I have come to terms with my world as It surrounds me. Taking steps back to look over my mistakes and where I had lost my way. I needed to reach the person I had left in those moments and reconnect with that emotion. I seemed to have dealt with many negative emotions leaving one major one for last.
This one was different. Having suppressed the truth of what needed to be seen, I had locks protecting a part of me, I thought I could control… Well, that was until I had seen the real value behind the meaning of that lock.
Decades, I kept it dusted, polished and even talked to it here and there. Smiled and walked away. Until all the broken pieces fell between each link. The lock was only that, the walls were never built with stones. This was a major turn in my world as I had always dreamed of having.
Once I realized the true lights coming into play, I looked at myself for the value I am worth. Perfection will never be found but happiness can only grow when you own you. All of you. That began my purging moment. A moment of being set free.
A rebeginning in my world where my vision is in line with my joys and blessings in life. I get why we are given our choices and now I do understand why the trials and tribulations give us lessons or deepens our locks. Cracked sand does not confine itself to a lock.
What would happen if I did open my heart again? Would it be shattered into so many broken pieces that glue would never find the correct edges to fix again? Or would I find the one who would hold the keys for the rest of my life? Terror of the thought due to choices past takes a hold of any thoughts creating any hopes of true happiness with another. The vision looks amazing in my mind, it’s the heart the stops the flow from forming.
Due to chances pass, I may have stepped out of my bounds and set fire to maybe the one chance I had which collapses those shots that come into my mind with the sheer torment of that face. How the shining of the lights kept the charm on. How the words flowed so freely as if years were moving very fast, minutes turned into the quickest glimpse of hope popped away. How are the forms of our worlds supposed to mesh together? It was a major block in my stopping motion.
I want a world where the life of happiness is such a sweet situation that will hold my life in folds of sweet blessings. But I fear so many changes that this major shift holds strong to my changes of refuge. Could it be I am allowing my fears to overkill the life I think I want? Or could it be it really was the wrong timing and person? For the secondary I guess only time will tell. So until then, I will try hard to wait patiently and be the happiest I am as just me.
My whole life, I have always been the person who had very few friends and of those even fewer close. So to even consider a person to be in the tiny close circle in my mind means you know almost every little detail of my life. You have seen each mood of me, depths of almost to the bottom. A site I kept out of view for most that surround me including family members.
These few have surpassed a level many of my friends have never been able to cross into no matter the years of knowing them. I am not as open as many may believe I am. Sadly making the mistake that a friendship would last forever seemed to be evident for one particular person for me. I have known them for over 2 decades and losing a friendship that close and strong shatters my core. I always believed this one would always be but I was proven wrong.
Problem is I allowed myself to be hurt in this situation because I opened way too much and even though a friend is supposed to open up. Come on now, who really believes that. We all only have a few if that, with whom we are really “best” friends with knowing no matter what, thick and thin. Friends for life. But I guess every now and then, a huge hand will slap your face and leave an imprint of the face of that one who you never thought would be that person. I am not that “open” friend to everyone. Despite what anyone thinks.
My family even thinks they have ideas of how much of me they know. Sadly, so many out there have a big misunderstanding of my world but I like it that way. Point being here is if I have told you at one point or time how close you are to me, please understand that statement comes with a very high expectation of your character in my eyes. I carry a sense of pride inside of those with whom knows things about me others only run their mouths creating lies to spread. Of course, I let them. I could care less. It is those I truly care for and let in my world who steps out.
Please do not get me wrong. I totally understand the reasoning to a degree but I also know it will never happen again. I forgive, I will remember all the hours of talks, laughter, tears, smiles, memories we shared but I will always stay clear from this moment on. Friend is a word many uses so freely, I will still choose not to. I will still carry a very strong meaning for each one I have. For me, this too shall pass.
