Love Is Always Around Me

Sounds of the little voices having such sweet conversations. Their imaginations running wild with nothing but the dirt and water mixing together their potions. Stirring in the dirt from across the yard. Playing ever so sweetly. Helping each other get more and more dirt, as well as helping each other out of the turtle box containing the perfect potion mixture.

Watching my grandchildren run around the yard laughing and playing brings such a smile to my face. In a world where all you see is little ones with technology in their faces, these little ones are using sticks, wood planks, old tool boxes, stones, dirt, water and their imagination to play on their adventures.

You hear the squeak of the little voice who does not speak clearly yelling “you toming back? Sissy tome on.” Sounds of such sweet bliss. Hearing the voice of reason brings a giggle to my spirit. The cuteness of faces caring all the smudges of mud where their hands brushed away the air in her eyes or wiping his nose. I am watching full personalities building up with each word.

I think back to the time mine were that small. Playing outside was mandated with me. Where most had the nice yard, never looked like anyone walked on it, mine was played in. Yes, moments where it was clean up but what I remember was happy memories being made. Imaginations blossoming into minds with artistic compound gathering for later dates.

I am now into generation two of my world, I am blessed to be seeing it all over again in the little eyes that belong to those children. Amongst the life of my constant change, one thing does hold true. Love is always around me. Proof may have started many many years ago, but it grows daily. My yellow brick road seems to have always been paved with dirt. You know what, I am just fine with that.

RES

From The Soul Out

Kind of a funny story… this thing we like to call life sometimes, well just as soon as you begin going left. The rock of a right-hand swing steps right into your path. I have found a new view for the different lessons I decided to swallow the hard way. Every day and anyway I could possibly climb that rock, it never moved until I could see right through it. That seems to be the part where my sword of life demolished the boulder into the dust of joy encircling me. I had found my visions.

 

As a hider of myself, my whole being only connected within the bloodlines of others. It was easy to turn my back on those things I had always feared to face. Moments which had me build walls of nonpiercing metals around my soul, never to see the light of day. I had long forgotten each tormented feeling, I had learned to pick the perfect guidance to focus on. Getting carried away from all my pits of lava which was getting hotter and hotter with each choice. It was the moment I had a vision of all my past mistakes and hidden fears overtaking each blessed future I was so undeserving to even be a part of. I realized those little eyes looking at me, were deserving of so much more.

 

Even many decades in, I thought I knew me very well. I had a huge A-HA lightning bolt flash right through my soul. It was time. All walls fell, my eyes were wide open, my spirit began to sink fast. But, my soul. My soul began to soar so high. I looked back at the moments as each finger points to remember this and don’t forget the huge mistake of that, I realize not one of those fingers matters because it was my lesson. I see the outcome, I walk it second by second. I have decided to look at the positive side of all the hurts changing into stars of a wisdom passed through me. Without each one, my face would be so much different in so many ways. The humbling experiences would not be real, the true happiness would never be found.

 

Yes, the truth is I could have by passed somethings as others show me their views of my trips, by that is just it. Each one, mine. Beyond the control of the only stability within my life completely, I will be me. I will learn how to live again in a joyous way filled with the positivity of learning my own lessons. Allowing the depths of darkness from my mistakes past is no longer valid in my realm of life. As freedom hit every fiber inside, the uncontrolled need to run faded away. Releasing the chains that bound all my torments, which cemented my feet to the ground of sorrow and pain. No longer exist. Forgiveness is working its way through the memory bank of life, replacing the hurt with peace.

 

Peace has become my new favorite. My go to when jaws of past come to call. I promise if you learn to cut all the ties that do bind, you will feel the gentleness of life and all it has to offer. True happiness from the soul out is the true love everyone searches for.

RES

 

Right Here Is Where I Am

There comes a point in everyone’s life when everything comes to the front of your life. Causing all things from the past and present to make you see all your fears within one tiny view. The little torments you thought you left behind have now shown up front and center. Surrounded by the helpers of horrors present. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing can stand in their way. Marching forward, all walls blocking their every move crumbles like sands in time which has completely stopped until you realize your “only me” moment has now arrived. 

