Just Me

 

What would happen if I did open my heart again? Would it be shattered into so many broken pieces that glue would never find the correct edges to fix again? Or would I find the one who would hold the keys for the rest of my life? Terror of the thought due to choices past takes a hold of any thoughts creating any hopes of true happiness with another. The vision looks amazing in my mind, it’s the heart the stops the flow from forming.

Due to chances pass, I may have stepped out of my bounds and set fire to maybe the one chance I had which collapses those shots that come into my mind with the sheer torment of that face. How the shining of the lights kept the charm on. How the words flowed so freely as if years were moving very fast, minutes turned into the quickest glimpse of hope popped away. How are the forms of our worlds supposed to mesh together? It was a major block in my stopping motion.

I want a world where the life of happiness is such a sweet situation that will hold my life in folds of sweet blessings. But I fear so many changes that this major shift holds strong to my changes of refuge. Could it be I am allowing my fears to overkill the life I think I want? Or could it be it really was the wrong timing and person? For the secondary I guess only time will tell. So until then, I will try hard to wait patiently and be the happiest I am as just me.

RES

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Theme Of My Amazing Life

I hear the words of the songs and my heart tears a bit. It is either a memory of times gone by or future dreams of times yet to come. Only a few will hold the presence of the now. That needs to be the sounds taking a hold of my ear. I need those sounds to guide me to the music of life filling the air with inspirations of happiness and love like none have ever felt. A pureness wanting to share with anyone who will listen. Oh, the wind blows and the notes flow across their hearts the way it touches mine.

I have crossed major floods and cleared mountain tops to find that sweet harmony that has brought me right here. Leaving me in a gentleness breeze with constant flowing wonders of which path to venture onto next. Yet it is funny how life will still throw an off tune effect here and there. Sometimes I do drop a tear for the life I had traveled on. The sites I had to endure tied into the joys of occasions that light up my world. Lifetime experiences which line the walls of my heart with rays of songs for each face the memory holds. A strand of blessings connecting the strings to the guitars of my universe. I do hear the drums that beat hard sending sorrow into motion like a hurricane of thoughts but I am soon hearing the sounds of the lights for the times I was blessed with.

In my world and life of music, I find how lost I can get in my own mind. It becomes a walk of different times of my life. I do realize how different this little bit of me is taking in different steps, but I write as I go and in the moment. I see and feel so much through the sound of songs and words to where my heart has learned to take it in and purge it out all at once. It has become a healing vise for me. A way to work through myself. A tool to stay on course, steading and forward because as times in the not so distant past I have failed. I wandered out of my own lines. I took the lead vocals and killed the sound in my own spirit. I broke.

And just like that, the sound was gone. Sending me back onto the path I was supposed to follow. The chorus came on and I heard the familiar sounds I had tucked away for moments where I slip on that slope of destruction, ropes pull tight and the harmonies begin to flow just right once again. The notes of happiness have appeared into my soul as if never left bringing nothing but joys of blessings. There is that smile, that hope, that faith I had long forgotten about. The forgiveness is much deeper when the meaning is found in a note being carried away in the sounds of memories of healing the scars.

Each day and new sound brings me to another level in life. One that is freeing inside and allowing all the inspirational tunes into a view I had never seen quite that way before. Every now and then a whistle will hit the right Soundwave and bring a tear to my eye but the daggers don’t cut as deep as they did before. In fact, they sometimes bring the noise of a giggle deep down making my soul smile so bright. New sounds are beginning to reach those levels and build mini rays of light, a feeling I have a long time relationship with and time to dance under the stars to the theme of my amazing life.

RES

My Worth Is Valuable

Loneliness takes over sometimes and handcuffs my heart to look into areas I do not belong in. I fight with all I have inside because I look back at what I found the past few times I ran with the feelings which were all superficial. Each feeling was of all human wants, not really where I was supposed to be. Ripping parts of my soul as each failed moment would pass by. The bleeding lasted for roughly two and a half years. The damage I thought was my life until my last breath. Thank God, I was wrong on so many levels. I just had to hit the very bottom of the cesspool.

I never really took authority very well. Controlling me was only to a particular point, after that I blocked you. It took me seeing the true colors coming to light when all I could do was look up to realize my worth still has amazing value and I am not settling. Taking back my life was very hard considering I had hidden from my own horrors for close to 46 years. A long time of running to stop dead in their tracks. I have seen the light reaching down for me and to see it was my own hand with Gods smile behind it, was the vision I needed to pull out.

So many times in life I looked for someone to fall into, making all my shattered pieces fade into the dark places and I thought they were gone. It took many to say what they were seeing in me to wake me up to a small position until one particular person revealed sights she had always seen in me for over 35 years. Tears fell so much that night but the clearing of all my storms cleared away. I have seen where I had been, where I was at that moment, and where I wanted to be. Mostly, I felt what God wanted me to feel and His visions come into view as He sees fit to show me.

It is still a very hard step being solo in life for the moment due to all those years of habits and comforts. Being uncomfortable and having patience is the most challenging habits I am having to learn to get used to. Yet with each new day, whatever it may bring, I see a step forward. It is still really hard and a struggle on some days where I slip backward but I have to learn baby steps. I am learning self-love is not vanity, it is knowing God’s value and seeing each fold as He sees me. I am learning to have faith in each moment that crosses my path. The light is now starting to outweigh the darkness and happiness are starting to overtake sorrow.

Minimize the negative and maximize the positive. God has never left me during every event of my life and He knows each one of my fears. I don’t know why it has taken me this long but now that I am seeing what real joy is all about, I am giving the wheel to God because I am blind to what He sees. Learn to love yourself for who He wants you to be and you will see the sweetness His joy brings into your own life.

RES

 

 

Right Here Is Where I Am

There comes a point in everyone’s life when everything comes to the front of your life. Causing all things from the past and present to make you see all your fears within one tiny view. The little torments you thought you left behind have now shown up front and center. Surrounded by the helpers of horrors present. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing can stand in their way. Marching forward, all walls blocking their every move crumbles like sands in time which has completely stopped until you realize your “only me” moment has now arrived. 

I have hit that perpetual wall full force with every disgusting artifact I walked away from, is unpacking each terrifying moment piece by horrible piece. I never thought I would have to face myself. I had locked that door many years ago. Long before the words, mommy entered my heart. Each memorable photo was wiped clean, or so I believed. I always found someone to shade me from the arms trying to creep their way into range. Sadly, my final hiding place now watches over me for going on 4 years now.

