Sitting here fighting back tears with my heart breaking inside for the millionth time in such a short time. I know I have put myself in my own position but I don’t need to relive it day by day, do I? It seems like every time I think I am hitting a mile marker, the big sign comes and smacks me in the face, throwing me 100 miles backward. At this point, I wish my heart was like this one, in a box. Surrounded by a huge block, never allowing it to breathe or get shattered again.
I try to express how I feel and to my surprise, the same reaction. I do not want to ride this roller coaster anymore. It takes too much out of me. I can not sleep, my mind races non-stop. I eat and get sick to my stomach. Gone are the days where food was not my enemy, at least that’s how I think. I feel like a trainwreck on replay.
I have survived so much in 3 1/2 years but I can not get past the pain in my chest. If I do what I want, I get the 5th degree. I try to do things I really love and it is just not enough. I only want to shine somehow. I am beating on the door, please someone open it up.
Releasing my words helps but only so far. I do not know how to speak them verbally. I seem to cause a tornado effect. It can last for days on end. Even putting myself in places that should cause joy, hurts. Tell me where to turn, how to get there, when to jump off. Overwhelming is not even close to the depths of my hurts. It’s like looking for the ocean floor and realizing it’s still a cliff.
So for now, let the tears fall. Let my heart pound in pain. Let my world fall all around me. It doesn’t matter. Soon enough my stop will come. I will hear those words, thank you for participating. Until then, cry on. Just know, I will keep trying, fighting and pushing to get past all of this vial torment. Sometimes I need to take a water vacation and release the noise in my heart. I never meant to cause anyone any kind of pain, nor do I wish this on my worst enemy. I’m waiting for the day, where I will be free from it all. Pain will endure for the night, but the joy comes in the morning. Well, another morning has come and gone. I am still here.