Moments That Crack the Surface

Do you every have days where nothing goes right? Every move you make seems to be further and further from where you were just 2 seconds ago. Can you go from being completely fine to utter chaos all in a flat second? I do, in a hot minute. 

I try to begin my days on a positive vibe even if I have just woken from a nightmare. I always aim to do my best but sometimes every rug I step on gets rip right out from under me. And there I am sprawled out on the floor waiting for a breath to save me. In those moments, eternity happens and I see not light at the end of it. Yes, I go back and forth in my mind for moments on end trying to come up with an amazing solution. All I seem to find are a puddle of tears, shattered heart and broke dreams. 

These are the most exhausting days ever. I tend to crawl back in bed, spilling out the hurt in tears on my pillow. Wondering what happen. Replaying each moment in my mind but not finding a good point at all. So what do I do from here? How do I fix this? Sadly, I never find my answer alone. Taking on too much at one time tends to get the best of us, I know this from experience and maybe this is where my children get the all or nothing mentality. 

I have had my battles with depression for many years. Luckily it has never completely won. There are times when I feel completely defeated and others I manage to get back into the swing of things. I never get on my feet without a voice of reason. Usually, that voice is flowing from a close friend. Someone who knows my ins and outs, who can reach me where I am at that second. Someone who never lets me fall alone. But most of the time, I never reach out to anyone. 

Here is the flaw in all of this. You see I am trying to conform myself to a fictional happiness as perceived by others as real. Sadly once the fake wears off, the no one else can see it but me. Standing alone on a cold hard fact of facing my fears. Because that is what depression is really all about. It is not just because we failed on a test or got dumped by a boyfriend. No, it is about failure itself. The fear of failing, we all have it. Some seem to take it to the extreme, fingers all pointing my way. 

I can tell my children all the time, the only one that can make them happy is themselves. Hm funny, I hear the words but they are not sinking in. Could it be another voice telling me I am that failure? I am not worth the happiness I really want? Well, these are pure outright lies. Considering I dislike lies with a passion, I seem to believe them. 

So now that I am on the middle ground of the wonderous world of life, I will continue to press forward because I am worth it. I am valuable, maybe not to all but a few. Actually, I would rather be loved by the few than all. Our lives may not touch every single person out there, but touching just a handful is enough to fill our hearts with pure happiness. Have your breakdowns, just do not unpack and stay there. You are valuable to someone. 





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