In a world full of so much chaos, breathing room is hard to find. The road has been trying for me these past few months. To add injury to insult, now I am full blown menopausal. Hot flashes galore, spawn of satan in moments of quiet, fatigue just when a task begins. I had witnessed one other woman in the stages of this evil monstrosity that takes over women in their mid ages. I thought, “wow, she is so not fun to be around”. Guess what, that was my mother. Mind you, I have heard my mother, on several occasions, lose her wording but this particular word, hardly ever. Yes, the f-bomb. But I have seen the other side of this beast and I know she survived. As for me or those around me, time will tell.
Funny how this wonderful change does not ask you when you would like to come on board. It just simply takes over. Walking around, talking to others normally and all of a sudden, there’s a spoon in the sink. I feel that vial again. The rage has come through. Words of anger and hate have poured out of my mouth as if I was in a local bar stale vomiting. Just as I am about to completely finish off my victim, the remorse sets in. And we have faucets of tears flowing as if I needed a shower at that moment. What is going on inside me? Why do I have to feel this way?
Here’s the thing, I had a hysterectomy in 2002. As of today, one ovary left and well it has not functioned right in years. The only value it has is to create as many cysts to cause just enough pain to remind you what those monthly visits were always like. Because every woman’s dream is to be reminded of why we love Aunt Flo coming to town. I mean the fetal position was so comfortable on the hardest day. Why not reminisce now that those days are gone?
Here’s the deal. Life does love throwing curve balls just when you think you have the ball in sight. It leaves no stone unturned. You can walk past it but it will find you and test every fiber of your being. I just wish I learned how to catch the ball in my mitt a long time ago. So it is a daily learning experience. I just hope all my loved ones can hold on within my storm. It’s not pretty and I have no idea how to handle it. So since I have gotten used to the living every moment in the second it comes for the past 3 years, here’s another coal to the fire. My only hope is I don’t damage my relationships along the way. After all, this is a new venture for me too.