Ever had that feeling in the pit of your stomach that if you had to wait for what you wanted one more second you would explode. You applied for that job and got the interview. Of course, it is at the 4:45 pm slot on Friday afternoon and this is the job of a lifetime. Walking away confident and a firm handshake as you realize there is at the very least two and a half days until you know if the job is yours. Put in a bid on your very first home and you know it is right up on the hour of rejection and you have bitten the last nail off. Or she was so amazing, I can’t believe she said yes, our date is three days away but I want to see her now.Patience, really?

It is a moment in time where you see your future and you can almost touch it but yet it is so out of reach. For me, patience is equivalent to driving in a blizzard. The destination is still too far away even though you know the outcome is very near. Has never been my forte. Especially if it is something I want to know immediately. It is almost like walking through the gray to see if it is black or white. Very hard key to grasping while your whole life seemed to run on that fuel in every aspect of my journey.


So how is this achieved is my next step. I guess looking through it all, I was told once I would never get anywhere with my writings. Well, I had seen black, for a moment. A few days later I turned away and jumped back into it. Patience here is now waiting for the biggest step of my career my words have taken me. A career that is not just a job. This is a new road to not just my writings and words but healing as well as waiting sometimes impatiently for the right moment meant for me. I am realizing it is the fear of moments past trying to push for the immediate effect and I want the patience to make sure it is for life.



Theme Of My Amazing Life

I hear the words of the songs and my heart tears a bit. It is either a memory of times gone by or future dreams of times yet to come. Only a few will hold the presence of the now. That needs to be the sounds taking a hold of my ear. I need those sounds to guide me to the music of life filling the air with inspirations of happiness and love like none have ever felt. A pureness wanting to share with anyone who will listen. Oh, the wind blows and the notes flow across their hearts the way it touches mine.

I have crossed major floods and cleared mountain tops to find that sweet harmony that has brought me right here. Leaving me in a gentleness breeze with constant flowing wonders of which path to venture onto next. Yet it is funny how life will still throw an off tune effect here and there. Sometimes I do drop a tear for the life I had traveled on. The sites I had to endure tied into the joys of occasions that light up my world. Lifetime experiences which line the walls of my heart with rays of songs for each face the memory holds. A strand of blessings connecting the strings to the guitars of my universe. I do hear the drums that beat hard sending sorrow into motion like a hurricane of thoughts but I am soon hearing the sounds of the lights for the times I was blessed with.

In my world and life of music, I find how lost I can get in my own mind. It becomes a walk of different times of my life. I do realize how different this little bit of me is taking in different steps, but I write as I go and in the moment. I see and feel so much through the sound of songs and words to where my heart has learned to take it in and purge it out all at once. It has become a healing vise for me. A way to work through myself. A tool to stay on course, steading and forward because as times in the not so distant past I have failed. I wandered out of my own lines. I took the lead vocals and killed the sound in my own spirit. I broke.

And just like that, the sound was gone. Sending me back onto the path I was supposed to follow. The chorus came on and I heard the familiar sounds I had tucked away for moments where I slip on that slope of destruction, ropes pull tight and the harmonies begin to flow just right once again. The notes of happiness have appeared into my soul as if never left bringing nothing but joys of blessings. There is that smile, that hope, that faith I had long forgotten about. The forgiveness is much deeper when the meaning is found in a note being carried away in the sounds of memories of healing the scars.

Each day and new sound brings me to another level in life. One that is freeing inside and allowing all the inspirational tunes into a view I had never seen quite that way before. Every now and then a whistle will hit the right Soundwave and bring a tear to my eye but the daggers don’t cut as deep as they did before. In fact, they sometimes bring the noise of a giggle deep down making my soul smile so bright. New sounds are beginning to reach those levels and build mini rays of light, a feeling I have a long time relationship with and time to dance under the stars to the theme of my amazing life.


Just Listen

I often wondered what the beauty of sound really was about. Being so many different lyrics can motivate me beyond belief. Funny thing is I did not realize it until the words caused a tear in my heart. The beginning beats would send my emotions into a tailspin. Stopping the bile was very hard to do. Some how these different degrees of life brought me into a different love of music of all kinds.

Words giving me reflections of a better place and time. It is really a mind boggling experience to think you can pull up a memory with just the choice of an artist. The rewind of time sucks me into an experience I had once thought long gone. Now on demand for reflections of how I reached this point in life.

Of course, there are moments the glorious rays were very dim. Those hurt like hell but somehow during the pits of grayness, the lyrics speak volumes. Once I am at the point I need to vent out, it is a matter of which one call pull it off like a bandaid. I turn on the sound, release the fumes.

