Seems life likes to take twists and turns all without warning. Leaving a wake of hurt and torment in its path of destruction. But on the other side is the pure bliss of serenity. Reaching down deep enough, nothing short of pure utter joy can be connected.
I know each experience I have crawled through has pushed every fiber of my being to almost extinction. Thinking I was all alone. Not one soul could understand the pits of hell laying beneath the fake smile, I had never adorned before. Showing emotions I would never show just any family member, let alone a stranger. Yet there I was drowning in the sess pool of wretched horror, watching what I thought was my life; Severed! I could not hear the words forming to my hearing because my mind stopped at that very moment I saw the doctor coming towards me. Thoughts of peace flew away as I fell deep inside myself.
Suffering in silence is exactly what I began. I would not allow others to see how weak I had become. I tried so hard to run away from the pain and discomfort. I had never wanted to be surrounded by other humans as much as I needed it right then. The quiet was stabbing realizing this is where you are. Nothing can turn back the clocks, change the outcome, nor give the aggressive language back. In this spot is right where I belonged.
Of course, I have learned to walk forward. Jumping other major hurdles. Landing on my butt more times than I care to admit. Long talks with my Saviour to try my hardest to understand most of the why’s. Even most of them have strings of wonder hanging from them. So I learned my way of maneuvering through this new found chapter. It’s a major rough draft, which I am positive will never fully be completed. I am ok with that, as for now.
Despite the pain so bad, I understood how the tin man felt. Except, I did not want my heart. It had taken time and walking through fires and hills, finally grasping serenity can only come from within. Time for its release. Surrender to the calmness climbing the walls of my heart and soul and push forward. A daily message I must listen to.
With time, patience and positive strides to allow the serenity to be exposed. Freeing my spirit to gather all the encouraging lights, filling my life with every step. I do stumble most of the time, but stronger as I rise up. Showing the advancement of change to keep up with the path coming to my feet. A light is shining so very bright as rays kiss through the dark corners. It is a sweet release I have begun to feel.
Time does not heal all wounds, sometimes it is learning to look at a different clock and readjust my mind to get past the mountain. I understand not one day will be the same as another. Potholes will form, but it does not mean I have to wallow in the puddle. I learned to jump, splash, smile and move forward. My journey may have been and continue to be full of hard times but my final episode turns out as planned. My serenity is embedded deep within.
I am amazed the difference 24 hours makes. The deep dark walk I was falling into is what set my spiraling cycle in motion. My fear from the past few years experiences was blocking my future and happiness. I have been so terrified of losing all over again. Yes, dealing with death has washed over me and began to control my wants for tearing down my walls and letting him in. Instead, I started planting vines across any weak spots, stopping his love of lightness coming in. I thought hiding within myself I would be able to handle any need to get closer. This was an epic fail. It was just about the end. That was just as terrifying. I was beside myself. At this point, I realized every word, harsh look, stupid actions along with screaming was utterly and completely my fault.
I spent the time in my head alone, where I tried so hard to figure out why I was causing such pain to a man who has shown me how much he loves me with just a look. Brought me back to the day we met face to face. I can watch it on replay and still learn another reason he is incredible to me. From our first day of over 10 hours talking, we had a connection. Crazy how even then the silence gave way to a connection. Not a normal in a new romance. But we had no problems sitting in the depths of it. A gift not many get to share, strong pulling towards each other. So what really was I going to lose?
Of course, before I lose him like my past has shown, I will just push him out of my heart and life before it happens, blocking my heart. I would be losing the one that takes pictures of me sleeping to share on social media. Yes, at first it bothered me because honestly what woman wants the world to she that view of her, not one. Then it hit me, he loves me so much to show the internet world his woman at her most horrible looking self. That my friend is love. But I could lose him if something happens and then I would be walking through the sickening dark draining tunnel. So I want to hold back myself, I can not let him all the way in. This is my demise. I was killing us before I realized it.