Heres just a piece of what I try to explain so that maybe others will understand what I mean when I say I want to find someone to hang with. Of course at this stage of the game finding “the one” would be sweet but I have faced it. I am not ready for that at all. But I do miss the person sitting across the room with me. Nothing but talking and laughing. Being able to share a moment of the things which is our common interest.
This point in time was not a vision I had put upon my plate. The friends or my extended family I have surrounding me are all a part of my life before my shoe size changed. I have always been a very private person as far as making friends outside of the family. Those I do have are formed on very strong grounds and lots of history. The ones I will call newer are within the last 10 years of my life. I do have a very hard time making them because I like being alone, well to a point.
This is where my husband came in. He brought all my new friends home and finally they were the ones I bonded with. I love each of them so much and cherish every memory created and to come but as I am with all of them, they are with that hang out buddy. Same with my grown children. All have stepped into adulthood in one form or another which makes my heart light up with such joy but it does leave me missing my old days. Usually, those thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I do not make friends easy no matter where I go.
I will admit the new way of meeting others is very convenient but it is also scary as hell. I like to watch others as they are in my view. The way they told to each other, can they hold eye contact. The facial expressions. You really can not do that based on a picture off of a site. I mean come on. It is also very draining because no matter what you are looking for on any site, any gender, or age group, explaining “friends” to what you think are grown individuals who seem to have a completely different view. Exhausting.
I have met a couple of great people and yes, I admit a few who flew out of the coo coo’s nest. The real deal here is I see it. I learned from it and I know exactly where I am right now. So while I talk about things I want to do and how I would love to have that single friend out there I can call up and say “let’s go” with or happens to come over and hang a few days. Because that is the companionship I miss the most. The laughter, the funny language, the crazy stories. All of that type of a connection. I am ready to have many laughing experiences out at a live band, watching a game on tv, movies, going to a party or just simply making each others day with a short text. That is what this single white female is lacking.
So please understand as you are looking across the room at that one who can look right at you no matter where you are, what your status to each other are or even the mode you are in. If you have that one, I don’t have it. I am missing that link. First time in my life, I am seeing the opening for that spot which has been filled for my whole life with someone. Their season has passed and a new season is coming.
Ever had that feeling in the pit of your stomach that if you had to wait for what you wanted one more second you would explode. You applied for that job and got the interview. Of course, it is at the 4:45 pm slot on Friday afternoon and this is the job of a lifetime. Walking away confident and a firm handshake as you realize there is at the very least two and a half days until you know if the job is yours. Put in a bid on your very first home and you know it is right up on the hour of rejection and you have bitten the last nail off. Or she was so amazing, I can’t believe she said yes, our date is three days away but I want to see her now.Patience, really?
It is a moment in time where you see your future and you can almost touch it but yet it is so out of reach. For me, patience is equivalent to driving in a blizzard. The destination is still too far away even though you know the outcome is very near. Has never been my forte. Especially if it is something I want to know immediately. It is almost like walking through the gray to see if it is black or white. Very hard key to grasping while your whole life seemed to run on that fuel in every aspect of my journey.
So how is this achieved is my next step. I guess looking through it all, I was told once I would never get anywhere with my writings. Well, I had seen black, for a moment. A few days later I turned away and jumped back into it. Patience here is now waiting for the biggest step of my career my words have taken me. A career that is not just a job. This is a new road to not just my writings and words but healing as well as waiting sometimes impatiently for the right moment meant for me. I am realizing it is the fear of moments past trying to push for the immediate effect and I want the patience to make sure it is for life.
I hear the words of the songs and my heart tears a bit. It is either a memory of times gone by or future dreams of times yet to come. Only a few will hold the presence of the now. That needs to be the sounds taking a hold of my ear. I need those sounds to guide me to the music of life filling the air with inspirations of happiness and love like none have ever felt. A pureness wanting to share with anyone who will listen. Oh, the wind blows and the notes flow across their hearts the way it touches mine.