I know there are so many out there like me. I just wondered when they hit the ah ha moment of seeing the words form into a light of the understanding of that person’s life. Kind of like a biography, yet giving you a maze of emotions to guide your ear for more. Or maybe, just maybe one day, I will feel the song that completes my connection. To me, songs are always pulling on my heart strings. It seems to be which one tugs hardest becomes today’s winner.

It Was You

You were my weakness, my teenager jumping to surface to feel the air on her face. You were my freedom of walking away from the hurt. You were my savior for a never ending rebirth. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I saw you, It was you.

You feed the need deep down inside, my darkness fights to hide. You kept my waves completely savaged,, twisting each grain of mixed emotion. You were the answer to all the desires I had dreamed of, to escape this thing called destiny. You were the moment I should have never turned.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I heard you. It was you.

You kept me holding on along the tides of ropes dragging my heart in shreds. You helped me disconnect to what was screaming without a sound. You were all the wonders of so many years that needed out. You were my reasons to give up and check out. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I smelled you. It was you.

You took the me who needing saving, piercing each bloodline severing all to see what was true. You kept a hold of the me who understood, when to look and when to run or when to stay, paralyzed I felt the need to see it through. You were the captures of moments left to make my own mistakes.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I felt you. It was you.


You helped me connect to parts I tucked away. You were the key to a life I had erased. You were the gather of all the laughs my heart locked away. You were the me I needed before I walked away.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I truly seen you, It was you.

Now, I find the answers to all the questions unexplained. I can hold each tear I cry and feel your name. All my lessons still sting with many new memories I can never change. You were the reason for my escape of damages I could never restate. You added to my heart’s new cage. You were the me from many worlds ago but gave up on faith. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I lost you. It was you.

This me will always see the hidden you behind the face. Me will always thinks of your embrace. Me to understand what you left unsaid. Me taking in the you I was meant to take. Me a better part of the you shining bright.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I loved you. It was you.


The Weakness I Always Hold Inside

Quite a bit circles my mind. I think on ways judgment is called out from us. Yes, all of us. Not only to ourselves but all too often upon others. Blinded by the subject is really a sadness build off that weakness is a part of our ultimate demise. It is our own fears coming into the light of the world but attached to an unknown individual the other emotions inside of us have not grasped onto yet. Leaving the fear all alone. The only option is to throw it on the leech sucking wound of their weakness, to make your own mind justified. Sadly, this repeated circle in our world has become a way of life.

This has created so many evils and darkness floating around. Some had the blessing for grasping the positive emotion very early in life. Making those others feel an early taste of the weakness that will hurt the most. Appearances seem to show strength where those masks which hide such deep hurts from the first open wound. Terms begin to form “you never know what they are going through”. Making each word on the scene. Ready to speak it out but refuse to hear it in. What once was born pure as an emotion could be, learned the differences between you and me. 

Every day each new step stumbles upon another fold of faked smiles and false hopes. Questions arise with each process. Why does this have to be? When will I learn to let go? It takes more than one mind to tie the rope upon the docks. Because within the moment your footing seems so strong, the storms of life come in. Washing away the anchors of life where no holds are attached. Yet once in a lifetime, you meet your other half. 


Weakness retakes its place front and center. Is this the line we had to enter? Taking a step back and looking around. There is the other piece I forgot I had found. Here, hide with me. Together we can determine all of our destiny. Show them exactly where they are supposed to go, it will help us feel higher when we have nowhere to go. How long with this insane enlighten feeling remain? I know the sharp heavy weighed down feeling will meet me again. 

It is a vicious cycle we will witness and join every day. Some will see it and try to correct. Most will clearly use it as its forever host. I am not sure when or where or how this will ever change. I personally have tried every day. Really have I truly, though? I know I am not the only one I know who has had a momentary lapse of reason. Yet I seem to have longer dips in the depths of each tornado of my own mind. Paralyzing the very essence controlling my spirit. I have to remember to look for the ray of light, moment by moment. 

Because of my weakness latching onto others that hooked me so young, my shield of healing has not been allowed in my sight. I hold back the positives to keep me up each day. But I allow just enough to keep my breathing going every single day. Those are my happy spots I look into to crash the tides I hide. I am happy to say I tried it once, that scene or those words will never go away. I may see the edge but I refuse to jump. It is very steep and sharp and begging to be touched. My heart hurts for those who fell into its clutch. The ones who never allowed the positive of a word from a loved one’s touch. 