I tried to run away searching for the easy train to take me far away from the hell I was about to step into. My hell. This running ended with a major hit of torment of a new form taking control of me. I found no shadow to fall into. I had found the black hole. The effects corrupted by this movement almost gave my destiny an abrupt end. Except my past had other plans. I had found myself once again on that magical ride to lose myself in someone else’s world. 

My assignment was not complete and here was a new start in a better form. I can hide away to never see myself again. The magic began and disappeared in about the fasted amounts of speed light could ever endure. Grasping at straws I allowed myself to fall into others and this one very well. This one was different and I could not get my walls to come down but I was going to try. I had to get away. That time ended. I look into the eyes of myself on a much deeper level to where now I am in quicksand and darkness has begun to take over. No self-esteem left and I have hit fight or flight mode. Fight it is.

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I hurt because I now see it is me I have always been battling for so many years. The pain of hurting the one who had my heart from the first sound of hello. The stabbing of my gut telling me what my mind was blocking my darkness from truly seeing which my heart ultimately won. To the nausea of finding me so much more into the negative world to which my life was heading into and I do not know how to stop it. To where I finally sit today knowing I have to face myself. 

I have allowed every single relationship in my life to override me deep down. But each and every relationship has brought the true “me” to look at me eye to eye and know I am her. As I sit alone taking in the silence I so desperately needed but never wanted, I hear the sounds of so many birds talking and singing and just loving every type of weather outside. I find myself gazing upon the wind blowing through each tree leave as to wave at me. Letting me know I am seeing every part. Each new sight pops another glowing bubble of emotion waiting to be set free. Each photo of memories past is starting to take form in lessons meant to be taught. I fill with tears once again.

Tears for the very first disappointments I took on as an infant shamed by someone who helps create my life, knowing I have to forgive this tormented soul to settle my own. Tears of heartache I would never wish upon someone I humanly believe deserves to feel this gut pulling bitterness of losing your spirit with every shovel of dirt dropped on life as you had known for so damn long. Tears of hurting so deep knowing the only person who can make me happy is who I have run from for so long my life actually is in jeopardy as my ultimate consequence. Tears for seeing every damaged part lost in the caves of all the steps I climbed into and yet knowing through every aspect of my world has flipped on it back leaving me right back where I belong. 

Right here is where I am. Holding hands with my inner self because I can not truly love completely without first loving me for exactly who I am. As I begin this step I have removed my names of who I always and forever will be: daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, wife, mom, aunt, in-law, grandmother, widow. I am now in these moments of remembrance and going to restart the me “Rochelle”. Learning to be who I was and am created to be while taking marks off my soul of darkness and turning them point by point into light. 

As I begin unfolding the me of my life, please know that every angle will be taking a turn as I scrape away the pain with guidance only Jesus can provide. The view from the inside will be very difficult to just try to swim through so I will tiptoe foot by foot making sure all processes are washed over with the glow of happiness. I will ultimately wear the crown of inner happiness where the new scene only shines rays of pure, glorious joy. I know then and only then will the hurts of me will heal within the souls of others.

RES

You Are Now My Angel Eyes

And just like that, you were gone. Words spoken of nothing but hate linger in my mind every day. Stabbing my brain like a jagged edge ripping into every burning thought. I try so hard to forgive myself every second the vial begins to rise but most moments I fail. It is the not knowing if you really knew how much I loved you. How much I will always love you.

Nights like this one, my heart shreds as if it was just as raw as that morning began. Listening to sounds that creep inside my soul to save me from my own drowning noises. At moment, they tend to drag me through the deepest of mud to the shallow sharp findings of rocks. My body sends me the signals when I need to just let go and repair. Eyes swollen of each memory both good and bad, trace my face like puddles of ponds keeping score, 10 steps forward, a million falls back. And here is where I sit for hours, fighting inside to eliminate all the hurt I know I caused. Skipping back over those with the scenes of complete joy in each other. Here follow all those dreams

Dreams of a new chapter within our lives. The chapters that continue to grow even when you are not here. The me then, is no longer here either. I allow the light to shine down on me but it is never a permanent fixture. The depths of this pain seeps through with a vengeance. Then I fall right back to the morning my new life began. Right to the moment, those words fell out without holding on. The moment the air in my lungs never returned again. A time when I never saw me again. I left with you. Every dream we cherished flew away with the life we had. That Moment.jpg

I see them sometimes. They come as little glimmers when I look into our grandchildren’s eyes. There are the moments of hope which begins to ignite inside of me. Surrounded by our children and watching their lives turn into beautiful works of art, flying high and growing strong. Each of them gives me the gift of you. A light in the seconds of deep drownings I tend to trip into. They hold me together more than I ever tell them.  Even not within the space, I swallow into, I look at snapshots and there is your eyes, or smile, or grin.  Oh, that grin. It always melted my heart and it still does with the burning memory of the first words you spoke to me.

And there it is again, the hurt, the pain, the tears hanging on to those vile hateful words piercing my spirit. So, as usual, I give in to the tears and lost dreams turned into amazing memories and turn to all the sounds we heard together. Guides me to all your favorites which trigger an event that gets the mind flowing again. Refusing to stop in the moment of despair, I hear the words “Love is all around you”. I believe it because with the next voice I remember our last dance together all because “You never let me go”.

This new way of life I have been given to live is so hard only because most of my life died with you. I only have my mind to carry each second with me. I try hard to not let those hateful things sneak into my thoughts to run over me, but some days I need the release of the pain. I need to remember to follow those tears to the rivers of memories we did create. The dreams may never hold your footsteps but watching you come alive with the actions of our family, little rays of those dreams attach to my heart and I think of you. Even as I sit here, dripping in a world of a moment’s grief, YOU are now my angel eyes!

Dedicated to my late husband: You are always on my mind, the only one for me, your all I need, I’ll never let you go! I love and miss you so much Brian.—-RES

It Was You

You were my weakness, my teenager jumping to surface to feel the air on her face. You were my freedom of walking away from the hurt. You were my savior for a never ending rebirth. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I saw you, It was you.

You feed the need deep down inside, my darkness fights to hide. You kept my waves completely savaged,, twisting each grain of mixed emotion. You were the answer to all the desires I had dreamed of, to escape this thing called destiny. You were the moment I should have never turned.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I heard you. It was you.

