Waking up with the thought of good or bad, then wondering why such a difference exists. Sets me into an alternative direction, could be both. Usually, starts with what took place as my eyes rested. Every morning a new step I must learn to walk taking all my lingering thoughts tugging on my memory strings trying to keep me in the pools of sorrow and pain so unbearable. Yet I am learning a very different view I refused to look upon for my whole existence.
Focusing on faults of the past, my future hangs in the balance of the unknown. I used to believe such dreams existed until one was shattered as I lay. The moment passed but the smell of the rot lingered for years. Pulling me under so many times, I was beginning to sink. Even though days I felt as if the mountain top had finally rest my footing, I would slide into turmoil once again. I somehow began to wonder into the world of what could be. I started to feel the stabbing pain get slightly reduced where breathing was not so deep. We all have moments that cement our feet to the burning fire of pain so unimaginable, it is hard to see the light trying to peek thru. Being reminded of what a human life was meant for helped me see a new way to process the words trying to sink in.
In the midst of ever rising pain, I felt finding a replacement to shift my feelings would quickly hide all the brewing negative remnants I had already set in motion. Of course, I played pretend to my own mind very well. I took all the idle moments and added a bit of flare until the pot spill over onto my hiding places and my world crumbled again times two. Funny I believed my own filth. Taking a step out of my forbidden places lead me to a comfort I had been searching for all along. This was a place of utopia I never wanted to be in because it belonged to only me. As tv programs of my life’s past would continue to replay, I found the fuzzy screen of the forbidden fruit to follow. It had taken a family of constant strides to pull me back to my long lost reality. Let me tell you, after decades of never watering myself, I am awakened to the beauty of each new pedal of my life. It is becoming my favorite view.
I have learned each pain and sorrow is a part of me for which I can not escape from but as I do walk a new moment in life, I can add bits and dust of happiness I had blocked away in every second of life. As I am sharing each thought to any other willing to listen, I am opened to a new reason why they were always blocked until the times I am being taught the real meaning of life’s lessons. I never realized before how each day is a lesson with 24 full hours of learning a different view. I may wake up with the worst storm ever to rage inside but I now carry the joyous dust in tow to highlight the most important view shining in front of me.