When the moment comes to never want anyone to feel the hurt, pain, struggles. The gains your mind body and soul have learned becomes a brand new you. Then maybe the words of judgment may shorten every day. At least to those who used to be the ones only in aim. The mirror reflects it back, forcing you to see the pits you can not escape. You realize the damage you created. Then fester in the filth of the world your mind has created. Some can never find that stable ground. Sadly those are the ones who never wanted to be found. Only those who understand and master their major weakness can see. We are normally to close to read the words they give us day to day. I live in this emotions day after day. 


If you happen to be one of my unlucky emotional twins, I apologize for the voices that set within. These moments will teach us our sight is never blind. We have to hold on to the tiny flashes of hope. Those are the anchors holding onto the ropes of our hearts where our joys and happiness keep us afloat. Stop letting our weaknesses to refocus our facts. Maybe if I can show others the change I need inside, those judgment calls will turn into fires of uplifting notes of happiness. What a view that could be. Maybe if we each take one step a day to learn a more positive way, we could make that mental light for others to grow. I want the voices I hear since those who gave into the pits, to be used to help others reaching out for a hand to pull them in. 

It is really hurting deep inside of me. Suicide from anything bully or not is an extremely damaging repair for those who understand but hard for the ones who has always held their hand. Seeing it from both sides, I need for the lights I hold so far inside to guide me to a happiness for me. The only one I can truly change and follow from deep inside. I want my little rays of light to hold its true meaning of hope for others to see I am only as weak as I feel. 




The only way to love is openly.

I am amazed the difference 24 hours makes. The deep dark walk I was falling into is what set my spiraling cycle in motion. My fear from the past few years experiences was blocking my future and happiness. I have been so terrified of losing all over again. Yes, dealing with death has washed over me and began to control my wants for tearing down my walls and letting him in. Instead, I started planting vines across any weak spots, stopping his love of lightness coming in. I thought hiding within myself I would be able to handle any need to get closer. This was an epic fail. It was just about the end. That was just as terrifying. I was beside myself. At this point, I realized every word, harsh look, stupid actions along with screaming was utterly and completely my fault. 

I spent the time in my head alone, where I tried so hard to figure out why I was causing such pain to a man who has shown me how much he loves me with just a look. Brought me back to the day we met face to face. I can watch it on replay and still learn another reason he is incredible to me. From our first day of over 10 hours talking, we had a connection. Crazy how even then the silence gave way to a connection. Not a normal in a new romance. But we had no problems sitting in the depths of it. A gift not many get to share, strong pulling towards each other. So what really was I going to lose?

Of course, before I lose him like my past has shown,  I will just push him out of my heart and life before it happens, blocking my heart. I would be losing the one that takes pictures of me sleeping to share on social media. Yes, at first it bothered me because honestly what woman wants the world to she that view of her, not one. Then it hit me, he loves me so much to show the internet world his woman at her most horrible looking self. That my friend is love. But I could lose him if something happens and then I would be walking through the sickening dark draining tunnel. So I want to hold back myself, I can not let him all the way in. This is my demise. I was killing us before I realized it.

Letting all my frustrations of fear out was murdering every thought of love he had for me and I did not care, I was pressing the button for this atom bomb. If I continued on this track of despair, I will be alone and not just the moment but until my last day. I need to let him in and show him how much he is embedded into my soul. Tell him my fears and why I feel as if I would never live through another stab in my heart from this life if I lost him. As the words began to flow out of my heart and onto his soul, I felt the release of the dark clouds holding charge of my future. They dissipated with each breath. The tears help guide the storms out of site and allowed the presence of sweet healing.  Releasing the apologies to which I know actions need to be visibly seen to truly believe all the words I speak. I felt him forgiving me at each second passing. For the first time since our love began, I felt our unconditional attachment of hearts. I have finally let him in my world. 

I never allowed him to see my true slashes of pain that allowed the bleeding to drive my fears. He is seeing the complete me. Looking into those eyes of the bluest depths, was the vision of our love. Not perfect, not even 100% whole, but so perfectly fitting of our broken pieces being to mend. Melting my heart, making me think it is about time you get out of your head and into your heart. 

I know life in a relationship is never going to be true bliss and perfection on every isle, that is just never going to happen. But now he sees all of me, my fears, pain and all the ugliness that comes with my soul yet allowing my love to glide right inside his heart for safe keeping. If there is one thing I have learned in the recent past is I am still here and very much alive. I need love just as any other and being lucky enough to literally find it again in such an awesome form of this man, is a very wondrous blessing. 

Today, waking up to see his face tugged my heart strings. I realize life will knock us down in different walks we face, it’s the standing up and fighting back which will give you true comfort. I learned long ago never to take life off the cuff, no guarantees of coming moments. So, I am going to take every second in this love and give it my all because we deserve to be happy, together and completely openly in love.