You kept me holding on along the tides of ropes dragging my heart in shreds. You helped me disconnect to what was screaming without a sound. You were all the wonders of so many years that needed out. You were my reasons to give up and check out. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I smelled you. It was you.

You took the me who needing saving, piercing each bloodline severing all to see what was true. You kept a hold of the me who understood, when to look and when to run or when to stay, paralyzed I felt the need to see it through. You were the captures of moments left to make my own mistakes.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I felt you. It was you.

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You helped me connect to parts I tucked away. You were the key to a life I had erased. You were the gather of all the laughs my heart locked away. You were the me I needed before I walked away.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I truly seen you, It was you.

Now, I find the answers to all the questions unexplained. I can hold each tear I cry and feel your name. All my lessons still sting with many new memories I can never change. You were the reason for my escape of damages I could never restate. You added to my heart’s new cage. You were the me from many worlds ago but gave up on faith. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I lost you. It was you.

This me will always see the hidden you behind the face. Me will always thinks of your embrace. Me to understand what you left unsaid. Me taking in the you I was meant to take. Me a better part of the you shining bright.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I loved you. It was you.

RES

Widows Walk Alone

I entered this step surrounded by those who tried to understand this world I had just begun to drown in. The world I never wanted to see. A newness of wonders I never planned on happening. I was hit with the frozen moments of despair. A new life as a widow. Completely learning this title from the ground up.

Words flowed out like the water of apologies to acts of uncomfortable tries of sympathy trying to crack thru the out shell I instantly put on full lockdown. Nothing was going to penetrate the vial I was holding onto. The feeling of complete autopilot covering my motions, while the dam is holding back emotions of tidal waves creating the biggest tsunami I had ever felt deep down, darkness took hold. The me I used to know just died along with him. I just left her with him forever.

This was a walk I can play over and over in my mind even 3 and a half years out. Waves of memories still paralyzed my heart, while the forgotten seconds leave my head in a fog. I reached for every place I could hide into. Not letting my surroundings become stale as to force any sign of movement of healing so far out of my way. I thought finding others like me would help. It did, to a point. 

After hearing the all too many cliche’ phrases to kill my spirit which will always last me a lifetime, I found the perfect place to mend my broken spirit where others go who know your name. They get it, they totally understand. Every feeling I wanted to scream, someone else seen it, sprayed it and totally mastered it. The meltdowns felt familiar, the dreams stayed the same. We all could release emotions others seem to think were unacceptable in their safe world. We lent our versions of how to heal from our steps of traveling in this path. 

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I would feel as if no one understood but someone would spill out there’s and yes it did help. But for me, I needed more. I needed someone who walked exactly in my shoes to dig out from the mud pit I began to take up roots in. I wanted it all to heal in my time, in my way. Not hearing suggestions because how could you understand, you see let me not share what I am afraid of, what I am hurting about, what failures I will walk with day by day. But please, tell me how to push it so far down, I stumble into my own self. And suddenly, that wall scarred me with the hottest iron that had ever pierced my soul.

I had made choices others seen as mistakes but they were mine. I had become half a person and trying to find my other half because of most of my living, breathing life, I was always half of 2. That 2 became one. Here I stood “Half”. Searching for a new way to move into the world I could not complete alone, but I can.

I was the widow who had to learn it alone. Yes, the guidance of those who truly understood helped when I chose to listen to the steps they took. I still had to make my own steps sometimes sinkholes to see the lesson my mistake made. The struggles had their moments of telling me who was in control. My need to drive every motive down its own path of destruction smacking in the face of a still growing family with others who lost a part of themselves too. You see that day, not only did I become a widow, I also became the only parent. Big pants to take on all broken and soaking in darkness. 

It has taken some strides and I am sure I will never fully recover because that one strong saying is so not true. Time does NOT heal ALL wounds. This is one I am sure every widow will agree. The scab does crust over, but it never truly heals. Many new occasions, life events, growing pains, and successes will all come and go. With each one that scab will fall off. Opening up the harshness of the reality, you are still the half alone. It does not become the mighty storm of your lifetime but It still forms tornados here and there. Even with every day bringing in a very brand spanking new moment in time, things will grow and new relationships will happen but I will always be the widow who had to do it alone. 

RES

The Weakness I Always Hold Inside

Quite a bit circles my mind. I think on ways judgment is called out from us. Yes, all of us. Not only to ourselves but all too often upon others. Blinded by the subject is really a sadness build off that weakness is a part of our ultimate demise. It is our own fears coming into the light of the world but attached to an unknown individual the other emotions inside of us have not grasped onto yet. Leaving the fear all alone. The only option is to throw it on the leech sucking wound of their weakness, to make your own mind justified. Sadly, this repeated circle in our world has become a way of life.

This has created so many evils and darkness floating around. Some had the blessing for grasping the positive emotion very early in life. Making those others feel an early taste of the weakness that will hurt the most. Appearances seem to show strength where those masks which hide such deep hurts from the first open wound. Terms begin to form “you never know what they are going through”. Making each word on the scene. Ready to speak it out but refuse to hear it in. What once was born pure as an emotion could be, learned the differences between you and me. 

Every day each new step stumbles upon another fold of faked smiles and false hopes. Questions arise with each process. Why does this have to be? When will I learn to let go? It takes more than one mind to tie the rope upon the docks. Because within the moment your footing seems so strong, the storms of life come in. Washing away the anchors of life where no holds are attached. Yet once in a lifetime, you meet your other half. 

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Weakness retakes its place front and center. Is this the line we had to enter? Taking a step back and looking around. There is the other piece I forgot I had found. Here, hide with me. Together we can determine all of our destiny. Show them exactly where they are supposed to go, it will help us feel higher when we have nowhere to go. How long with this insane enlighten feeling remain? I know the sharp heavy weighed down feeling will meet me again. 

It is a vicious cycle we will witness and join every day. Some will see it and try to correct. Most will clearly use it as its forever host. I am not sure when or where or how this will ever change. I personally have tried every day. Really have I truly, though? I know I am not the only one I know who has had a momentary lapse of reason. Yet I seem to have longer dips in the depths of each tornado of my own mind. Paralyzing the very essence controlling my spirit. I have to remember to look for the ray of light, moment by moment. 

Because of my weakness latching onto others that hooked me so young, my shield of healing has not been allowed in my sight. I hold back the positives to keep me up each day. But I allow just enough to keep my breathing going every single day. Those are my happy spots I look into to crash the tides I hide. I am happy to say I tried it once, that scene or those words will never go away. I may see the edge but I refuse to jump. It is very steep and sharp and begging to be touched. My heart hurts for those who fell into its clutch. The ones who never allowed the positive of a word from a loved one’s touch. 

