Yes, You Are Who You Are

Going thru the worst parts of my life has given me more focus since I have reached the other side. What was meant to tear me down and paralyze me, has only enhanced my drive for the challenge. My experiences have made others simply cringe, while others seem to fall about on behalf of me. Their words held tight to my heart, giving me the joy to keep going forward. Yet, there were few who wanted to see me sink into their lives of torment from all the pain they refuse to let go of. This became my determination.

I have had so many hard times during my childhood into my young adult life. I pushed thru all of them, hiding them away from my future. Mostly, I succeeded in the holdings. Until the moment I became a widow. Then all my weaknesses were uncovered for all to see. My raw emotions I had learned to silence began to scream out for attention. This began my spiral to a life so out of control, I never wanted to touch the ground.

I allowed myself to put my self-worth in all the hopelessness and self-mutilation because truly, I hated what I had no choice to become. This ground I could see was nothing more than the black hole I wanted to become. Every pain of any event in my life slapped me so hard across the face. I could not stop the forces it created. Therefore I watched myself spin so far out of control for years. Until the final words pulled the exhausting rope and I found me, hurt broken horrified yet all of me.

You will never be anything more than a piece of shit laborer. Words that pierced into the deadening of my heart so hard, I took charge of everything I had to go through and stopped them from trying to kill me. This words may very well pointless to most and may seem extremely harsh for a lot, I’ll explain. I am a mindful user. I was a labor, yes, but I need to use my mind. These words came from a very hurtful, manipulative person. At that moment my battle began.

I finally felt the bottom ground. I had finally seen the most exquisite ray of light shining up at me as if to say “Yes, you are who you are”. I stepped on the battlefield knowing exactly every sword to fly, every shot to take, every bomb to set off to get to the woman I am complete. I will be whole again. I will become everything I want to be and every piece I was always meant to be. I will cross every line to success and prove to only myself, my value and worth. I am going to be happy inside because I am allowed to be.

Those malice words which were meant shatter me to the point of no return, have been my daggers. Each time I feel the pull-down, I grab a hold of them, changing them to “You can and will become who you are” as the sharp edges begin to bleed them into my soul. On this new playing field, I have stumbled and felt defeated in moments. I would stop to fulfill the pity party in my own mind. Still each morning I would rebegin.

I am finally seeing my world grow each day. New beginnings of many relationships, looking for my real purpose within it. New life goals of dreams from the past and what will be a future excitement full of making them all come true. New stepping stones in life. A career change which I am constantly striving to push myself past my comfort zone because this is the part of life I need. Finally, those words which inflamed the fire back in me has truly shown I am who I am.

 

RES

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I Am The Fixer

Have you ever looked inside yourself to see what your true potential is regarding everyone else in your world? During the hardest times, I have tried to find myself. I wondered what is it that makes me tick. What is it I look for in others and why? I will admit, it has been a very traumatic experience due to wanting to feel that happiness which surrounds me at every point in time. So what is really the issue with me?

After a couple of bad relationships, adding a few new friendships, as well as talking to a few who knows me inside and out, I am a fixer. Yes, I finally admit it. I like to fix others. I like to show them the view from my eyes. Help them reach their full potential. Sadly, this had to lead me down roads with trenches so deep, I had slipped into them many times. When I reach up, I find no hand around. I had to decide if this is the world I want to be a part of.

Yes, it is. After a lot of reflecting on what happiness means and the value of real love, I want to see the joy in others where I have helped them overcome the obstacles they view as their ending marks. I want to fill my soul with the mindset of knowing I was a difference that helps them push forward with not a handout, but a hand up. A big piece of the puzzle many passes by every second of their life.

As I look back through my life, I can see I have always been a fixer in some way or form. I had always looked at it as weakness. I felt so miserable watching others find their joy and thinking what about me. When really, I was a big part of their light coming thru. I had seen the value where others only have seen the failures and disappointments. Chalking these people as lost causes. Using the judgment of their mistakes as a final call for a finished life. So not the truth.

