Hear the music playing? Guess my mood?

Don’t you just love the sound of over the top loud music where you are bellowing out to your favorite song, ignoring anyone within the sound of you? Does it not fill your complete being of such comfort to release any minor to any major mood you are swimming in right at that divine moment? Does it give you the control to either stay put digging in deeper or go the opposite and relive all of it at once? I guarantee I am not on a solo here, way more musical moods out there.

Long, long ago as a very young girl, my love for music had already been sown deep down in my soul.  A passion so strong I just knew I was going to be a singing sensation of a lifetime. Then I woke up, shy girls stay quiet, well in front of crowds.  I tend to lock myself in my big size boxes of rooms or vehicles, killing every sound of noise beyond earshot with my mood of choice. And 9 times out of 10 I will be trying my best to over sing that amazing voice of Carrie Underwood. Then I get distracted with either a look of “mmmm could you possibly turn it down so I can breathe?” Or my favorite, those who choose to join in as I refer to my backup singers, knowing fully well they are competing for my spotlight. Not to leave out my favorites were the ones who stood in the background without my knowledge and just listen, melt my heart.

Of course, you can see a little snippet of history there but I have to add I was not always so free ranged in music or so I thought.  I did not realize how deeply rooted the musical choice I made due to where exactly my emotions lay within that very second. Teenage years, I was the loved all the 80’s junky until “Big Hair” took over, then add a boyfriend who is a country boy from Hank Jr.s “Rowdy friends”, who also chose to introduce me to the “Buttermilk Biscuits” world of rap. Yes, I was a bit confused but I felt that twist in my gut when all the different sounds began to tie into emotions. Boy did I start to broaden my horizons. See at that time, I did like my traveling with my aunt music. I mean who doesn’t like Alabama, “ROLL ON”.

Many ages later, some of those same familiar road maps have added a complete 3 generations of musical bliss in every vehicle. Adding to the long list of musical moods such as sounds of “Jack and Diane” with Mellencamp in his “Pink houses” to Gnash declaring the “I Love You, I Hate You” issues coming on board. Traveling necessities include a mandatory sidekick DJ. Unlike my younger days on the road with my aunt, I picked up and raised mine with my daddy’s ways of “it’s loud because I say so”, mentality. I am honored to say I have passed on the torch. 

Now I am in grandparent stage of life where “no, I do not want to build a flipping snowman”. I want to teach you to carry on the tradition of singing your full heart out. I want you to learn to show off your musical moods with pride. Funny how a 2-year-old can pick up on this notion. Little head starts to bob, foot shaking, and he’s off dancing as a little youngin can, and right then I am in grandma love land and we got ballads of Mariah Carey playing in the background. Ok, so I do play a little into their world of Disney’s magical music, I have to show them young a multitude of music genre.

Every life lesson, memory, and experience have a musical memory connected to my heart. It is my stress reliever, mood booster, deep down hardcore let out all the anger bellowing songs I can reach my center core. This sweet release has been my life partner since the first time my papa sang my favorite hymn to date “When sings my soul, my savior God to thee, How great thou art, How great thou art” to the sweet voice of Tim McGraw because truly “The highway don’t care” to Bruno Mars helping Mark Ronson getting everyone to watch the “Uptown Funk” and we are with DJ Snake when he questions”Turn down for what” because there is no such thing as too loud.

At this point of the chorus, I am sure you realize I am a musical mood inclined singer from way back. I do not plan on changing this factor of my soul. By now, those who do not understand, need to grab some tunes and sing because it’s a wave a life you do not want to miss. To all my fellow bellows out there, let’s continue to teach all the array of music genre from past, present, and future to all the generations to come. Because truly without every area of music, sounds would be just plain boring. Sing loud, sing proud and let the musical mood torch carry on.

RES

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The only way to love is openly.

I am amazed the difference 24 hours makes. The deep dark walk I was falling into is what set my spiraling cycle in motion. My fear from the past few years experiences was blocking my future and happiness. I have been so terrified of losing all over again. Yes, dealing with death has washed over me and began to control my wants for tearing down my walls and letting him in. Instead, I started planting vines across any weak spots, stopping his love of lightness coming in. I thought hiding within myself I would be able to handle any need to get closer. This was an epic fail. It was just about the end. That was just as terrifying. I was beside myself. At this point, I realized every word, harsh look, stupid actions along with screaming was utterly and completely my fault. 