When the moment comes to never want anyone to feel the hurt, pain, struggles. The gains your mind body and soul have learned becomes a brand new you. Then maybe the words of judgment may shorten every day. At least to those who used to be the ones only in aim. The mirror reflects it back, forcing you to see the pits you can not escape. You realize the damage you created. Then fester in the filth of the world your mind has created. Some can never find that stable ground. Sadly those are the ones who never wanted to be found. Only those who understand and master their major weakness can see. We are normally to close to read the words they give us day to day. I live in this emotions day after day. 

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If you happen to be one of my unlucky emotional twins, I apologize for the voices that set within. These moments will teach us our sight is never blind. We have to hold on to the tiny flashes of hope. Those are the anchors holding onto the ropes of our hearts where our joys and happiness keep us afloat. Stop letting our weaknesses to refocus our facts. Maybe if I can show others the change I need inside, those judgment calls will turn into fires of uplifting notes of happiness. What a view that could be. Maybe if we each take one step a day to learn a more positive way, we could make that mental light for others to grow. I want the voices I hear since those who gave into the pits, to be used to help others reaching out for a hand to pull them in. 

It is really hurting deep inside of me. Suicide from anything bully or not is an extremely damaging repair for those who understand but hard for the ones who has always held their hand. Seeing it from both sides, I need for the lights I hold so far inside to guide me to a happiness for me. The only one I can truly change and follow from deep inside. I want my little rays of light to hold its true meaning of hope for others to see I am only as weak as I feel. 

RES

 

 

Serenity, Peace From Within

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Seems life likes to take twists and turns all without warning. Leaving a wake of hurt and torment in its path of destruction. But on the other side is the pure bliss of serenity. Reaching down deep enough, nothing short of pure utter joy can be connected. 

I know each experience I have crawled through has pushed every fiber of my being to almost extinction. Thinking I was all alone. Not one soul could understand the pits of hell laying beneath the fake smile, I had never adorned before. Showing emotions I would never show just any family member, let alone a stranger. Yet there I was drowning in the sess pool of wretched horror, watching what I thought was my life; Severed! I could not hear the words forming to my hearing because my mind stopped at that very moment I saw the doctor coming towards me. Thoughts of peace flew away as I fell deep inside myself. 

Suffering in silence is exactly what I began. I would not allow others to see how weak I had become. I tried so hard to run away from the pain and discomfort. I had never wanted to be surrounded by other humans as much as I needed it right then. The quiet was stabbing realizing this is where you are. Nothing can turn back the clocks, change the outcome, nor give the aggressive language back. In this spot is right where I belonged. 

Of course, I have learned to walk forward. Jumping other major hurdles. Landing on my butt more times than I care to admit. Long talks with my Saviour to try my hardest to understand most of the why’s. Even most of them have strings of wonder hanging from them. So I learned my way of maneuvering through this new found chapter. It’s a major rough draft, which I am positive will never fully be completed. I am ok with that, as for now. 

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Despite the pain so bad, I understood how the tin man felt. Except, I did not want my heart. It had taken time and walking through fires and hills, finally grasping serenity can only come from within. Time for its release. Surrender to the calmness climbing the walls of my heart and soul and push forward. A daily message I must listen to.

With time, patience and positive strides to allow the serenity to be exposed. Freeing my spirit to gather all the encouraging lights, filling my life with every step. I do stumble most of the time, but stronger as I rise up. Showing the advancement of change to keep up with the path coming to my feet. A light is shining so very bright as rays kiss through the dark corners. It is a sweet release I have begun to feel. 

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Time does not heal all wounds, sometimes it is learning to look at a different clock and readjust my mind to get past the mountain. I understand not one day will be the same as another. Potholes will form, but it does not mean I have to wallow in the puddle. I learned to jump, splash, smile and move forward. My journey may have been and continue to be full of hard times but my final episode turns out as planned. My serenity is embedded deep within. 

Above The Depths Of The Dark Crevasses Is The Light, Latch Onto It.

I noticed how much I have taken for granted. Seems all my life I wondered around thinking how unfortunate others had it, whilst I never suffered those problems. Mother of 6 and not having the emotions other mothers had already achieved. Until it all started to flow downhill, the speed of light could not keep up.

I had my first direct encounter with death in 08. Yes, I had known others some close but far enough away, I could block the major pain. Not this time, it was my papa. Watching him turn from such life, strong filled with happiness and joy every time I saw him. To a very fragile man needing to be cared for with every breath all the way until the end. That was very hard to watch and added a hard knot in my gut which never went away. 

Life took over, a few more passing then bam a major hit took place. My father in law. I knew this day would take a hold of my husband and never let go. Watching this man melt into a pool of tears not knowing where to turn with such pain, I had no idea what to do or say. This was very hard. But nothing had prepared me for the sucker punch coming. The moment I split into two and never returning back.

I had forever been changed because of my life as I knew it was done, chapter closed, no moving forward.  It was a moment in time I replay over and over again. A moment I never imagined would happen, my husband was gone. Looking into this life that never stopped even for a second, lifeless, complete, done and gone. An extreme measure of confusing melted with numbing pain crusted over with anger and hate added to being an explosion no matter who was in front of me. 

The vileness welled up inside of me spilling over when my volcano erupted. Not one person was spared. It took many moons to get to the acceptance stage and then onto trying to heal. Still spewing words of nastiness when the darkness would take over.  I tried to lock myself away from everyone, seeing those days I never thought it could happen to me or my family. I added those visions of shame on my head and allowed them to fester deep. Why did I think I was protected from life’s changes? What made me think I was that special?

It all set in to take up residence in my heart, I dove deep into the other direction trying to fix one person at a time. Talk about epic fail and back to square one. Except I am going to add an extra factor of another relationship in and fix it from the start. Wow, do I hear myself? Apparently not since here I am trying to fix me again. 

Like the Grand Canyon, we all have deep crevasses of emotions from life changes that we forget how minute they truly are compared to the vast mountains surrounding them. Those glimmers of hope that seem so giant, no one will ever reach them. But, yet they do. I was sinking into my own crevasses, I forgot I was almost to the top of the mountain. Those fog horns were not loud enough for me to see, but oh, how I see it all now.

from eric f 5

 

Looking around, I can see the happiness waiting for me to grasp it. Hold on as tight as I possibly can. Yes, I have finally caught up to those thoughts from long ago, I am not special or tucked away from what may come. I am, however, learning to see the grapes amongst the broken vines. I can see just because I may be down, I am so not out. Life changes daily, it is just the big explosions that jar us off course. Forcing our eyes open to what is of value.