You see, when I meet a broken soul, I look for the tiny glimmer of light and attach myself to that point in time. So many times our failures rule our lives and everyone will show you exactly what you are doing wrong, not many are willing to show you what you are worth and what you are doing right. Granted, some are beyond the point and love their despair and refuse to fix the issues, most are not. Those are the ones I seem to find a lot.

So even though I have my times of hurt and darkness, those mini lights are the very moments that bring me to the forefront of what my purpose is in this life. I am learning my happiness is found within myself and helping to fix others in ways no one else would, is the very seed of what real true love is supposed to be. It is being the one true person when the corner smacks them in your face. I am embracing my gifts and finding all the shining stars that have not yet faded.

 RES

Forever My Bestie

I find the word friend is used way too loosely in today’s society. As a woman who has a hard time making new friends due to such selfishness that surrounds me, I have come to realize I could have lost the one true friend I had known pretty much my whole life.

This amazing woman I met at the age of 10. In the neighborhood, there were 4 of us who were always together in some way or another even amongst moving to different cities. But when life happened it seemed as tho I walked away very quickly. Taking on my life and choosing to only view my world in front of me.

At the moment, I was not thinking of the different changes that I would endure. I never gave those memories a forefront in my mind. I have always kept in touch as to keep those who have known me my whole life in a very small loop. Until one day, my world collapsed.

Reaching out, of course, all 3 were very supportive and I reconnected in a way I should not have been surprised had occurred. All the old memories came rushing back and the laughter was still the same. Giving me a true understanding of what a friend really meant.

I do continue to communicate with these childhood friends even though we are states apart. But the one who has known all my ins and outs has stepped right back into the best friend world I had long forgotten. I had missed this for so long without even knowing this woman has always seen the real me.

Of course, I love each one of my close friends very much, but this one holds such a strong connection without judgment of any of my flaws. Each time we talk, whether months apart or just hours, it is a pick up right where we left off moment. As if we know exactly the words of advice we need to hear. From crying to laughing to serious thoughts of what to do and how to get there.

This very beautiful, exquisite woman has walked beside me for so long, I don’t have to say a word and she gets it. She allows me to make my pit stops and fall flat on my face all while holding my hand and encouraging me to get up, dust myself off and move on. She gives me the confidence to see myself in a view I only longed to block. She gives me the strength to stand up straight and fight for what I need in my life, not just the wants.

Her strengths have always been a vision I had always dreamed of because of how many times I had watched her crumble. Her ideas, although maybe hard for me to understand, have always helped me see the other side of my own views. Her life has always been a very strong hold for me to look upon and be very happy in a world that would utterly shatter another.

This is the friendship that had formed so many years ago, even though life happened, I still consider her the best friend I ever have had. I may hold value to those I call my friend but she will always be my go-to girl no matter what issues I am faced with. Even with each of having our own lives and our own circle of friends, I know she has, is and always will be my forever bestie.

 

(I love you always and forever Shell…. MLDY)

 

RES

 

 

 

Being A Lifeline

What is with all the hidden agendas going on in the world today? Is everyone so completely broken where the need to dump their issues onto another takes precedence over being true? I find the fakes outweigh the real nowadays and it is a bit scary and overwhelming. As a teenager, I realized the insincerity of others and chose to make my decisions wisely regarding friendships. As an adult, I am very thankful I did.

Meeting new people has never been an easy task for me and still stands true today. Now as a single woman in a world full of pain, it seems to have only grown worse. But one thing, I can see the mask in front of those who really need just one small ray of hope to help pull them out of their fears. Where most of the time, I would not entertain the thought of any more than just a respectful, nice to meet you and continue on my way.

Seems to me all those who really want to be genuine and happy have been treated like a second rate alien. This only brings the unpleasantness to the surface leaving the true values in the wind. I am learning to see the damage inside and maybe in some small act of kindness, I can help this broken shell find their real place in this world. Listening to the words not spoken between the actions that show great compassion.

I have heard a leopard never changes its spots. Where this may be a very justifiable and true statement, what if the spots were actually rays of sunlight clouded by many of life’s disappointments? I get it, there are so many who have the I am not wrong and will never change. But that leaves behind maybe the one who so long ago got lost and bitter yet looking for a way out.

