Above The Depths Of The Dark Crevasses Is The Light, Latch Onto It.

I noticed how much I have taken for granted. Seems all my life I wondered around thinking how unfortunate others had it, whilst I never suffered those problems. Mother of 6 and not having the emotions other mothers had already achieved. Until it all started to flow downhill, the speed of light could not keep up.

I had my first direct encounter with death in 08. Yes, I had known others some close but far enough away, I could block the major pain. Not this time, it was my papa. Watching him turn from such life, strong filled with happiness and joy every time I saw him. To a very fragile man needing to be cared for with every breath all the way until the end. That was very hard to watch and added a hard knot in my gut which never went away. 

Life took over, a few more passing then bam a major hit took place. My father in law. I knew this day would take a hold of my husband and never let go. Watching this man melt into a pool of tears not knowing where to turn with such pain, I had no idea what to do or say. This was very hard. But nothing had prepared me for the sucker punch coming. The moment I split into two and never returning back.

I had forever been changed because of my life as I knew it was done, chapter closed, no moving forward.  It was a moment in time I replay over and over again. A moment I never imagined would happen, my husband was gone. Looking into this life that never stopped even for a second, lifeless, complete, done and gone. An extreme measure of confusing melted with numbing pain crusted over with anger and hate added to being an explosion no matter who was in front of me. 

The vileness welled up inside of me spilling over when my volcano erupted. Not one person was spared. It took many moons to get to the acceptance stage and then onto trying to heal. Still spewing words of nastiness when the darkness would take over.  I tried to lock myself away from everyone, seeing those days I never thought it could happen to me or my family. I added those visions of shame on my head and allowed them to fester deep. Why did I think I was protected from life’s changes? What made me think I was that special?

It all set in to take up residence in my heart, I dove deep into the other direction trying to fix one person at a time. Talk about epic fail and back to square one. Except I am going to add an extra factor of another relationship in and fix it from the start. Wow, do I hear myself? Apparently not since here I am trying to fix me again. 

Like the Grand Canyon, we all have deep crevasses of emotions from life changes that we forget how minute they truly are compared to the vast mountains surrounding them. Those glimmers of hope that seem so giant, no one will ever reach them. But, yet they do. I was sinking into my own crevasses, I forgot I was almost to the top of the mountain. Those fog horns were not loud enough for me to see, but oh, how I see it all now.

from eric f 5

 

Looking around, I can see the happiness waiting for me to grasp it. Hold on as tight as I possibly can. Yes, I have finally caught up to those thoughts from long ago, I am not special or tucked away from what may come. I am, however, learning to see the grapes amongst the broken vines. I can see just because I may be down, I am so not out. Life changes daily, it is just the big explosions that jar us off course. Forcing our eyes open to what is of value.

As I sit here today, still very broken but I am so not done. I have so much to see, learn, and do, I am not ready to stop pushing forward. I want to be the one who helps those who seem to be stuck where I have been. I want to be able to point out my blessings as they come, instead of digging into the rut of the mess. Just as the crater formed the Grand Canyon, I will let the craters of my life transform me into a beautiful sight to see from every view.  I will begin with the deepest darkest point, my heart. 

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