As I sit here today, still very broken but I am so not done. I have so much to see, learn, and do, I am not ready to stop pushing forward. I want to be the one who helps those who seem to be stuck where I have been. I want to be able to point out my blessings as they come, instead of digging into the rut of the mess. Just as the crater formed the Grand Canyon, I will let the craters of my life transform me into a beautiful sight to see from every view.  I will begin with the deepest darkest point, my heart. 

Hear the music playing? Guess my mood?

Don’t you just love the sound of over the top loud music where you are bellowing out to your favorite song, ignoring anyone within the sound of you? Does it not fill your complete being of such comfort to release any minor to any major mood you are swimming in right at that divine moment? Does it give you the control to either stay put digging in deeper or go the opposite and relive all of it at once? I guarantee I am not on a solo here, way more musical moods out there.

Long, long ago as a very young girl, my love for music had already been sown deep down in my soul.  A passion so strong I just knew I was going to be a singing sensation of a lifetime. Then I woke up, shy girls stay quiet, well in front of crowds.  I tend to lock myself in my big size boxes of rooms or vehicles, killing every sound of noise beyond earshot with my mood of choice. And 9 times out of 10 I will be trying my best to over sing that amazing voice of Carrie Underwood. Then I get distracted with either a look of “mmmm could you possibly turn it down so I can breathe?” Or my favorite, those who choose to join in as I refer to my backup singers, knowing fully well they are competing for my spotlight. Not to leave out my favorites were the ones who stood in the background without my knowledge and just listen, melt my heart.

Of course, you can see a little snippet of history there but I have to add I was not always so free ranged in music or so I thought.  I did not realize how deeply rooted the musical choice I made due to where exactly my emotions lay within that very second. Teenage years, I was the loved all the 80’s junky until “Big Hair” took over, then add a boyfriend who is a country boy from Hank Jr.s “Rowdy friends”, who also chose to introduce me to the “Buttermilk Biscuits” world of rap. Yes, I was a bit confused but I felt that twist in my gut when all the different sounds began to tie into emotions. Boy did I start to broaden my horizons. See at that time, I did like my traveling with my aunt music. I mean who doesn’t like Alabama, “ROLL ON”.

Many ages later, some of those same familiar road maps have added a complete 3 generations of musical bliss in every vehicle. Adding to the long list of musical moods such as sounds of “Jack and Diane” with Mellencamp in his “Pink houses” to Gnash declaring the “I Love You, I Hate You” issues coming on board. Traveling necessities include a mandatory sidekick DJ. Unlike my younger days on the road with my aunt, I picked up and raised mine with my daddy’s ways of “it’s loud because I say so”, mentality. I am honored to say I have passed on the torch. 

Now I am in grandparent stage of life where “no, I do not want to build a flipping snowman”. I want to teach you to carry on the tradition of singing your full heart out. I want you to learn to show off your musical moods with pride. Funny how a 2-year-old can pick up on this notion. Little head starts to bob, foot shaking, and he’s off dancing as a little youngin can, and right then I am in grandma love land and we got ballads of Mariah Carey playing in the background. Ok, so I do play a little into their world of Disney’s magical music, I have to show them young a multitude of music genre.

Every life lesson, memory, and experience have a musical memory connected to my heart. It is my stress reliever, mood booster, deep down hardcore let out all the anger bellowing songs I can reach my center core. This sweet release has been my life partner since the first time my papa sang my favorite hymn to date “When sings my soul, my savior God to thee, How great thou art, How great thou art” to the sweet voice of Tim McGraw because truly “The highway don’t care” to Bruno Mars helping Mark Ronson getting everyone to watch the “Uptown Funk” and we are with DJ Snake when he questions”Turn down for what” because there is no such thing as too loud.

At this point of the chorus, I am sure you realize I am a musical mood inclined singer from way back. I do not plan on changing this factor of my soul. By now, those who do not understand, need to grab some tunes and sing because it’s a wave a life you do not want to miss. To all my fellow bellows out there, let’s continue to teach all the array of music genre from past, present, and future to all the generations to come. Because truly without every area of music, sounds would be just plain boring. Sing loud, sing proud and let the musical mood torch carry on.

RES

Your unspoken words tell me how bad I hurt you.

Words of vomit spilled over into your world when all you gave me was unconditional love. Always looking at me with soft and gentle favor. I took it in one second and crushed us. Funny how the taste of it makes me want to die.

I have always pushed away those who love me the most especially during moments of anger and disappointment. I am sure I blew up the mothership now. If only I could turn back time and reverse the damage I have caused you. I see how my sharpened words have destroyed your soul. Passing each other as if our home was a business and we are complete strangers. It is killing me because I do not know how to fix it. Hell, I have been shattered most of my life. Now I am seeing my actions slamming my heart into turmoil. 

Where do I begin? How do I show you I do love you completely and that I was so wrong? I hate seeing the loathing I have created in someone so caring and loving. Leaving nothing but darkness in your wake. I know it is my dissecting of your heart causing this huge hole where love used to be. I can tell when you look at me the pain setting deep in your soul and I am so terrified love will never be allowed to return. 

I understand the reasoning for my walls around my heart but I do not understand why I allow such hate to arise when love was all I was given. Fear of losing you has created a blockage even rushing water of a tsunami could not break. My past has overcome my future in horrendous ways which may bring my fears of forever alone to life. Creating such a discomforting atmosphere brings a twist to my gut and tears to my eyes because my actions proved I can only hate as strong as you can love. 

How can I love someone when I limit the love in myself to grow? How can I find the words to mend your broken heart and never damage it again? I am not sure I will ever find the words to prove it. I pray this will heal and I can show you how dynamic you are in my life. I want to show you how much you are valued and how much of an asset you are to my heart. Will the day come where forgiveness takes over, healing all the damage that has been done? 

At this moment, nothing looks like it will ever be fixed. So as I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes, heart in pieces and thoughts of never being in your loving arms again, I will hold on to the moments where everything was perfect between us. Hoping in the near future we will be us again. I want to be the changed woman who you are so happy to come home to. The woman you want to have on your arm in every location in life. If this is an impossible due to the damage I have caused, then I hope and pray you find the love of your life who never damages the look you share. Love is the true perfection your look gives at least until I stole it and stomped it into the ground unburied but totally humiliated. 

