You Are Now My Angel Eyes

And just like that, you were gone. Words spoken of nothing but hate linger in my mind every day. Stabbing my brain like a jagged edge ripping into every burning thought. I try so hard to forgive myself every second the vial begins to rise but most moments I fail. It is the not knowing if you really knew how much I loved you. How much I will always love you.

Nights like this one, my heart shreds as if it was just as raw as that morning began. Listening to sounds that creep inside my soul to save me from my own drowning noises. At moment, they tend to drag me through the deepest of mud to the shallow sharp findings of rocks. My body sends me the signals when I need to just let go and repair. Eyes swollen of each memory both good and bad, trace my face like puddles of ponds keeping score, 10 steps forward, a million falls back. And here is where I sit for hours, fighting inside to eliminate all the hurt I know I caused. Skipping back over those with the scenes of complete joy in each other. Here follow all those dreams

Dreams of a new chapter within our lives. The chapters that continue to grow even when you are not here. The me then, is no longer here either. I allow the light to shine down on me but it is never a permanent fixture. The depths of this pain seeps through with a vengeance. Then I fall right back to the morning my new life began. Right to the moment, those words fell out without holding on. The moment the air in my lungs never returned again. A time when I never saw me again. I left with you. Every dream we cherished flew away with the life we had. That Moment.jpg

I see them sometimes. They come as little glimmers when I look into our grandchildren’s eyes. There are the moments of hope which begins to ignite inside of me. Surrounded by our children and watching their lives turn into beautiful works of art, flying high and growing strong. Each of them gives me the gift of you. A light in the seconds of deep drownings I tend to trip into. They hold me together more than I ever tell them.  Even not within the space, I swallow into, I look at snapshots and there is your eyes, or smile, or grin.  Oh, that grin. It always melted my heart and it still does with the burning memory of the first words you spoke to me.

And there it is again, the hurt, the pain, the tears hanging on to those vile hateful words piercing my spirit. So, as usual, I give in to the tears and lost dreams turned into amazing memories and turn to all the sounds we heard together. Guides me to all your favorites which trigger an event that gets the mind flowing again. Refusing to stop in the moment of despair, I hear the words “Love is all around you”. I believe it because with the next voice I remember our last dance together all because “You never let me go”.

This new way of life I have been given to live is so hard only because most of my life died with you. I only have my mind to carry each second with me. I try hard to not let those hateful things sneak into my thoughts to run over me, but some days I need the release of the pain. I need to remember to follow those tears to the rivers of memories we did create. The dreams may never hold your footsteps but watching you come alive with the actions of our family, little rays of those dreams attach to my heart and I think of you. Even as I sit here, dripping in a world of a moment’s grief, YOU are now my angel eyes!

Dedicated to my late husband: You are always on my mind, the only one for me, your all I need, I’ll never let you go! I love and miss you so much Brian.—-RES

For All The Memories We Made


20160727_165411.jpgA place in time only few will notice. Seems so far away but yet in a familiar backyard. Getting lost and away from it all was so easy and spontaneous. Never wanting to leave is how I felt. So I didn’t.

Happiness came easy here. Surrounded by the peace of time and friends. Laughing, sharing thoughts as well as stories. Now left to memories tucked away only to be seen on a very hard day. Even for just a few days away from society at its finest. Still gave me the much needed time spent with you.  

I can still smell the smoke from the fire pit, overcoming the camp we all held together. Sounds of streams flowing into the lake, the fish swimming for their lives literally. Taking in all the nature which everyday life steals away. Allowing ourselves to be complete again, if only for a while. 

I think everyday steals a part of who we are, losing what we once thought we wanted. Where does our joy go? When do we start to fall for the lies we tell ourselves? When do we find it all over again? I believe these few days brought me back to the real moments in life where everything made sense. Nothing was left to chance but just being. Taking in all the wonders nature has to offer. 

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It is the beauty that surrounds us every day but we refuse to turn our eyes to it. We lose all focus for a step forward in the adult game of life. Killing every joyous fiber we were born with. How do we take it back? Why do we only find these places to hide for just a little while? 

