You were my weakness, my teenager jumping to surface to feel the air on her face. You were my freedom of walking away from the hurt. You were my savior for a never ending rebirth.
I believed it was all so very true the very moment I saw you, It was you.
You feed the need deep down inside, my darkness fights to hide. You kept my waves completely savaged,, twisting each grain of mixed emotion. You were the answer to all the desires I had dreamed of, to escape this thing called destiny. You were the moment I should have never turned.
I believed it was all so very true the very moment I heard you. It was you.
You kept me holding on along the tides of ropes dragging my heart in shreds. You helped me disconnect to what was screaming without a sound. You were all the wonders of so many years that needed out. You were my reasons to give up and check out.
I believed it was all so very true the very moment I smelled you. It was you.
You took the me who needing saving, piercing each bloodline severing all to see what was true. You kept a hold of the me who understood, when to look and when to run or when to stay, paralyzed I felt the need to see it through. You were the captures of moments left to make my own mistakes.
I believed it was all so very true the very moment I felt you. It was you.
You helped me connect to parts I tucked away. You were the key to a life I had erased. You were the gather of all the laughs my heart locked away. You were the me I needed before I walked away.
I believed it was all so very true the very moment I truly seen you, It was you.
Now, I find the answers to all the questions unexplained. I can hold each tear I cry and feel your name. All my lessons still sting with many new memories I can never change. You were the reason for my escape of damages I could never restate. You added to my heart’s new cage. You were the me from many worlds ago but gave up on faith.
I believed it was all so very true the very moment I lost you. It was you.
This me will always see the hidden you behind the face. Me will always thinks of your embrace. Me to understand what you left unsaid. Me taking in the you I was meant to take. Me a better part of the you shining bright.
I believed it was all so very true the very moment I loved you. It was you.
Quite a bit circles my mind. I think on ways judgment is called out from us. Yes, all of us. Not only to ourselves but all too often upon others. Blinded by the subject is really a sadness build off that weakness is a part of our ultimate demise. It is our own fears coming into the light of the world but attached to an unknown individual the other emotions inside of us have not grasped onto yet. Leaving the fear all alone. The only option is to throw it on the leech sucking wound of their weakness, to make your own mind justified. Sadly, this repeated circle in our world has become a way of life.
This has created so many evils and darkness floating around. Some had the blessing for grasping the positive emotion very early in life. Making those others feel an early taste of the weakness that will hurt the most. Appearances seem to show strength where those masks which hide such deep hurts from the first open wound. Terms begin to form “you never know what they are going through”. Making each word on the scene. Ready to speak it out but refuse to hear it in. What once was born pure as an emotion could be, learned the differences between you and me.
Every day each new step stumbles upon another fold of faked smiles and false hopes. Questions arise with each process. Why does this have to be? When will I learn to let go? It takes more than one mind to tie the rope upon the docks. Because within the moment your footing seems so strong, the storms of life come in. Washing away the anchors of life where no holds are attached. Yet once in a lifetime, you meet your other half.
Weakness retakes its place front and center. Is this the line we had to enter? Taking a step back and looking around. There is the other piece I forgot I had found. Here, hide with me. Together we can determine all of our destiny. Show them exactly where they are supposed to go, it will help us feel higher when we have nowhere to go. How long with this insane enlighten feeling remain? I know the sharp heavy weighed down feeling will meet me again.
It is a vicious cycle we will witness and join every day. Some will see it and try to correct. Most will clearly use it as its forever host. I am not sure when or where or how this will ever change. I personally have tried every day. Really have I truly, though? I know I am not the only one I know who has had a momentary lapse of reason. Yet I seem to have longer dips in the depths of each tornado of my own mind. Paralyzing the very essence controlling my spirit. I have to remember to look for the ray of light, moment by moment.
Because of my weakness latching onto others that hooked me so young, my shield of healing has not been allowed in my sight. I hold back the positives to keep me up each day. But I allow just enough to keep my breathing going every single day. Those are my happy spots I look into to crash the tides I hide. I am happy to say I tried it once, that scene or those words will never go away. I may see the edge but I refuse to jump. It is very steep and sharp and begging to be touched. My heart hurts for those who fell into its clutch. The ones who never allowed the positive of a word from a loved one’s touch.
When the moment comes to never want anyone to feel the hurt, pain, struggles. The gains your mind body and soul have learned becomes a brand new you. Then maybe the words of judgment may shorten every day. At least to those who used to be the ones only in aim. The mirror reflects it back, forcing you to see the pits you can not escape. You realize the damage you created. Then fester in the filth of the world your mind has created. Some can never find that stable ground. Sadly those are the ones who never wanted to be found. Only those who understand and master their major weakness can see. We are normally to close to read the words they give us day to day. I live in this emotions day after day.
If you happen to be one of my unlucky emotional twins, I apologize for the voices that set within. These moments will teach us our sight is never blind. We have to hold on to the tiny flashes of hope. Those are the anchors holding onto the ropes of our hearts where our joys and happiness keep us afloat. Stop letting our weaknesses to refocus our facts. Maybe if I can show others the change I need inside, those judgment calls will turn into fires of uplifting notes of happiness. What a view that could be. Maybe if we each take one step a day to learn a more positive way, we could make that mental light for others to grow. I want the voices I hear since those who gave into the pits, to be used to help others reaching out for a hand to pull them in.
It is really hurting deep inside of me. Suicide from anything bully or not is an extremely damaging repair for those who understand but hard for the ones who has always held their hand. Seeing it from both sides, I need for the lights I hold so far inside to guide me to a happiness for me. The only one I can truly change and follow from deep inside. I want my little rays of light to hold its true meaning of hope for others to see I am only as weak as I feel.