For all the damage I have caused, sorry is not big enough to gather and correct. Actions instead of words are what I need to perfect, hopefully showing you all the value you bring to my life. Until then, no matter the outcome, I will strive to complete within myself. Maybe, just maybe these actions will show you I can show you all the love you deserve and more. But for now, all I can say is, I am so very deeply and truly sorry for every hurtful, damaging, self-harming, undeserving spews of evil I allowed to flow into your heart. 

RES

It’s the deafening sound that hurts the most.

I have managed to completely destroy every person I come into contact with. It doesn’t matter what they do, I always screw it up. 

Being in a state of turmoil for years has had my brain bound by needles of pain. I build up walls to keep others out but it only lets my wounds fester. I soon show how much hate has erupted inside and it flows like burning hot lava to all those who love me. Creating a mess no one should have to clean up. 

I thought my walls were tightly closed but that does not matter. It spills out anyways. Nothing like stomping on the hand that feeds your heart. Giving the pain away to someone who has only enhanced your life but I want to make them bleed. I push so hard the other way when they run I try to fix it. This time maybe just the perpetual icing on the nastiest of vomit cakes ever.

For years I have known of this mess I am in, I have welcomed it with open arms and been stung every time. But I do not listen to the screaming sirens telling me to stop. I just burrow down and hold on for the ride of here is your piece of not me. I do so much damage, I kill any reflection of peace and love right in front of my face. I do not know how to jump off this carousel of hate.

I am not brand new to life of hurt and pain. A widow for over 3 years and losing a boyfriend to suicide has taught me unimaginable issues I grip too with all I have. The problem is I have let it all take over. I have managed to take any love my way and smack it down with fear and pain. Will this ever deepening pain stop controlling my every thought?

A man so different from my functions of life has loved me from day one. Of course, he makes me happy but do I show it, hell no. Instead, I look for any imperfections I do not like, also linked to past issues, and crush every idea of helping him see his worth without those needs. I mean seriously. He is living with the 7 dwarfs of psychotics of my unbreathable crutch. Somehow I expect his life to be different while I am flying high on a downward spiral. Demanding truth when all he sees is the wild contradiction I portray. 

How do I fix this nasty beast inside my mind and evict it for good? How do I fix the brokenness I have caused to someone whose heart is so awesome? Letting out such anger and hurt. Sitting in my own filth because I can not get past the negative growth in my own brain. Functioning day today on the what-ifs of my life instead of look in front of you and see the happiness waiting with open arms. Maybe this smack in the face is a wake-up call that being alone is all I will ever get. 

I sit here not knowing what to say or do to prove he is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. He has loved me in my darkest moments of tearing him down along with my self-loathing hate. I am frightened by the sound of my own thoughts and I expect him to suck them up without question. Showing him all my hate instead of how happy he really makes me. Proving my words are only just air. 

I do not know where it will go from here but I know I may have just lost the one who loves me unconditionally. If that is the case so be it. I brought it on myself. For the moment, I pray God will break me down so low, the only thing I would be able to see is the light He has given me. Maybe I can show the man I do love with all my heart and soul, the woman he deserves to be with. If not, I hope and pray he does find someone worth his love because no matter what I have said or done to damage it, his love is the real deal. 

RES

Chelle’s words

I have a very creative mind. Sharing was never my strong suite for this introverted person. I had lost my love of writing when life happened. Just over two years ago. The words began to crawl out of my head to an almost ant-like composer of speed. I love the use of play on words. The imagination flowing into every orifice of your mind. Leaving no thought left behind. I have developed a blog using all of my experiences to guide my words. They are very deep in emotional connects to me. So sometimes they appear in poems.  

I have become stronger in my writing since my first post. I will continue to grow in my post with every word. I like a challenge in the work field. I work very well under a deadline. I welcome constructive criticism as well as shown a better way. If it helps me grow in my writers walk. Then please help me run.

Rocshell71.wordpress.com

Chelle71poems.wordpress.com

If you need writings of any kind, I am on the job.  Email me with subject “WORK NEEDED”.

rocshell71@gmail.com

 

Through The Storm While Fractured, I Will Rise

I hear the sound of people trying so hard to lead a perfect formation in within their human life. Battered, broken and bruised we tend to seek the fixation of happiness which tends to seep out a very little at a time. Before you know it, the ugliness of depression starts to settle in as an unwelcomed guest.  For most, it becomes a battle trying to find the good to be the good all the while knowing this simple satisfaction will never be.

See, we tend to conjure up this hope of being godly perfect within the world of lost and confusion. Growing up this meant a firm religion was the necessary means to seek out goodness.  Here’s a major crack in that thought process, it does not exist. Contrary to what storytellers of the religious background, have told you. The Holy Creator, God knows we will never be perfect.

Here is another flaw we seem to continue to tell ourselves, we have to clean up our act. Walk a straight fine line, do not fall, ever. This is our only chance to prove to our Heavenly Fathers acceptance. Come on, the only way He will love me is if I am walking perfectly. What a scary thought. I mean seriously. Parents, how many of you take notches out of the love emotion towards your children for every single wrongdoing they do? Think about this weird idea. It is not possible.

So why do you insistent on the whole, I must walk the fine line because this is the only way God knows I am for Him. Formal, organized religion. Makes this Christian cringe inside. Look at the facts, they are written in the same book, these political religion chiefs’ create all these confusing emotions. Which in turn creates all the patching marks of our hearts because we open it up, oops the wrong move. Band-aid it, float up again. It is the never ending circle of damage this part, it’s untouched and another band-aid appears again.

Think back in time, Sunday school for some when you heard all about Jesus. All the different experiences He was walking through. Now, count how many of these humans Jesus gathered into a building to go over reasons why this guideline for this branch of Christians is to follow? Give up…. ZERO.

I’ll give you another brick to throw through all seeing window of must be perfect walking in order for God to want me. Jesus did not go to the so-called perfect walking humans. He went (notice the word) to societies standards lowest of the lows. He did not send a word out to the prostitute to stop her acts of sin and then come to ME. He went and protected her, are you ready for this, the prostitute being stoned, Jesus put up His hands and spoke to the judgemental sinners to stop covering up the stone throwers sins by stoning her. It does not work this way.

Just for clarification, Jesus went to the sin-filled prostitute who was being judged by other sinners and protected her from harm. I am not sure how I can make this any clearer but I am going to try.

