As I sit here crying my eyes out and trying hard to get my emotions in check with music, I am so torn between every emotion. Tucked away in my messy as hell office, I am battling sorrow, hurt, anger, grief, happiness in small pieces. How can I even push forward if everyone I love won’t see it? I was a child or preteen the first time I heard someone tell me “don’t ever talk about someone behind their back, its wrong”. Funny story, as soon as I turned to leave, I heard “did you hear about so and so”, REALLY. Well really was what I was thinking, but inside it was a life long lesson.
You see, I’ve learned never to say anything about anyone behind their back because somehow, some way, it is going to get back to them and with added words. Think about it. If they talk about them behind their back, what do you think they are doing behind yours. It’s a circle of hate. My biggest all-time pet peeve. Do we not all deserve to trust each other anymore? Are we so blind and selfish that we refuse to see it?
So much negativity in this world today, the blinders come on as we get up in the morning blocking any positive coming our way. I don’t want to live this way. I despise strife. And yet it is in every corner of every family. I honestly, feel like a failure in this department. Because the cycle continues, which means I did not teach clear enough, example close enough or even paid attention enough. So when does it start, how do we teach others, how do we begin? Many different questions going through my mind.
In all my years, I do know I have said things about others while out of their presence. The difference is, I would not say anything behind someone’s back if I won’t say it to their face. I felt the pain of it with an old best friend in middle school did it to me. I was always a bit of a loner due to being an introvert and I had very few friends. For me, I set my expectations high in that category. At that point, I said no. The first time, ok forgiven, second time: ADIOS. I just can not deal with it. Now I am still dealing with it. Except I am watching it in others I love. I will try my hardest to look at it from both the victims’ sides, but it never works because I end up pissed and their feelings are hurt. And back to square one again.
Here is the vial I always feel when I can not fix it and help each other see that they are different individuals who by no means will ever think alike. Positivity is what I am craving in all of this. pain is just too much to bare. Look around at society everywhere. Don’t you see the evil hate out there? Why in the world would you want it in your everyday life? Isn’t it respectful for the two to talk to each other about their feelings involving the other? Or would we rather hurt the third party, trying to stay Switzerland, where they shut the door and lock everyone out? For the sake of yourself, please stop this madness. Enough is enough. Stand up, talk it out, listen to help fix the issue instead of being stubborn.
For now, I’m staying where I am in all of it: OUT. I will, not for anyone else, but yes being selfish here, my sanity. I love those I do and I will stay true to myself in it all. I can not take on anyone else hurt or words spewed like crap. This is the world. It is your choice to choose to be the cord passing on the words, the receiver and the distributor in the game of telephone. You choose your happiness or misery. I choose to be happy for all that I love and trying, thru my own pain, to stay positive.
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