I have hit that perpetual wall full force with every disgusting artifact I walked away from, is unpacking each terrifying moment piece by horrible piece. I never thought I would have to face myself. I had locked that door many years ago. Long before the words, mommy entered my heart. Each memorable photo was wiped clean, or so I believed. I always found someone to shade me from the arms trying to creep their way into range. Sadly, my final hiding place now watches over me for going on 4 years now.

I tried to run away searching for the easy train to take me far away from the hell I was about to step into. My hell. This running ended with a major hit of torment of a new form taking control of me. I found no shadow to fall into. I had found the black hole. The effects corrupted by this movement almost gave my destiny an abrupt end. Except my past had other plans. I had found myself once again on that magical ride to lose myself in someone else’s world. 

My assignment was not complete and here was a new start in a better form. I can hide away to never see myself again. The magic began and disappeared in about the fasted amounts of speed light could ever endure. Grasping at straws I allowed myself to fall into others and this one very well. This one was different and I could not get my walls to come down but I was going to try. I had to get away. That time ended. I look into the eyes of myself on a much deeper level to where now I am in quicksand and darkness has begun to take over. No self-esteem left and I have hit fight or flight mode. Fight it is.

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I hurt because I now see it is me I have always been battling for so many years. The pain of hurting the one who had my heart from the first sound of hello. The stabbing of my gut telling me what my mind was blocking my darkness from truly seeing which my heart ultimately won. To the nausea of finding me so much more into the negative world to which my life was heading into and I do not know how to stop it. To where I finally sit today knowing I have to face myself. 

I have allowed every single relationship in my life to override me deep down. But each and every relationship has brought the true “me” to look at me eye to eye and know I am her. As I sit alone taking in the silence I so desperately needed but never wanted, I hear the sounds of so many birds talking and singing and just loving every type of weather outside. I find myself gazing upon the wind blowing through each tree leave as to wave at me. Letting me know I am seeing every part. Each new sight pops another glowing bubble of emotion waiting to be set free. Each photo of memories past is starting to take form in lessons meant to be taught. I fill with tears once again.

Tears for the very first disappointments I took on as an infant shamed by someone who helps create my life, knowing I have to forgive this tormented soul to settle my own. Tears of heartache I would never wish upon someone I humanly believe deserves to feel this gut pulling bitterness of losing your spirit with every shovel of dirt dropped on life as you had known for so damn long. Tears of hurting so deep knowing the only person who can make me happy is who I have run from for so long my life actually is in jeopardy as my ultimate consequence. Tears for seeing every damaged part lost in the caves of all the steps I climbed into and yet knowing through every aspect of my world has flipped on it back leaving me right back where I belong. 

Right here is where I am. Holding hands with my inner self because I can not truly love completely without first loving me for exactly who I am. As I begin this step I have removed my names of who I always and forever will be: daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, wife, mom, aunt, in-law, grandmother, widow. I am now in these moments of remembrance and going to restart the me “Rochelle”. Learning to be who I was and am created to be while taking marks off my soul of darkness and turning them point by point into light. 

As I begin unfolding the me of my life, please know that every angle will be taking a turn as I scrape away the pain with guidance only Jesus can provide. The view from the inside will be very difficult to just try to swim through so I will tiptoe foot by foot making sure all processes are washed over with the glow of happiness. I will ultimately wear the crown of inner happiness where the new scene only shines rays of pure, glorious joy. I know then and only then will the hurts of me will heal within the souls of others.

RES

It Was You

You were my weakness, my teenager jumping to surface to feel the air on her face. You were my freedom of walking away from the hurt. You were my savior for a never ending rebirth. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I saw you, It was you.

You feed the need deep down inside, my darkness fights to hide. You kept my waves completely savaged,, twisting each grain of mixed emotion. You were the answer to all the desires I had dreamed of, to escape this thing called destiny. You were the moment I should have never turned.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I heard you. It was you.