I have crossed major floods and cleared mountain tops to find that sweet harmony that has brought me right here. Leaving me in a gentleness breeze with constant flowing wonders of which path to venture onto next. Yet it is funny how life will still throw an off tune effect here and there. Sometimes I do drop a tear for the life I had traveled on. The sites I had to endure tied into the joys of occasions that light up my world. Lifetime experiences which line the walls of my heart with rays of songs for each face the memory holds. A strand of blessings connecting the strings to the guitars of my universe. I do hear the drums that beat hard sending sorrow into motion like a hurricane of thoughts but I am soon hearing the sounds of the lights for the times I was blessed with.
In my world and life of music, I find how lost I can get in my own mind. It becomes a walk of different times of my life. I do realize how different this little bit of me is taking in different steps, but I write as I go and in the moment. I see and feel so much through the sound of songs and words to where my heart has learned to take it in and purge it out all at once. It has become a healing vise for me. A way to work through myself. A tool to stay on course, steading and forward because as times in the not so distant past I have failed. I wandered out of my own lines. I took the lead vocals and killed the sound in my own spirit. I broke.
And just like that, the sound was gone. Sending me back onto the path I was supposed to follow. The chorus came on and I heard the familiar sounds I had tucked away for moments where I slip on that slope of destruction, ropes pull tight and the harmonies begin to flow just right once again. The notes of happiness have appeared into my soul as if never left bringing nothing but joys of blessings. There is that smile, that hope, that faith I had long forgotten about. The forgiveness is much deeper when the meaning is found in a note being carried away in the sounds of memories of healing the scars.
Each day and new sound brings me to another level in life. One that is freeing inside and allowing all the inspirational tunes into a view I had never seen quite that way before. Every now and then a whistle will hit the right Soundwave and bring a tear to my eye but the daggers don’t cut as deep as they did before. In fact, they sometimes bring the noise of a giggle deep down making my soul smile so bright. New sounds are beginning to reach those levels and build mini rays of light, a feeling I have a long time relationship with and time to dance under the stars to the theme of my amazing life.
Loneliness takes over sometimes and handcuffs my heart to look into areas I do not belong in. I fight with all I have inside because I look back at what I found the past few times I ran with the feelings which were all superficial. Each feeling was of all human wants, not really where I was supposed to be. Ripping parts of my soul as each failed moment would pass by. The bleeding lasted for roughly two and a half years. The damage I thought was my life until my last breath. Thank God, I was wrong on so many levels. I just had to hit the very bottom of the cesspool.
I never really took authority very well. Controlling me was only to a particular point, after that I blocked you. It took me seeing the true colors coming to light when all I could do was look up to realize my worth still has amazing value and I am not settling. Taking back my life was very hard considering I had hidden from my own horrors for close to 46 years. A long time of running to stop dead in their tracks. I have seen the light reaching down for me and to see it was my own hand with Gods smile behind it, was the vision I needed to pull out.
So many times in life I looked for someone to fall into, making all my shattered pieces fade into the dark places and I thought they were gone. It took many to say what they were seeing in me to wake me up to a small position until one particular person revealed sights she had always seen in me for over 35 years. Tears fell so much that night but the clearing of all my storms cleared away. I have seen where I had been, where I was at that moment, and where I wanted to be. Mostly, I felt what God wanted me to feel and His visions come into view as He sees fit to show me.
It is still a very hard step being solo in life for the moment due to all those years of habits and comforts. Being uncomfortable and having patience is the most challenging habits I am having to learn to get used to. Yet with each new day, whatever it may bring, I see a step forward. It is still really hard and a struggle on some days where I slip backward but I have to learn baby steps. I am learning self-love is not vanity, it is knowing God’s value and seeing each fold as He sees me. I am learning to have faith in each moment that crosses my path. The light is now starting to outweigh the darkness and happiness are starting to overtake sorrow.