These memories gave me a lifetime of thoughts to hold onto for times when I can not breathe. Times when I think it is just too hard to move forward. Times when I think living is the biggest chore of them all. It’s this special time with you I cling to. Allowing my mind to take me to the peace I once felt inside. The only sounds were your giggles and crickets singing. Sounds of the life you always loved to engulf into. Some days it is hard but I can still recall each of those moments.TheBeautyWithin.jpg

It sad how we can only grasp these moments every now and again. Taking a break from the cold cruel world to actually see such beauty that is surrounding us. A tear can only mask the pain of the memories we never created after this day. But if it is only the memories I have to bank on, then I will take them. I know for a second happiness was in my hands. I was the one who let it fly away. I did not hold tight to what was in front of me. I never allowed it to sink completely in. 

How can we know the view unless we open ourselves to see the truth behind our eyes? Some moments come by surprise, others by sheer design. These moments came because you saw it all. You knew the beauty that needed to be seen. You knew how to breathe in the life others take for granted. You tried to guide me by pulling as hard as you could even when I hated it. You pushed. I gave in this once. Once, a memory forever cherished. 

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As I stated, not many will know this place as only a few have seen it. But for those who have will understand the dynamic held within her grasp. I learned a lot in the few short days I spent amongst the trees of life. Created bonds I never knew existed. Sites I will never forget even if I truly wanted to. But I do not. Actually, this is a place I never want to share with anyone else except for those who were there. The very few who knew you as well. Those are the ones who seen the beauty you held deep down. The connection with nature at her finest.

20160727_165402If only for a moment I get to hold these memories close. Keeping it only for our view. Allowing the very few you let into your life. The place you found beautiful. The place you allowed yourself to shine. I see you within these trees, the scenery that keeps you alive. I notice the little things you always knew. I smell the heartiness of nature when the wind blows my way. I hear your laughter with every gust of wind from a wing of a bird makes. It is my memory I keep tucked away. These are our moments I carry with me. If only for a moment I see our beauty. 

These photos are from a very special place in the backyard of a friends property. I had the privilege to camp in this area with my late husband. I forgot what it meant to take in the sights. He did not. He saw all the beauty of the world around him and left no stone unturned. If for only a few days, I got the gift of seeing his view. What a marvelous view it is. Little did I realize, this would be my only time walking amongst this area as a wife, now I walk it a widow. 

Stop every now and again and take in your surroundings. Life does not have to be push and shove all the time. The beauty is out there for us to grab. Take a chance and jump into nature, you never know the memories you will make. 

(I dedicate these photos and blog to my late husband, whom I will love and miss for the rest of my life. He knew beauty at its finest and never feared the next step in life. Here is to all your eyes had to tell Brian, forever in my soul!)

It Can Happen To You

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You never see it coming. The pieces begin to fall. It all started with one phone call. Get up, it’s dad was all I heard that morning. Just getting home from work, I was exhausted. I thought my cell phone ringing again from the same number was just an “oops, sorry I forgot to tell you”. But far from it. 

The car ride felt like a million years had gone by. Replaying in my mind the words my daughter spoke. Call this person, make sure that person knows. In the midst of my fears, she took charge and made sure each child knew what was going on. All the while, I was begging for it not to be so. 

Walking in, I knew. It was too late. The man I married twice was gone. My entire life fell to pieces in one moment. One very long moment. Looking at his lifeless body, I could hardly breathe. This was a journey I did not sign up to take. I touched his cold lips, yearning for a smile to appear. Nothing. The man full of life barely stopped moving even in his sleep was lifeless. How, why, please no. This was the first and only time I had seen him still. This was the moment, half of me was gone. 

I have seen widows, been around widows and never thought I would become one. Just as each of us who are married thinks. We will grow old and die together, hand and hand. So not true. It is a big lie. Just about as big a lie as time heals all wounds. Nope, this one scabs over time and time again. The skin never reforms. 

A year flew by like an instant. Life, as my husband used to say, does not care that your lost your loved one, it continues and doesn’t care. I had seen this with my own two eyes, it pushed right through as if it were a freight train with a destination and a deadline. I stayed locked in my own cave unless I was ok for a second. Dealing with my own mind, trying to sort out the reasons. The answers were always just out of reach. But one day, I got a feel for it. 

I touched it. I crawled back to the land of the living. But by my own terms. To this day, I can shut down like a home without electricity. Closed off, void in the big world. Yet I try. It is the hardest battle I have ever endured. I know I will fight all the break down urges day in and day out. It coping, learning the new you. Seeing how small of a fish you truly are in the vast sea of urchins. 