I believe we need fellowship to continue to grow the love bond which connects us to our Holy Father. Giving us a stronger hold to bring our unbelieving, falling from faith searching, brothers and sisters back into the area we were created for. I am the church, my word Christian means I have a one on one relationship with Jesus. This also means my gifts from God are different than yours, same goes on and on. So I will have to go out using the tools provided by my Holy Father.

Maybe if others out there like myself will start to have that inner glow feeling of complete and exquisite calming peace which will open your spirit to all the wonders God is showing you. Then, at least for me, and only then will you get your purpose and the worry (a sin) of being “good” for God will be a vanishing thought soon forgotten.

RES

I Knew I Would Find You!!

Starting out in school, typing was actually a very fun class for me. Learning how to use a typewriter for different looks or margin lines, lists that could go on and on. Once having mastered that task, it was onto the next phase of typing, welcome to the world of computers. Yes, it was a welcome because at this time you had to use DOS, not the internet. Yet I started stepping up the brick pavement to aim me towards the here and now. 

A turning point where thoughts along with fingertips and keyboards collide. Just when you think you have the new, updated edition of whatever social site has, they go and change it again. For instance, Skype. I have a really good use with this particular connection to the cyber world of seeing you face to face, while an ocean flows between us. Had not used this for about two years now, to my surprise, having to find someone for a job offer put my brain in full motion.  Gave me a redeeming ah-ha moment. 

You see, here is the thought, once you think you know it all. Start to finish, beginning to the end that it, complete, finito. Guess what, WRONG. I was separated from my mind for a long period of time. Just over two years ago, I started to explore and allow words to flow out and it has not stopped. So not wanting to write every word, every moment I wanted to write. My fingers hit the keys. I have been on fire ever since. With my toes now beginning to submerge into a full on the writing career, my brain is soaking in every depth defying moment of learning.  I can feel the curves and twist forming in my head. Such a rush. Such an amazing feeling of unique accomplishments. 

The career market is only just under a two-month mark for me, but I have learned so much doing research articles or reviews for different schools to reviews for different companies or software. I feel so emotional when I write because this has been a passion I divorced before my 20s. Now that I have remarried this love, so rich and fulfilling, I am going to enjoy every single mind changing moment and I will have every word within my grasp to showcase each milestone. Such an exquisite portfolio I must say, but after all, I am partial. 

This Too Shall Pass

My whole life, I have always been the person who had very few friends and of those even fewer close. So to even consider a person to be in the tiny close circle in my mind means you know almost every little detail of my life. You have seen each mood of me, depths of almost to the bottom. A site I kept out of view for most that surround me including family members.

These few have surpassed a level many of my friends have never been able to cross into no matter the years of knowing them. I am not as open as many may believe I am. Sadly making the mistake that a friendship would last forever seemed to be evident for one particular person for me. I have known them for over 2 decades and losing a friendship that close and strong shatters my core. I always believed this one would always be but I was proven wrong.

Problem is I allowed myself to be hurt in this situation because I opened way too much and even though a friend is supposed to open up. Come on now, who really believes that. We all only have a few if that, with whom we are really “best” friends with knowing no matter what, thick and thin. Friends for life. But I guess every now and then, a huge hand will slap your face and leave an imprint of the face of that one who you never thought would be that person. I am not that “open” friend to everyone. Despite what anyone thinks.

My family even thinks they have ideas of how much of me they know. Sadly, so many out there have a big misunderstanding of my world but I like it that way. Point being here is if I have told you at one point or time how close you are to me, please understand that statement comes with a very high expectation of your character in my eyes. I carry a sense of pride inside of those with whom knows things about me others only run their mouths creating lies to spread. Of course, I let them. I could care less. It is those I truly care for and let in my world who steps out.

Please do not get me wrong. I totally understand the reasoning to a degree but I also know it will never happen again. I forgive, I will remember all the hours of talks, laughter, tears, smiles, memories we shared but I will always stay clear from this moment on. Friend is a word many uses so freely, I will still choose not to. I will still carry a very strong meaning for each one I have. For me, this too shall pass.

RES

New Season Is Coming

Heres just a piece of what I try to explain so that maybe others will understand what I mean when I say I want to find someone to hang with. Of course at this stage of the game finding “the one” would be sweet but I have faced it. I am not ready for that at all. But I do miss the person sitting across the room with me. Nothing but talking and laughing. Being able to share a moment of the things which is our common interest.

This point in time was not a vision I had put upon my plate. The friends or my extended family I have surrounding me are all a part of my life before my shoe size changed. I have always been a very private person as far as making friends outside of the family. Those I do have are formed on very strong grounds and lots of history. The ones I will call newer are within the last 10 years of my life. I do have a very hard time making them because I like being alone, well to a point.

This is where my husband came in. He brought all my new friends home and finally they were the ones I bonded with. I love each of them so much and cherish every memory created and to come but as I am with all of them, they are with that hang out buddy. Same with my grown children. All have stepped into adulthood in one form or another which makes my heart light up with such joy but it does leave me missing my old days. Usually, those thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I do not make friends easy no matter where I go.

I will admit the new way of meeting others is very convenient but it is also scary as hell. I like to watch others as they are in my view. The way they told to each other, can they hold eye contact. The facial expressions. You really can not do that based on a picture off of a site. I mean come on. It is also very draining because no matter what you are looking for on any site, any gender, or age group, explaining “friends” to what you think are grown individuals who seem to have a completely different view. Exhausting.

I have met a couple of great people and yes, I admit a few who flew out of the coo coo’s nest. The real deal here is I see it. I learned from it and I know exactly where I am right now. So while I talk about things I want to do and how I would love to have that single friend out there I can call up and say “let’s go” with or happens to come over and hang a few days. Because that is the companionship I miss the most. The laughter, the funny language, the crazy stories. All of that type of a connection. I am ready to have many laughing experiences out at a live band, watching a game on tv, movies, going to a party or just simply making each others day with a short text. That is what this single white female is lacking.

So please understand as you are looking across the room at that one who can look right at you no matter where you are, what your status to each other are or even the mode you are in. If you have that one, I don’t have it. I am missing that link. First time in my life, I am seeing the opening for that spot which has been filled for my whole life with someone. Their season has passed and a new season is coming.