Letting all my frustrations of fear out was murdering every thought of love he had for me and I did not care, I was pressing the button for this atom bomb. If I continued on this track of despair, I will be alone and not just the moment but until my last day. I need to let him in and show him how much he is embedded into my soul. Tell him my fears and why I feel as if I would never live through another stab in my heart from this life if I lost him. As the words began to flow out of my heart and onto his soul, I felt the release of the dark clouds holding charge of my future. They dissipated with each breath. The tears help guide the storms out of site and allowed the presence of sweet healing. Releasing the apologies to which I know actions need to be visibly seen to truly believe all the words I speak. I felt him forgiving me at each second passing. For the first time since our love began, I felt our unconditional attachment of hearts. I have finally let him in my world.
I never allowed him to see my true slashes of pain that allowed the bleeding to drive my fears. He is seeing the complete me. Looking into those eyes of the bluest depths, was the vision of our love. Not perfect, not even 100% whole, but so perfectly fitting of our broken pieces being to mend. Melting my heart, making me think it is about time you get out of your head and into your heart.
I know life in a relationship is never going to be true bliss and perfection on every isle, that is just never going to happen. But now he sees all of me, my fears, pain and all the ugliness that comes with my soul yet allowing my love to glide right inside his heart for safe keeping. If there is one thing I have learned in the recent past is I am still here and very much alive. I need love just as any other and being lucky enough to literally find it again in such an awesome form of this man, is a very wondrous blessing.
Today, waking up to see his face tugged my heart strings. I realize life will knock us down in different walks we face, it’s the standing up and fighting back which will give you true comfort. I learned long ago never to take life off the cuff, no guarantees of coming moments. So, I am going to take every second in this love and give it my all because we deserve to be happy, together and completely openly in love.
Words of vomit spilled over into your world when all you gave me was unconditional love. Always looking at me with soft and gentle favor. I took it in one second and crushed us. Funny how the taste of it makes me want to die.
I have always pushed away those who love me the most especially during moments of anger and disappointment. I am sure I blew up the mothership now. If only I could turn back time and reverse the damage I have caused you. I see how my sharpened words have destroyed your soul. Passing each other as if our home was a business and we are complete strangers. It is killing me because I do not know how to fix it. Hell, I have been shattered most of my life. Now I am seeing my actions slamming my heart into turmoil.
Where do I begin? How do I show you I do love you completely and that I was so wrong? I hate seeing the loathing I have created in someone so caring and loving. Leaving nothing but darkness in your wake. I know it is my dissecting of your heart causing this huge hole where love used to be. I can tell when you look at me the pain setting deep in your soul and I am so terrified love will never be allowed to return.
I understand the reasoning for my walls around my heart but I do not understand why I allow such hate to arise when love was all I was given. Fear of losing you has created a blockage even rushing water of a tsunami could not break. My past has overcome my future in horrendous ways which may bring my fears of forever alone to life. Creating such a discomforting atmosphere brings a twist to my gut and tears to my eyes because my actions proved I can only hate as strong as you can love.
How can I love someone when I limit the love in myself to grow? How can I find the words to mend your broken heart and never damage it again? I am not sure I will ever find the words to prove it. I pray this will heal and I can show you how dynamic you are in my life. I want to show you how much you are valued and how much of an asset you are to my heart. Will the day come where forgiveness takes over, healing all the damage that has been done?
At this moment, nothing looks like it will ever be fixed. So as I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes, heart in pieces and thoughts of never being in your loving arms again, I will hold on to the moments where everything was perfect between us. Hoping in the near future we will be us again. I want to be the changed woman who you are so happy to come home to. The woman you want to have on your arm in every location in life. If this is an impossible due to the damage I have caused, then I hope and pray you find the love of your life who never damages the look you share. Love is the true perfection your look gives at least until I stole it and stomped it into the ground unburied but totally humiliated.