You kept me holding on along the tides of ropes dragging my heart in shreds. You helped me disconnect to what was screaming without a sound. You were all the wonders of so many years that needed out. You were my reasons to give up and check out. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I smelled you. It was you.

You took the me who needing saving, piercing each bloodline severing all to see what was true. You kept a hold of the me who understood, when to look and when to run or when to stay, paralyzed I felt the need to see it through. You were the captures of moments left to make my own mistakes.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I felt you. It was you.

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You helped me connect to parts I tucked away. You were the key to a life I had erased. You were the gather of all the laughs my heart locked away. You were the me I needed before I walked away.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I truly seen you, It was you.

Now, I find the answers to all the questions unexplained. I can hold each tear I cry and feel your name. All my lessons still sting with many new memories I can never change. You were the reason for my escape of damages I could never restate. You added to my heart’s new cage. You were the me from many worlds ago but gave up on faith. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I lost you. It was you.

This me will always see the hidden you behind the face. Me will always thinks of your embrace. Me to understand what you left unsaid. Me taking in the you I was meant to take. Me a better part of the you shining bright.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I loved you. It was you.

RES

Widows Walk Alone

I entered this step surrounded by those who tried to understand this world I had just begun to drown in. The world I never wanted to see. A newness of wonders I never planned on happening. I was hit with the frozen moments of despair. A new life as a widow. Completely learning this title from the ground up.

Words flowed out like the water of apologies to acts of uncomfortable tries of sympathy trying to crack thru the out shell I instantly put on full lockdown. Nothing was going to penetrate the vial I was holding onto. The feeling of complete autopilot covering my motions, while the dam is holding back emotions of tidal waves creating the biggest tsunami I had ever felt deep down, darkness took hold. The me I used to know just died along with him. I just left her with him forever.

This was a walk I can play over and over in my mind even 3 and a half years out. Waves of memories still paralyzed my heart, while the forgotten seconds leave my head in a fog. I reached for every place I could hide into. Not letting my surroundings become stale as to force any sign of movement of healing so far out of my way. I thought finding others like me would help. It did, to a point. 

After hearing the all too many cliche’ phrases to kill my spirit which will always last me a lifetime, I found the perfect place to mend my broken spirit where others go who know your name. They get it, they totally understand. Every feeling I wanted to scream, someone else seen it, sprayed it and totally mastered it. The meltdowns felt familiar, the dreams stayed the same. We all could release emotions others seem to think were unacceptable in their safe world. We lent our versions of how to heal from our steps of traveling in this path. 

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I would feel as if no one understood but someone would spill out there’s and yes it did help. But for me, I needed more. I needed someone who walked exactly in my shoes to dig out from the mud pit I began to take up roots in. I wanted it all to heal in my time, in my way. Not hearing suggestions because how could you understand, you see let me not share what I am afraid of, what I am hurting about, what failures I will walk with day by day. But please, tell me how to push it so far down, I stumble into my own self. And suddenly, that wall scarred me with the hottest iron that had ever pierced my soul.

I had made choices others seen as mistakes but they were mine. I had become half a person and trying to find my other half because of most of my living, breathing life, I was always half of 2. That 2 became one. Here I stood “Half”. Searching for a new way to move into the world I could not complete alone, but I can.

I was the widow who had to learn it alone. Yes, the guidance of those who truly understood helped when I chose to listen to the steps they took. I still had to make my own steps sometimes sinkholes to see the lesson my mistake made. The struggles had their moments of telling me who was in control. My need to drive every motive down its own path of destruction smacking in the face of a still growing family with others who lost a part of themselves too. You see that day, not only did I become a widow, I also became the only parent. Big pants to take on all broken and soaking in darkness. 

It has taken some strides and I am sure I will never fully recover because that one strong saying is so not true. Time does NOT heal ALL wounds. This is one I am sure every widow will agree. The scab does crust over, but it never truly heals. Many new occasions, life events, growing pains, and successes will all come and go. With each one that scab will fall off. Opening up the harshness of the reality, you are still the half alone. It does not become the mighty storm of your lifetime but It still forms tornados here and there. Even with every day bringing in a very brand spanking new moment in time, things will grow and new relationships will happen but I will always be the widow who had to do it alone. 