Minimize the negative and maximize the positive. God has never left me during every event of my life and He knows each one of my fears. I don’t know why it has taken me this long but now that I am seeing what real joy is all about, I am giving the wheel to God because I am blind to what He sees. Learn to love yourself for who He wants you to be and you will see the sweetness His joy brings into your own life.
It has taken a little while in my walk of life and experiences to see things clearly. Today, a brother in widowhood had asked how others spouses passed and age. Mind you, most of us get relief from grief to a point when we talk about our spouses. As I, myself was sharing a very minute piece of my journey on this walk, I shared how my husband passed. It hit me right in the gut.
Struck by a car. Wow. Wanting to puke was an understatement of the year. The man I had known most of my life, who never stopped a day in his, stopped. Suddenly and instantly. How did I never see this before? I know I thought it when I said my goodbyes but never hit me like this.
Mind you, I am in no way sad about this because I now realize there was no other way God would have it and That man forever in my heart, will never stop moving to me. I will always smile seeing the memories of him always being active from the time his eyes opened to the time he tried to fight the sleep off. He even moved and talked in his sleep, so you understand when I say never stopped moving.
Here is my point, the pain of losing my other half, my best friend nearly killed me inside to the point living was a chore. But I feel as if I have come full circle to remember him the way I always loved him. I do not see the flaws, I see his rays of light. I see the man I fell in love with and this reality check just confirmed it in my soul.
When you have a peace inside of the fact your spouse will live forever in your heart, walking around hurting for them is always there. Sometimes the band-aids get ripped off quicker and the pain does not last as long as it used to. In fact, sometimes it shows a new view of the facts. Nonetheless, I still felt his arms hugging me as that thought of his instant stopping point in this life had made its way through my complete being. His smile entered my mind and all my sadness was replaced with warmth and joys. My proof that happiness does truly come from within. After all, this fellow widower stated “it is a story of overcoming obstacles”, you know what, he is right.
Have you ever had one of those I completely messed up on this move moment? I have and I am realizing this close to the two-year mark. I look back and wonder what was I thinking. I had what I wanted in my hands and I pushed it away for one of the biggest lessons in life. What I did not want. So now what? What does one do to see if that mess up is going to be a life long lesson because I was too late or will I get an opportunity to search this soul for the deeper meaning than the depths I already swim in? Please don’t let the answer be that I am too late.
Here is a connection which was real. I only know this because if it was not why would we still be in contact with each other? Maybe I am looking at it through the wrong eyes, or maybe my subconscious was saving his image of me from the self-destruction I put myself through in the span of time between times of our visual contact. I was in a very dark place in my life. And depression sucked me in as if I were a sour drop. Except this was fast and furious off the charts. The damage had occurred when things could not be turned around and I only have myself to blame.
I had so much inside, I didn’t know what to do but find a victim to hide behind. I can only be happy his soul was not scratched by this. Sharing bits of my pain was about all I was going to show. He didn’t deserve more pain than he was already enduring, besides he had dependents that needed a strong father. But now. Oh, now I am in such a better place in life. I have begun living months ago. Happiness has resurfaced and I feel the peace within. It’s walking alone and wondering if those feeling I get when I see his name on my phone are actually what I think they are.
How do I go forward when I could have had this all along? How do I show I can be on my own with no dependency for my happiness sake. Tell me when does this part begin. Here is where learning patience takes a toll on me. I have never been one for patience and it has become even thinner as I have gotten older. When I get something deep down I want the suddenness to be instant but love knows no limits and I have to hold fast. The step of being happy alone will only strengthen a tie that started that night I saw him walk towards me. Will I be ok if it is nothing more than a friend, absolutely but I have a strong feeling I am not wrong.
So here is where my faith comes into. A request I have never really gone to God for. A gentleman. I decided this is up to my Father. The only one who knows pure joy and happiness and has stuck by my side even when I left Him standing there with His arms wide open. I am learning His timing is not mine and I have to know that life has thrown many obstacles in my way but I’m right here making it. Here I will leave it at a request of please, not too late God.