For all the damage I have caused, sorry is not big enough to gather and correct. Actions instead of words are what I need to perfect, hopefully showing you all the value you bring to my life. Until then, no matter the outcome, I will strive to complete within myself. Maybe, just maybe these actions will show you I can show you all the love you deserve and more. But for now, all I can say is, I am so very deeply and truly sorry for every hurtful, damaging, self-harming, undeserving spews of evil I allowed to flow into your heart.
I have managed to completely destroy every person I come into contact with. It doesn’t matter what they do, I always screw it up.
Being in a state of turmoil for years has had my brain bound by needles of pain. I build up walls to keep others out but it only lets my wounds fester. I soon show how much hate has erupted inside and it flows like burning hot lava to all those who love me. Creating a mess no one should have to clean up.
I thought my walls were tightly closed but that does not matter. It spills out anyways. Nothing like stomping on the hand that feeds your heart. Giving the pain away to someone who has only enhanced your life but I want to make them bleed. I push so hard the other way when they run I try to fix it. This time maybe just the perpetual icing on the nastiest of vomit cakes ever.
For years I have known of this mess I am in, I have welcomed it with open arms and been stung every time. But I do not listen to the screaming sirens telling me to stop. I just burrow down and hold on for the ride of here is your piece of not me. I do so much damage, I kill any reflection of peace and love right in front of my face. I do not know how to jump off this carousel of hate.
I am not brand new to life of hurt and pain. A widow for over 3 years and losing a boyfriend to suicide has taught me unimaginable issues I grip too with all I have. The problem is I have let it all take over. I have managed to take any love my way and smack it down with fear and pain. Will this ever deepening pain stop controlling my every thought?
A man so different from my functions of life has loved me from day one. Of course, he makes me happy but do I show it, hell no. Instead, I look for any imperfections I do not like, also linked to past issues, and crush every idea of helping him see his worth without those needs. I mean seriously. He is living with the 7 dwarfs of psychotics of my unbreathable crutch. Somehow I expect his life to be different while I am flying high on a downward spiral. Demanding truth when all he sees is the wild contradiction I portray.
How do I fix this nasty beast inside my mind and evict it for good? How do I fix the brokenness I have caused to someone whose heart is so awesome? Letting out such anger and hurt. Sitting in my own filth because I can not get past the negative growth in my own brain. Functioning day today on the what-ifs of my life instead of look in front of you and see the happiness waiting with open arms. Maybe this smack in the face is a wake-up call that being alone is all I will ever get.
I sit here not knowing what to say or do to prove he is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. He has loved me in my darkest moments of tearing him down along with my self-loathing hate. I am frightened by the sound of my own thoughts and I expect him to suck them up without question. Showing him all my hate instead of how happy he really makes me. Proving my words are only just air.
I do not know where it will go from here but I know I may have just lost the one who loves me unconditionally. If that is the case so be it. I brought it on myself. For the moment, I pray God will break me down so low, the only thing I would be able to see is the light He has given me. Maybe I can show the man I do love with all my heart and soul, the woman he deserves to be with. If not, I hope and pray he does find someone worth his love because no matter what I have said or done to damage it, his love is the real deal.
Starting out in school, typing was actually a very fun class for me. Learning how to use a typewriter for different looks or margin lines, lists that could go on and on. Once having mastered that task, it was onto the next phase of typing, welcome to the world of computers. Yes, it was a welcome because at this time you had to use DOS, not the internet. Yet I started stepping up the brick pavement to aim me towards the here and now.
A turning point where thoughts along with fingertips and keyboards collide. Just when you think you have the new, updated edition of whatever social site has, they go and change it again. For instance, Skype. I have a really good use with this particular connection to the cyber world of seeing you face to face, while an ocean flows between us. Had not used this for about two years now, to my surprise, having to find someone for a job offer put my brain in full motion. Gave me a redeeming ah-ha moment.