I have made many strides since disastrous day. A lot of growing and redirecting. Even though I try my best to look for the positive in each moment, I still have to catch myself when a glimmer of hurt tries to get in my eye. I could not imagine a pain feeling any worse. I really hope I never do. I see unneeded pain every day in others. I wish I could give them my eyes for just one moment to see what it looks like from my perspective. Maybe that marriage could grow stronger, or that spouse would appreciate the other more. 

I do not know what tomorrow will bring me, but I do know time can change everything in a split of a second. Then and only then, will each of us understand the importance of the other, unless you listen to others advice. Don’t wait until it is too late and your words get lost forever. The only description I can give to that type of pain is I completely understand how someone could die from a broken heart. 

Love does not get buried with your lost loved one, a marriage might end at that point but the bond of love lives on. I used to say it will never happen to me, then it did. I am a lot better than I was 3 1/2 years ago, but I will never be the same as I was then. That part of my heart will always be locked away with only memories to share, guarded by the vows of love we made to each other on both of those days. Cherish them while they are here. After all, we are all just gifts to last only a short time. 

RES

Dig Deep

Love, a word, an action, a feeling, meanings are endless. But can we really love one parent more than the other? One child more than the other? A friend from many others? I am not sure this is possible. How about you? Has this ever crossed your mind and cause you to deeply think about it? What was the outcome?

I feel this is not true. My answer lays within each individual. Each person is so unique. To love one more than the other, those two or more would have to be exactly the same. So even within the later of the two, I would still say it is false. Still confused or unable to understand my thoughts I will elaborate.

I will take me as a child, looking to both my parents. I watch their behaviors, how they carry themselves. How they relate to others. Subconsciencely, we develop a mixed of their outcomes. So we go to a mother for the nurturing, emotional side depending on our hurt. Like breaking up with our first boyfriend/girlfriend. Mom will make our hearts feel better. Whereas we go to a father when our ego gets bruised. Dad will tell us step by step how to deal with that pain and move forward inside ourselves. More of a physical pain corrected. Dad is strong where mom is weak and visa versa. Yet when we were born, our love for them was exactly the same. Exactly as it is today with their strengths and weaknesses in play. 

Now, children. Whole new ball game. I will use myself here, I have five children. Obviously, my first born is when I learned the new love. A love, only other parents understand. It is unexplainable since you always believed love is love. Well next born, I felt a growth within the part of my heart that opened within the birth of the first born. And so on and so on. As all my five grew thru the many stages of life to now, my love is still equal to each of them. Is my relationship different with each, yes. Within this thought, remember strength versus weakness is in play again, except I am now the parent. Each child would go to their appropriate parent concerning their own issues. 

This leads each of us to grandchildren. Guess what, a new love forms a new spot in our hearts. But this love resembles the having a child love, tied together with parenting love. Here you will be your grandchild strength and weakness as well. Yet depending on how the grandchild seems to be closer to, they will go to their comfort level grandparent. On the outside, I am sure if looks, eyesight level, like that grandchild loves one grandparent more than the other. Not true, So many factors are in play here. They will share with one, mutual interest while sharing with the other, their same interest. So, my opinion still states love level is equal. 

I will end with the friendship one. Again, this is my opinion or the way I interpret levels of love. I have very few close friends to which some will call best friends. I love them all equally due to our mutual interest. Perhaps one needs to vent about their personal issues. Yet another joke with you all day long. To me, this place in my heart of love has so many strings off of it due to different levels of friendship.  Your string began when the common core of the relationship develops. I say this because yes, we all have a friendship with some that are exactly as it states, friends. These are those we love but their string does not grow because we do not have very many common interests. So these people are friends on our outer wall of our world. Seriously if we say they are an acquaintance, well the fact is they are the, “hi, how are you people”. And as we are to love each other, that is their little piece of our heart, where even those we do not love live. These are still the same love based on the level you are in others friendship ties.

I believe the only being ever to get the highest level of love is Jesus Christ. Yet, not one of us alive will ever feel His love for us. I believe Gods love is equal to each of us because we are His children. I believe a parent can understand His frustration with us, as with our own children. For me, I am filled with so much love that it is overwhelming the thought of Gods love for me. So much so that tears of happiness would not begin to justify that feeling. If you have never thought of this feeling, give it a try. Maybe give your opinion on it. Maybe you will understand my side of it too. It is fascinating how deep the mind can be.

RES