I spent the time in my head alone, where I tried so hard to figure out why I was causing such pain to a man who has shown me how much he loves me with just a look. Brought me back to the day we met face to face. I can watch it on replay and still learn another reason he is incredible to me. From our first day of over 10 hours talking, we had a connection. Crazy how even then the silence gave way to a connection. Not a normal in a new romance. But we had no problems sitting in the depths of it. A gift not many get to share, strong pulling towards each other. So what really was I going to lose?

Of course, before I lose him like my past has shown,  I will just push him out of my heart and life before it happens, blocking my heart. I would be losing the one that takes pictures of me sleeping to share on social media. Yes, at first it bothered me because honestly what woman wants the world to she that view of her, not one. Then it hit me, he loves me so much to show the internet world his woman at her most horrible looking self. That my friend is love. But I could lose him if something happens and then I would be walking through the sickening dark draining tunnel. So I want to hold back myself, I can not let him all the way in. This is my demise. I was killing us before I realized it.

Letting all my frustrations of fear out was murdering every thought of love he had for me and I did not care, I was pressing the button for this atom bomb. If I continued on this track of despair, I will be alone and not just the moment but until my last day. I need to let him in and show him how much he is embedded into my soul. Tell him my fears and why I feel as if I would never live through another stab in my heart from this life if I lost him. As the words began to flow out of my heart and onto his soul, I felt the release of the dark clouds holding charge of my future. They dissipated with each breath. The tears help guide the storms out of site and allowed the presence of sweet healing.  Releasing the apologies to which I know actions need to be visibly seen to truly believe all the words I speak. I felt him forgiving me at each second passing. For the first time since our love began, I felt our unconditional attachment of hearts. I have finally let him in my world. 

I never allowed him to see my true slashes of pain that allowed the bleeding to drive my fears. He is seeing the complete me. Looking into those eyes of the bluest depths, was the vision of our love. Not perfect, not even 100% whole, but so perfectly fitting of our broken pieces being to mend. Melting my heart, making me think it is about time you get out of your head and into your heart. 

I know life in a relationship is never going to be true bliss and perfection on every isle, that is just never going to happen. But now he sees all of me, my fears, pain and all the ugliness that comes with my soul yet allowing my love to glide right inside his heart for safe keeping. If there is one thing I have learned in the recent past is I am still here and very much alive. I need love just as any other and being lucky enough to literally find it again in such an awesome form of this man, is a very wondrous blessing. 

Today, waking up to see his face tugged my heart strings. I realize life will knock us down in different walks we face, it’s the standing up and fighting back which will give you true comfort. I learned long ago never to take life off the cuff, no guarantees of coming moments. So, I am going to take every second in this love and give it my all because we deserve to be happy, together and completely openly in love.  

RES

Your unspoken words tell me how bad I hurt you.

Words of vomit spilled over into your world when all you gave me was unconditional love. Always looking at me with soft and gentle favor. I took it in one second and crushed us. Funny how the taste of it makes me want to die.

I have always pushed away those who love me the most especially during moments of anger and disappointment. I am sure I blew up the mothership now. If only I could turn back time and reverse the damage I have caused you. I see how my sharpened words have destroyed your soul. Passing each other as if our home was a business and we are complete strangers. It is killing me because I do not know how to fix it. Hell, I have been shattered most of my life. Now I am seeing my actions slamming my heart into turmoil. 

Where do I begin? How do I show you I do love you completely and that I was so wrong? I hate seeing the loathing I have created in someone so caring and loving. Leaving nothing but darkness in your wake. I know it is my dissecting of your heart causing this huge hole where love used to be. I can tell when you look at me the pain setting deep in your soul and I am so terrified love will never be allowed to return. 

I understand the reasoning for my walls around my heart but I do not understand why I allow such hate to arise when love was all I was given. Fear of losing you has created a blockage even rushing water of a tsunami could not break. My past has overcome my future in horrendous ways which may bring my fears of forever alone to life. Creating such a discomforting atmosphere brings a twist to my gut and tears to my eyes because my actions proved I can only hate as strong as you can love. 