RES

For All The Memories We Made


20160727_165411.jpgA place in time only few will notice. Seems so far away but yet in a familiar backyard. Getting lost and away from it all was so easy and spontaneous. Never wanting to leave is how I felt. So I didn’t.

Happiness came easy here. Surrounded by the peace of time and friends. Laughing, sharing thoughts as well as stories. Now left to memories tucked away only to be seen on a very hard day. Even for just a few days away from society at its finest. Still gave me the much needed time spent with you.  

I can still smell the smoke from the fire pit, overcoming the camp we all held together. Sounds of streams flowing into the lake, the fish swimming for their lives literally. Taking in all the nature which everyday life steals away. Allowing ourselves to be complete again, if only for a while. 

I think everyday steals a part of who we are, losing what we once thought we wanted. Where does our joy go? When do we start to fall for the lies we tell ourselves? When do we find it all over again? I believe these few days brought me back to the real moments in life where everything made sense. Nothing was left to chance but just being. Taking in all the wonders nature has to offer. 

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It is the beauty that surrounds us every day but we refuse to turn our eyes to it. We lose all focus for a step forward in the adult game of life. Killing every joyous fiber we were born with. How do we take it back? Why do we only find these places to hide for just a little while? 

These memories gave me a lifetime of thoughts to hold onto for times when I can not breathe. Times when I think it is just too hard to move forward. Times when I think living is the biggest chore of them all. It’s this special time with you I cling to. Allowing my mind to take me to the peace I once felt inside. The only sounds were your giggles and crickets singing. Sounds of the life you always loved to engulf into. Some days it is hard but I can still recall each of those moments.TheBeautyWithin.jpg

It sad how we can only grasp these moments every now and again. Taking a break from the cold cruel world to actually see such beauty that is surrounding us. A tear can only mask the pain of the memories we never created after this day. But if it is only the memories I have to bank on, then I will take them. I know for a second happiness was in my hands. I was the one who let it fly away. I did not hold tight to what was in front of me. I never allowed it to sink completely in. 

How can we know the view unless we open ourselves to see the truth behind our eyes? Some moments come by surprise, others by sheer design. These moments came because you saw it all. You knew the beauty that needed to be seen. You knew how to breathe in the life others take for granted. You tried to guide me by pulling as hard as you could even when I hated it. You pushed. I gave in this once. Once, a memory forever cherished. 

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As I stated, not many will know this place as only a few have seen it. But for those who have will understand the dynamic held within her grasp. I learned a lot in the few short days I spent amongst the trees of life. Created bonds I never knew existed. Sites I will never forget even if I truly wanted to. But I do not. Actually, this is a place I never want to share with anyone else except for those who were there. The very few who knew you as well. Those are the ones who seen the beauty you held deep down. The connection with nature at her finest.

20160727_165402If only for a moment I get to hold these memories close. Keeping it only for our view. Allowing the very few you let into your life. The place you found beautiful. The place you allowed yourself to shine. I see you within these trees, the scenery that keeps you alive. I notice the little things you always knew. I smell the heartiness of nature when the wind blows my way. I hear your laughter with every gust of wind from a wing of a bird makes. It is my memory I keep tucked away. These are our moments I carry with me. If only for a moment I see our beauty. 

These photos are from a very special place in the backyard of a friends property. I had the privilege to camp in this area with my late husband. I forgot what it meant to take in the sights. He did not. He saw all the beauty of the world around him and left no stone unturned. If for only a few days, I got the gift of seeing his view. What a marvelous view it is. Little did I realize, this would be my only time walking amongst this area as a wife, now I walk it a widow. 

Stop every now and again and take in your surroundings. Life does not have to be push and shove all the time. The beauty is out there for us to grab. Take a chance and jump into nature, you never know the memories you will make. 

(I dedicate these photos and blog to my late husband, whom I will love and miss for the rest of my life. He knew beauty at its finest and never feared the next step in life. Here is to all your eyes had to tell Brian, forever in my soul!)