 

RES

Patience…,

Ever had that feeling in the pit of your stomach that if you had to wait for what you wanted one more second you would explode. You applied for that job and got the interview. Of course, it is at the 4:45 pm slot on Friday afternoon and this is the job of a lifetime. Walking away confident and a firm handshake as you realize there is at the very least two and a half days until you know if the job is yours. Put in a bid on your very first home and you know it is right up on the hour of rejection and you have bitten the last nail off. Or she was so amazing, I can’t believe she said yes, our date is three days away but I want to see her now.Patience, really?

It is a moment in time where you see your future and you can almost touch it but yet it is so out of reach. For me, patience is equivalent to driving in a blizzard. The destination is still too far away even though you know the outcome is very near. Has never been my forte. Especially if it is something I want to know immediately. It is almost like walking through the gray to see if it is black or white. Very hard key to grasping while your whole life seemed to run on that fuel in every aspect of my journey.

 

So how is this achieved is my next step. I guess looking through it all, I was told once I would never get anywhere with my writings. Well, I had seen black, for a moment. A few days later I turned away and jumped back into it. Patience here is now waiting for the biggest step of my career my words have taken me. A career that is not just a job. This is a new road to not just my writings and words but healing as well as waiting sometimes impatiently for the right moment meant for me. I am realizing it is the fear of moments past trying to push for the immediate effect and I want the patience to make sure it is for life.

RES

Story Of Overcoming Obstacles

It has taken a little while in my walk of life and experiences to see things clearly. Today, a brother in widowhood had asked how others spouses passed and age. Mind you, most of us get relief from grief to a point when we talk about our spouses. As I, myself was sharing a very minute piece of my journey on this walk, I shared how my husband passed. It hit me right in the gut.

Struck by a car. Wow. Wanting to puke was an understatement of the year. The man I had known most of my life, who never stopped a day in his, stopped. Suddenly and instantly. How did I never see this before? I know I thought it when I said my goodbyes but never hit me like this.

Mind you, I am in no way sad about this because I now realize there was no other way God would have it and That man forever in my heart, will never stop moving to me. I will always smile seeing the memories of him always being active from the time his eyes opened to the time he tried to fight the sleep off. He even moved and talked in his sleep, so you understand when I say never stopped moving.

Here is my point, the pain of losing my other half, my best friend nearly killed me inside to the point living was a chore. But I feel as if I have come full circle to remember him the way I always loved him. I do not see the flaws, I see his rays of light. I see the man I fell in love with and this reality check just confirmed it in my soul.

When you have a peace inside of the fact your spouse will live forever in your heart, walking around hurting for them is always there. Sometimes the band-aids get ripped off quicker and the pain does not last as long as it used to. In fact, sometimes it shows a new view of the facts. Nonetheless, I still felt his arms hugging me as that thought of his instant stopping point in this life had made its way through my complete being. His smile entered my mind and all my sadness was replaced with warmth and joys. My proof that happiness does truly come from within. After all, this fellow widower stated “it is a story of overcoming obstacles”, you know what, he is right.

RES

Please Not Too Late

Have you ever had one of those I completely messed up on this move moment? I have and I am realizing this close to the two-year mark. I look back and wonder what was I thinking. I had what I wanted in my hands and I pushed it away for one of the biggest lessons in life. What I did not want. So now what? What does one do to see if that mess up is going to be a life long lesson because I was too late or will I get an opportunity to search this soul for the deeper meaning than the depths I already swim in? Please don’t let the answer be that I am too late.

Here is a connection which was real. I only know this because if it was not why would we still be in contact with each other? Maybe I am looking at it through the wrong eyes, or maybe my subconscious was saving his image of me from the self-destruction I put myself through in the span of time between times of our visual contact. I was in a very dark place in my life. And depression sucked me in as if I were a sour drop. Except this was fast and furious off the charts. The damage had occurred when things could not be turned around and I only have myself to blame.

I had so much inside, I didn’t know what to do but find a victim to hide behind. I can only be happy his soul was not scratched by this. Sharing bits of my pain was about all I was going to show. He didn’t deserve more pain than he was already enduring, besides he had dependents that needed a strong father. But now. Oh, now I am in such a better place in life. I have begun living months ago. Happiness has resurfaced and I feel the peace within. It’s walking alone and wondering if those feeling I get when I see his name on my phone are actually what I think they are.

How do I go forward when I could have had this all along? How do I show I can be on my own with no dependency for my happiness sake. Tell me when does this part begin. Here is where learning patience takes a toll on me. I have never been one for patience and it has become even thinner as I have gotten older. When I get something deep down I want the suddenness to be instant but love knows no limits and I have to hold fast. The step of being happy alone will only strengthen a tie that started that night I saw him walk towards me. Will I be ok if it is nothing more than a friend, absolutely but I have a strong feeling I am not wrong.

So here is where my faith comes into. A request I have never really gone to God for. A gentleman. I decided this is up to my Father. The only one who knows pure joy and happiness and has stuck by my side even when I left Him standing there with His arms wide open. I am learning His timing is not mine and I have to know that life has thrown many obstacles in my way but I’m right here making it. Here I will leave it at a request of please, not too late God.

RES 

 

Love Is Always Around Me

Sounds of the little voices having such sweet conversations. Their imaginations running wild with nothing but the dirt and water mixing together their potions. Stirring in the dirt from across the yard. Playing ever so sweetly. Helping each other get more and more dirt, as well as helping each other out of the turtle box containing the perfect potion mixture.

Watching my grandchildren run around the yard laughing and playing brings such a smile to my face. In a world where all you see is little ones with technology in their faces, these little ones are using sticks, wood planks, old tool boxes, stones, dirt, water and their imagination to play on their adventures.

You hear the squeak of the little voice who does not speak clearly yelling “you toming back? Sissy tome on.” Sounds of such sweet bliss. Hearing the voice of reason brings a giggle to my spirit. The cuteness of faces caring all the smudges of mud where their hands brushed away the air in her eyes or wiping his nose. I am watching full personalities building up with each word.

I think back to the time mine were that small. Playing outside was mandated with me. Where most had the nice yard, never looked like anyone walked on it, mine was played in. Yes, moments where it was clean up but what I remember was happy memories being made. Imaginations blossoming into minds with artistic compound gathering for later dates.

I am now into generation two of my world, I am blessed to be seeing it all over again in the little eyes that belong to those children. Amongst the life of my constant change, one thing does hold true. Love is always around me. Proof may have started many many years ago, but it grows daily. My yellow brick road seems to have always been paved with dirt. You know what, I am just fine with that.

RES