How can I love someone when I limit the love in myself to grow? How can I find the words to mend your broken heart and never damage it again? I am not sure I will ever find the words to prove it. I pray this will heal and I can show you how dynamic you are in my life. I want to show you how much you are valued and how much of an asset you are to my heart. Will the day come where forgiveness takes over, healing all the damage that has been done? 

At this moment, nothing looks like it will ever be fixed. So as I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes, heart in pieces and thoughts of never being in your loving arms again, I will hold on to the moments where everything was perfect between us. Hoping in the near future we will be us again. I want to be the changed woman who you are so happy to come home to. The woman you want to have on your arm in every location in life. If this is an impossible due to the damage I have caused, then I hope and pray you find the love of your life who never damages the look you share. Love is the true perfection your look gives at least until I stole it and stomped it into the ground unburied but totally humiliated. 

For all the damage I have caused, sorry is not big enough to gather and correct. Actions instead of words are what I need to perfect, hopefully showing you all the value you bring to my life. Until then, no matter the outcome, I will strive to complete within myself. Maybe, just maybe these actions will show you I can show you all the love you deserve and more. But for now, all I can say is, I am so very deeply and truly sorry for every hurtful, damaging, self-harming, undeserving spews of evil I allowed to flow into your heart. 

RES

It’s the deafening sound that hurts the most.

I have managed to completely destroy every person I come into contact with. It doesn’t matter what they do, I always screw it up. 

Being in a state of turmoil for years has had my brain bound by needles of pain. I build up walls to keep others out but it only lets my wounds fester. I soon show how much hate has erupted inside and it flows like burning hot lava to all those who love me. Creating a mess no one should have to clean up. 

I thought my walls were tightly closed but that does not matter. It spills out anyways. Nothing like stomping on the hand that feeds your heart. Giving the pain away to someone who has only enhanced your life but I want to make them bleed. I push so hard the other way when they run I try to fix it. This time maybe just the perpetual icing on the nastiest of vomit cakes ever.

For years I have known of this mess I am in, I have welcomed it with open arms and been stung every time. But I do not listen to the screaming sirens telling me to stop. I just burrow down and hold on for the ride of here is your piece of not me. I do so much damage, I kill any reflection of peace and love right in front of my face. I do not know how to jump off this carousel of hate.

I am not brand new to life of hurt and pain. A widow for over 3 years and losing a boyfriend to suicide has taught me unimaginable issues I grip too with all I have. The problem is I have let it all take over. I have managed to take any love my way and smack it down with fear and pain. Will this ever deepening pain stop controlling my every thought?

A man so different from my functions of life has loved me from day one. Of course, he makes me happy but do I show it, hell no. Instead, I look for any imperfections I do not like, also linked to past issues, and crush every idea of helping him see his worth without those needs. I mean seriously. He is living with the 7 dwarfs of psychotics of my unbreathable crutch. Somehow I expect his life to be different while I am flying high on a downward spiral. Demanding truth when all he sees is the wild contradiction I portray. 

How do I fix this nasty beast inside my mind and evict it for good? How do I fix the brokenness I have caused to someone whose heart is so awesome? Letting out such anger and hurt. Sitting in my own filth because I can not get past the negative growth in my own brain. Functioning day today on the what-ifs of my life instead of look in front of you and see the happiness waiting with open arms. Maybe this smack in the face is a wake-up call that being alone is all I will ever get. 

I sit here not knowing what to say or do to prove he is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. He has loved me in my darkest moments of tearing him down along with my self-loathing hate. I am frightened by the sound of my own thoughts and I expect him to suck them up without question. Showing him all my hate instead of how happy he really makes me. Proving my words are only just air. 

I do not know where it will go from here but I know I may have just lost the one who loves me unconditionally. If that is the case so be it. I brought it on myself. For the moment, I pray God will break me down so low, the only thing I would be able to see is the light He has given me. Maybe I can show the man I do love with all my heart and soul, the woman he deserves to be with. If not, I hope and pray he does find someone worth his love because no matter what I have said or done to damage it, his love is the real deal. 

RES

Chelle’s words

I have a very creative mind. Sharing was never my strong suite for this introverted person. I had lost my love of writing when life happened. Just over two years ago. The words began to crawl out of my head to an almost ant-like composer of speed. I love the use of play on words. The imagination flowing into every orifice of your mind. Leaving no thought left behind. I have developed a blog using all of my experiences to guide my words. They are very deep in emotional connects to me. So sometimes they appear in poems.  