These are the few I have come across. The ones with whom my heart has told me to stay focused, they have the real value. Maybe hidden and damaged but with the help of someone else can be restored to the pure joy they were always meant to share and truly be. Just the one who has been in the quicksand of their own lives and the rope has always been just a bit out of reach. Against my normal behavior and with my own personal damages, I am finding that rope could be their own saving grace.

So at the end of the day, when all I have done is put to rest. Even with a life of a circle so small a pinpoint doesn’t even fit into it when it comes to letting anyone in my realm, I am taking a few leaps of faith to help the tiny lights to learn they are still very much worth a lifetime of happiness. I know I can not save everyone and most don’t want to be. But to those who have somehow touched my heart, I want to be the lifeline they need with words to show them it will be worth it all but you have to let go of what was and become who you really are.

 

RES

 

Love Is Always Around Me

Sounds of the little voices having such sweet conversations. Their imaginations running wild with nothing but the dirt and water mixing together their potions. Stirring in the dirt from across the yard. Playing ever so sweetly. Helping each other get more and more dirt, as well as helping each other out of the turtle box containing the perfect potion mixture.

Watching my grandchildren run around the yard laughing and playing brings such a smile to my face. In a world where all you see is little ones with technology in their faces, these little ones are using sticks, wood planks, old tool boxes, stones, dirt, water and their imagination to play on their adventures.

You hear the squeak of the little voice who does not speak clearly yelling “you toming back? Sissy tome on.” Sounds of such sweet bliss. Hearing the voice of reason brings a giggle to my spirit. The cuteness of faces caring all the smudges of mud where their hands brushed away the air in her eyes or wiping his nose. I am watching full personalities building up with each word.

I think back to the time mine were that small. Playing outside was mandated with me. Where most had the nice yard, never looked like anyone walked on it, mine was played in. Yes, moments where it was clean up but what I remember was happy memories being made. Imaginations blossoming into minds with artistic compound gathering for later dates.

I am now into generation two of my world, I am blessed to be seeing it all over again in the little eyes that belong to those children. Amongst the life of my constant change, one thing does hold true. Love is always around me. Proof may have started many many years ago, but it grows daily. My yellow brick road seems to have always been paved with dirt. You know what, I am just fine with that.

RES

From The Soul Out

Kind of a funny story… this thing we like to call life sometimes, well just as soon as you begin going left. The rock of a right-hand swing steps right into your path. I have found a new view for the different lessons I decided to swallow the hard way. Every day and anyway I could possibly climb that rock, it never moved until I could see right through it. That seems to be the part where my sword of life demolished the boulder into the dust of joy encircling me. I had found my visions.

 

As a hider of myself, my whole being only connected within the bloodlines of others. It was easy to turn my back on those things I had always feared to face. Moments which had me build walls of nonpiercing metals around my soul, never to see the light of day. I had long forgotten each tormented feeling, I had learned to pick the perfect guidance to focus on. Getting carried away from all my pits of lava which was getting hotter and hotter with each choice. It was the moment I had a vision of all my past mistakes and hidden fears overtaking each blessed future I was so undeserving to even be a part of. I realized those little eyes looking at me, were deserving of so much more.

 

Even many decades in, I thought I knew me very well. I had a huge A-HA lightning bolt flash right through my soul. It was time. All walls fell, my eyes were wide open, my spirit began to sink fast. But, my soul. My soul began to soar so high. I looked back at the moments as each finger points to remember this and don’t forget the huge mistake of that, I realize not one of those fingers matters because it was my lesson. I see the outcome, I walk it second by second. I have decided to look at the positive side of all the hurts changing into stars of a wisdom passed through me. Without each one, my face would be so much different in so many ways. The humbling experiences would not be real, the true happiness would never be found.

 

Yes, the truth is I could have by passed somethings as others show me their views of my trips, by that is just it. Each one, mine. Beyond the control of the only stability within my life completely, I will be me. I will learn how to live again in a joyous way filled with the positivity of learning my own lessons. Allowing the depths of darkness from my mistakes past is no longer valid in my realm of life. As freedom hit every fiber inside, the uncontrolled need to run faded away. Releasing the chains that bound all my torments, which cemented my feet to the ground of sorrow and pain. No longer exist. Forgiveness is working its way through the memory bank of life, replacing the hurt with peace.