You see, here is the thought, once you think you know it all. Start to finish, beginning to the end that it, complete, finito. Guess what, WRONG. I was separated from my mind for a long period of time. Just over two years ago, I started to explore and allow words to flow out and it has not stopped. So not wanting to write every word, every moment I wanted to write. My fingers hit the keys. I have been on fire ever since. With my toes now beginning to submerge into a full on the writing career, my brain is soaking in every depth defying moment of learning. I can feel the curves and twist forming in my head. Such a rush. Such an amazing feeling of unique accomplishments.
The career market is only just under a two-month mark for me, but I have learned so much doing research articles or reviews for different schools to reviews for different companies or software. I feel so emotional when I write because this has been a passion I divorced before my 20s. Now that I have remarried this love, so rich and fulfilling, I am going to enjoy every single mind changing moment and I will have every word within my grasp to showcase each milestone. Such an exquisite portfolio I must say, but after all, I am partial.
I feel so much yet not enough to let go
Allow me to show you what is deep within
A sight unseen, no words to describe
Only showing bits at a time to never fully exposing me
Here’s a glimpse into my real world
A world untouched waiting for your hand
Wanting and yearning for if only a moment with you
Giving you my complete all
Will this change you or will it change me
How can we ever know unless we try
Living within a distance wide enough for oceans length
Yet here you are deep inside of my heart
Never allowing anyone but you to see
My walls protect what is truly mine
Locking away each word, memory or thought
Will there ever be a complete start
Timing is always wrong
Will I be able to always hold on
Does not matter what anyone thinks
It is not them who makes me whole
When your key unlocks that part
Tell me what you see inside my heart
Have you ever had the feeling to do something just out of the blue and the next thing you know it leads you to something totally off subject? I have. Lately, in more ways than one. Bringing tears to my eyes, I can feel His love pouring into me. No, I am not reading the bible or in church service or even on top of “Christian standards”. But I know without a shadow of a doubt, It is God!
I know I have hit the bottom of the barrel when it comes to falling into the well of depression. Some days, I wallow around like it’s a full blown jacuzzi. I find comfort in my dark place at times but I forget, it is not a vacation. Little things will jolt me back into reality and slap the blessing photos of my life bullseye on the spot of where I was planning to hang my hat. As it begins to sparkle and shine like children do I reach for it. I follow it right up to the spot where God puts His loving hands right on my head and tells me, “Come, my child, do my works”.
In the midst of it all happening, I do not see it because I am still growing. Yeah, I know I am a middle aged woman but I will always be a child to my Father. He has to pull me in close sometimes. Others, He allows me to wonder. Just like human parents watch their children grow and each stage giving them room to wonder, making choices. Who do you think perfected the parenting job? God Himself.
Sometimes His sweet voice reaches through a conversation between me and one of my blessings from Him. I will be giving my loving guidance or pep talk or just down to earth chat. Once in a while, His words start to flow like water out and into the open. Creating a peace both of us will need at the precise moment. Such a sweet feeling. It is like I looked into the eyes of each of my babies right after they were born. That feeling is as close as I can describe.
Other times, He steps right in and takes over the conversation because His word needs to be heard immediately. I never understand this situation until I am knee deep in it. Tears falling down my cheeks. I feel the release of Gods meaning coming through. I felt His power connecting on a level I am not sure I have utilized before. But then again every time God uses you for His glory is a very complete specialized occasion.
How very special it is just to know you are never, ever alone. I know, I have been in a room filled with all my family and felt so alone. God never left my side, He may have stood back and allowed me to think I was alone, He never left.
I do not know why now all of a sudden I am feeling His wondrous love, but I had long forgotten how pure and freeing this feeling is. God wants to love all of us, right where we are. Do not think you are not good enough. He wants us for us. He wants to mold us from within. I do not know who this is to but someone is going to read this and God is going to touch that sweet, precious heart of yours and you will know it is your Savior, Jesus Christ talking to you. He loves you.