I have become stronger in my writing since my first post. I will continue to grow in my post with every word. I like a challenge in the work field. I work very well under a deadline. I welcome constructive criticism as well as shown a better way. If it helps me grow in my writers walk. Then please help me run.

Rocshell71.wordpress.com

Chelle71poems.wordpress.com

If you need writings of any kind, I am on the job.  Email me with subject “WORK NEEDED”.

rocshell71@gmail.com

 

Just say no to Valentine’s Day.

I don’t really do this often, but because of my infamous love of valentines day. here goes.
 
To all you feminist out there, I hope you bought a dozen of the best seat tickets for your man, along with a keg of beer not to mention the best steaks that you cooked on the grill. Oh wait, nevermind I forgot, Valentines is only for the female uplifting.
 
Pick a side, either you want to do it all, then show him how you feel. Or you want to take it all, show how YOU still know how to manipulate.
 
Me, I want my man and me to show our love equally and on every day. Screw Valentines Day. Create a YOU and me day.
 
Hey, this is my view which is my own personal opinion, if you do not agree well that is fine. Love to all the boys and girls.
RES

Through The Storm While Fractured, I Will Rise

I hear the sound of people trying so hard to lead a perfect formation in within their human life. Battered, broken and bruised we tend to seek the fixation of happiness which tends to seep out a very little at a time. Before you know it, the ugliness of depression starts to settle in as an unwelcomed guest.  For most, it becomes a battle trying to find the good to be the good all the while knowing this simple satisfaction will never be.

See, we tend to conjure up this hope of being godly perfect within the world of lost and confusion. Growing up this meant a firm religion was the necessary means to seek out goodness.  Here’s a major crack in that thought process, it does not exist. Contrary to what storytellers of the religious background, have told you. The Holy Creator, God knows we will never be perfect.

Here is another flaw we seem to continue to tell ourselves, we have to clean up our act. Walk a straight fine line, do not fall, ever. This is our only chance to prove to our Heavenly Fathers acceptance. Come on, the only way He will love me is if I am walking perfectly. What a scary thought. I mean seriously. Parents, how many of you take notches out of the love emotion towards your children for every single wrongdoing they do? Think about this weird idea. It is not possible.

So why do you insistent on the whole, I must walk the fine line because this is the only way God knows I am for Him. Formal, organized religion. Makes this Christian cringe inside. Look at the facts, they are written in the same book, these political religion chiefs’ create all these confusing emotions. Which in turn creates all the patching marks of our hearts because we open it up, oops the wrong move. Band-aid it, float up again. It is the never ending circle of damage this part, it’s untouched and another band-aid appears again.

Think back in time, Sunday school for some when you heard all about Jesus. All the different experiences He was walking through. Now, count how many of these humans Jesus gathered into a building to go over reasons why this guideline for this branch of Christians is to follow? Give up…. ZERO.

I’ll give you another brick to throw through all seeing window of must be perfect walking in order for God to want me. Jesus did not go to the so-called perfect walking humans. He went (notice the word) to societies standards lowest of the lows. He did not send a word out to the prostitute to stop her acts of sin and then come to ME. He went and protected her, are you ready for this, the prostitute being stoned, Jesus put up His hands and spoke to the judgemental sinners to stop covering up the stone throwers sins by stoning her. It does not work this way.

Just for clarification, Jesus went to the sin-filled prostitute who was being judged by other sinners and protected her from harm. I am not sure how I can make this any clearer but I am going to try.

I believe we need fellowship to continue to grow the love bond which connects us to our Holy Father. Giving us a stronger hold to bring our unbelieving, falling from faith searching, brothers and sisters back into the area we were created for. I am the church, my word Christian means I have a one on one relationship with Jesus. This also means my gifts from God are different than yours, same goes on and on. So I will have to go out using the tools provided by my Holy Father.

Maybe if others out there like myself will start to have that inner glow feeling of complete and exquisite calming peace which will open your spirit to all the wonders God is showing you. Then, at least for me, and only then will you get your purpose and the worry (a sin) of being “good” for God will be a vanishing thought soon forgotten.

RES

I Knew I Would Find You!!