I have a very creative mind. Sharing was never my strong suite for this introverted person. I had lost my love of writing when life happened. Just over two years ago. The words began to crawl out of my head to an almost ant-like composer of speed. I love the use of play on words. The imagination flowing into every orifice of your mind. Leaving no thought left behind. I have developed a blog using all of my experiences to guide my words. They are very deep in emotional connects to me. So sometimes they appear in poems.
I have become stronger in my writing since my first post. I will continue to grow in my post with every word. I like a challenge in the work field. I work very well under a deadline. I welcome constructive criticism as well as shown a better way. If it helps me grow in my writers walk. Then please help me run.
If you need writings of any kind, I am on the job. Email me with subject “WORK NEEDED”.
I feel so much yet not enough to let go
Allow me to show you what is deep within
A sight unseen, no words to describe
Only showing bits at a time to never fully exposing me
Here’s a glimpse into my real world
A world untouched waiting for your hand
Wanting and yearning for if only a moment with you
Giving you my complete all
Will this change you or will it change me
How can we ever know unless we try
Living within a distance wide enough for oceans length
Yet here you are deep inside of my heart
Never allowing anyone but you to see
My walls protect what is truly mine
Locking away each word, memory or thought
Will there ever be a complete start
Timing is always wrong
Will I be able to always hold on
Does not matter what anyone thinks
It is not them who makes me whole
When your key unlocks that part
Tell me what you see inside my heart
The build up in my mind causes a build up of emotions out of control. Could it be always being strong is becoming my weakness? Maybe the fact my views are shot down the second I start to breathe them out. Every step I have endured have made me who I am today. So why can I not push through it without a battle? Where does the line get crossed?
It’s becoming a daily pattern. Fighting for a dream I have had for so long, trying to get forced back into the hiding it ran out of. Understanding me is so perplexed and yet not one word can bring justice to an angered emotion. Seems explanations are no match for another form of mindless concern. Every moment of a step forward is a major toss backward.
Strong, yes I get it. I have had to be for so long. Now I am cracking to the point even mortar may not hold the bricks in place. Every weakness coming out. Not wanting to repeat my past, yet it is difficult to look for a light when darkness is peeking over. It’s a gloomy sight to see. Locked inside these four walls, afraid for what might transpire.
I can not be the only one who fears the other side of the edge. I can not be the only one who sees a particular date and lay there thinking please just let me blink this away. So hard to live in a world where making the same mistakes over 100 times is just the way of life. I can speak the words out but the sound is off. No one listens anyways. Wheres my next stepping stool?
There it is, the release of a sound pushing you to the break. All those silent thoughts have rolled out in such a different paragraph. Would have rather a punch in the throat, at least outer scars heal. How do you forget a word spoken out of your mind? How do you not personalize others ideas of you? How do you make them see this imperfect being wanting, longing, aching for your view to long for that me?
Begging for the complete exhale of hurt, pain, suffering out and inhaling the depths of the shinings held so close. Wanting to break lose of the ties connected to individual arteries pumping your blood with each thought. When will that revert to a never happen moment? Or is this a craving to a forbidden slice of insanity into much abundance?
The need to be a glimmer I used to dream of has come full circle. Fighting the demise riding on the wings of lust for things never should have opened. A chance, a spark, a minor glance is all I need to understand right now, right here. This will always be who I am.
I want to begin with the words of the Lord on this one.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. love never ends. as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, ESV.) So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 corinthians 13:13, ESV.)
So many different things are going on all around me and yet I feel as if I am frozen in the middle. Many relationships of all kinds are failing because we have become a very prideful world. We want everyone to conform to our ways and never see a different side. this is not what we were intended for. How will all the generations learn love when we can not show it ourselves?
I am sitting here in a vulnerable state. You see, I became a widow just over 3 years ago. I was so funnel focused that I did not see the other side of it. I didn’t see what my faults were. I only saw what wrong was being done to me, at least in my mind. I constantly stated that yes, I love you, but my actions proved otherwise. I thought well I know he loves me and as long as I don’t have to go out of my comfort zone, he can do what he wants. Funny thing is after his passing, everyone said: “he loved you so much, just hated your job”. I hated my job too but I didn’t see the bigger picture. I didn’t give my time or my complete love.
Fast forward to now. I am starring love in the face and still sitting in my old ways. But I am not afraid to tell my children that when your relationship breaks, you need to figure out what you are not doing right and fix it. Ah, hello, anyone home. Such words I speak but blocking them with my ability to ignore.
Last night, during a very pressing moment, I had an epiphany. All the reasons for fights and hurts and shame, I was not giving my full on love. I was blocking anything that I did not want to hear. I have been living in my own world wanting to be loved but not giving back. It is not fair to those on the receiving end. Why do they love and not get it back? Because they know how to love the right way. I want the man I love to feel real love from me. He deserves it. He gives his true love to me freely. Now, since I see my faults, it is time to fix it and show the love God has given to me, back to this man He has blessed me with.
Here is an idea. Look inside yourself for those things you hold so close and refuse to allow anyone else in that space. Take it out and share it. Do not allow the evil in shutting the door to happiness and the fullness of love that God has given to us. There are too many marriages broken and falling apart because our society is such me, me, me world. Be the bigger person, love those who love you, right where they are. Love them for who they are. Stop trying to change them to your ways. You fell into like with them and for whatever reason, you are a couple. Why try to make them you? Let them be who they are. Uplift their strengths and help them in their weaknesses.
I am so preaching to the choir because I have said these words a million times over and I refused to apply them. Well, no more. I am hoping and believing in love and God to change me inside and out for love. We were created in His image to be a light to others and show them the real love He has given. Mend the hurts which have taken up residence in your heart. Allow the love to flow and you will find the hurt will flee and happiness will show.
In a world full of Kardashians, be a Mary.
#poem #poetry #blog