 

Peace has become my new favorite. My go to when jaws of past come to call. I promise if you learn to cut all the ties that do bind, you will feel the gentleness of life and all it has to offer. True happiness from the soul out is the true love everyone searches for.

RES

 

Right Here Is Where I Am

There comes a point in everyone’s life when everything comes to the front of your life. Causing all things from the past and present to make you see all your fears within one tiny view. The little torments you thought you left behind have now shown up front and center. Surrounded by the helpers of horrors present. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing can stand in their way. Marching forward, all walls blocking their every move crumbles like sands in time which has completely stopped until you realize your “only me” moment has now arrived. 

I have hit that perpetual wall full force with every disgusting artifact I walked away from, is unpacking each terrifying moment piece by horrible piece. I never thought I would have to face myself. I had locked that door many years ago. Long before the words, mommy entered my heart. Each memorable photo was wiped clean, or so I believed. I always found someone to shade me from the arms trying to creep their way into range. Sadly, my final hiding place now watches over me for going on 4 years now.

I tried to run away searching for the easy train to take me far away from the hell I was about to step into. My hell. This running ended with a major hit of torment of a new form taking control of me. I found no shadow to fall into. I had found the black hole. The effects corrupted by this movement almost gave my destiny an abrupt end. Except my past had other plans. I had found myself once again on that magical ride to lose myself in someone else’s world. 

My assignment was not complete and here was a new start in a better form. I can hide away to never see myself again. The magic began and disappeared in about the fasted amounts of speed light could ever endure. Grasping at straws I allowed myself to fall into others and this one very well. This one was different and I could not get my walls to come down but I was going to try. I had to get away. That time ended. I look into the eyes of myself on a much deeper level to where now I am in quicksand and darkness has begun to take over. No self-esteem left and I have hit fight or flight mode. Fight it is.

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I hurt because I now see it is me I have always been battling for so many years. The pain of hurting the one who had my heart from the first sound of hello. The stabbing of my gut telling me what my mind was blocking my darkness from truly seeing which my heart ultimately won. To the nausea of finding me so much more into the negative world to which my life was heading into and I do not know how to stop it. To where I finally sit today knowing I have to face myself. 

I have allowed every single relationship in my life to override me deep down. But each and every relationship has brought the true “me” to look at me eye to eye and know I am her. As I sit alone taking in the silence I so desperately needed but never wanted, I hear the sounds of so many birds talking and singing and just loving every type of weather outside. I find myself gazing upon the wind blowing through each tree leave as to wave at me. Letting me know I am seeing every part. Each new sight pops another glowing bubble of emotion waiting to be set free. Each photo of memories past is starting to take form in lessons meant to be taught. I fill with tears once again.

Tears for the very first disappointments I took on as an infant shamed by someone who helps create my life, knowing I have to forgive this tormented soul to settle my own. Tears of heartache I would never wish upon someone I humanly believe deserves to feel this gut pulling bitterness of losing your spirit with every shovel of dirt dropped on life as you had known for so damn long. Tears of hurting so deep knowing the only person who can make me happy is who I have run from for so long my life actually is in jeopardy as my ultimate consequence. Tears for seeing every damaged part lost in the caves of all the steps I climbed into and yet knowing through every aspect of my world has flipped on it back leaving me right back where I belong. 

Right here is where I am. Holding hands with my inner self because I can not truly love completely without first loving me for exactly who I am. As I begin this step I have removed my names of who I always and forever will be: daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, wife, mom, aunt, in-law, grandmother, widow. I am now in these moments of remembrance and going to restart the me “Rochelle”. Learning to be who I was and am created to be while taking marks off my soul of darkness and turning them point by point into light. 

As I begin unfolding the me of my life, please know that every angle will be taking a turn as I scrape away the pain with guidance only Jesus can provide. The view from the inside will be very difficult to just try to swim through so I will tiptoe foot by foot making sure all processes are washed over with the glow of happiness. I will ultimately wear the crown of inner happiness where the new scene only shines rays of pure, glorious joy. I know then and only then will the hurts of me will heal within the souls of others.

RES