Starting out in school, typing was actually a very fun class for me. Learning how to use a typewriter for different looks or margin lines, lists that could go on and on. Once having mastered that task, it was onto the next phase of typing, welcome to the world of computers. Yes, it was a welcome because at this time you had to use DOS, not the internet. Yet I started stepping up the brick pavement to aim me towards the here and now. 

A turning point where thoughts along with fingertips and keyboards collide. Just when you think you have the new, updated edition of whatever social site has, they go and change it again. For instance, Skype. I have a really good use with this particular connection to the cyber world of seeing you face to face, while an ocean flows between us. Had not used this for about two years now, to my surprise, having to find someone for a job offer put my brain in full motion.  Gave me a redeeming ah-ha moment. 

You see, here is the thought, once you think you know it all. Start to finish, beginning to the end that it, complete, finito. Guess what, WRONG. I was separated from my mind for a long period of time. Just over two years ago, I started to explore and allow words to flow out and it has not stopped. So not wanting to write every word, every moment I wanted to write. My fingers hit the keys. I have been on fire ever since. With my toes now beginning to submerge into a full on the writing career, my brain is soaking in every depth defying moment of learning.  I can feel the curves and twist forming in my head. Such a rush. Such an amazing feeling of unique accomplishments. 

The career market is only just under a two-month mark for me, but I have learned so much doing research articles or reviews for different schools to reviews for different companies or software. I feel so emotional when I write because this has been a passion I divorced before my 20s. Now that I have remarried this love, so rich and fulfilling, I am going to enjoy every single mind changing moment and I will have every word within my grasp to showcase each milestone. Such an exquisite portfolio I must say, but after all, I am partial. 

Silence, Is It Really Golden?

We have all heard the phrase “silence is golden” at one point in our lives. As children, our parents have told us at the very least to sit down and be quiet. What a major hardship that is. Seriously, you expect me as a child to not say a word. How absurd. Actually, this reminds me of my granddaughter who seems to always want the last word. As we all do sometimes. So is silence really as golden as some say?

Having several children myself, my house has never been silent, even during the sleeping moments. At any given moment, there is a noise creeping up from different crevices of a home, making complete silence non-existent. Well, for most. Here’s the issue with this statement. For those who enjoy their peaceful times alone, normally have background noise to fill the void. Be it a tv or radio or just the pitter patter of animals across a floor. Noise is all around us. 

A couple of times I have experienced this complete silence and believe me, golden is not how I would explain it. I was working in a Cleanroom environment and part of an emergency team set up for the site. An electrical worker happened to make a huge mistake of putting his metal screwdriver on the live feed box. Shut down every noise producing system within the main building of the plant. Dead silence. Being a part of this emergency team, we had to make sure every tunnel of the Cleanroom was cleared out. It is the most depth defying, terrorizing, creepiest non-sound ever.

Granted, that type of silence is not experienced by most people in the world unless maybe you happen to be lucky enough to enter into the eye of a hurricane. It will take you from the scratching sound of trees being whipped one way and rain smashing into every piece of a surface it can find, until the shift. Dead silence. So quiet, your skin begins to crawl. Anyone who has ever had the privilege to go through this knows it only leads to more damaging sounds to come. Nothing can change it and you have to ride out the storm. 

So here are my thoughts on the ever so wonderful phrase. Silence is golden when you are finally alone in your home, while the ability to think through every process to make a grand gesture in life. Raising all your children and finally getting a peace and quiet moments alone that I know every mother has dreamed of. But dead silence is by far golden. 

RES

Look Inside, What Do You See?

I feel so much yet not enough to let go

Allow me to show you what is deep within

A sight unseen, no words to describe

Only showing bits at a time to never fully exposing me

Here’s a glimpse into my real world

A world untouched waiting for your hand

Wanting and yearning for if only a moment with you

Giving you my complete all

Will this change you or will it change me

How can we ever know unless we try

Living within a distance wide enough for oceans length

Yet here you are deep inside of my heart

Never allowing anyone but you to see

My walls protect what is truly mine

Locking away each word, memory or thought

Will there ever be a complete start

Timing is always wrong

Will I be able to always hold on

Does not matter what anyone thinks

It is not them who makes me whole

When your key unlocks that part

Tell me what you see inside my heart

RES