Story Of Overcoming Obstacles

It has taken a little while in my walk of life and experiences to see things clearly. Today, a brother in widowhood had asked how others spouses passed and age. Mind you, most of us get relief from grief to a point when we talk about our spouses. As I, myself was sharing a very minute piece of my journey on this walk, I shared how my husband passed. It hit me right in the gut.

Struck by a car. Wow. Wanting to puke was an understatement of the year. The man I had known most of my life, who never stopped a day in his, stopped. Suddenly and instantly. How did I never see this before? I know I thought it when I said my goodbyes but never hit me like this.

Mind you, I am in no way sad about this because I now realize there was no other way God would have it and That man forever in my heart, will never stop moving to me. I will always smile seeing the memories of him always being active from the time his eyes opened to the time he tried to fight the sleep off. He even moved and talked in his sleep, so you understand when I say never stopped moving.

Here is my point, the pain of losing my other half, my best friend nearly killed me inside to the point living was a chore. But I feel as if I have come full circle to remember him the way I always loved him. I do not see the flaws, I see his rays of light. I see the man I fell in love with and this reality check just confirmed it in my soul.

When you have a peace inside of the fact your spouse will live forever in your heart, walking around hurting for them is always there. Sometimes the band-aids get ripped off quicker and the pain does not last as long as it used to. In fact, sometimes it shows a new view of the facts. Nonetheless, I still felt his arms hugging me as that thought of his instant stopping point in this life had made its way through my complete being. His smile entered my mind and all my sadness was replaced with warmth and joys. My proof that happiness does truly come from within. After all, this fellow widower stated “it is a story of overcoming obstacles”, you know what, he is right.

RES

Please Not Too Late

Have you ever had one of those I completely messed up on this move moment? I have and I am realizing this close to the two-year mark. I look back and wonder what was I thinking. I had what I wanted in my hands and I pushed it away for one of the biggest lessons in life. What I did not want. So now what? What does one do to see if that mess up is going to be a life long lesson because I was too late or will I get an opportunity to search this soul for the deeper meaning than the depths I already swim in? Please don’t let the answer be that I am too late.

Here is a connection which was real. I only know this because if it was not why would we still be in contact with each other? Maybe I am looking at it through the wrong eyes, or maybe my subconscious was saving his image of me from the self-destruction I put myself through in the span of time between times of our visual contact. I was in a very dark place in my life. And depression sucked me in as if I were a sour drop. Except this was fast and furious off the charts. The damage had occurred when things could not be turned around and I only have myself to blame.

I had so much inside, I didn’t know what to do but find a victim to hide behind. I can only be happy his soul was not scratched by this. Sharing bits of my pain was about all I was going to show. He didn’t deserve more pain than he was already enduring, besides he had dependents that needed a strong father. But now. Oh, now I am in such a better place in life. I have begun living months ago. Happiness has resurfaced and I feel the peace within. It’s walking alone and wondering if those feeling I get when I see his name on my phone are actually what I think they are.

How do I go forward when I could have had this all along? How do I show I can be on my own with no dependency for my happiness sake. Tell me when does this part begin. Here is where learning patience takes a toll on me. I have never been one for patience and it has become even thinner as I have gotten older. When I get something deep down I want the suddenness to be instant but love knows no limits and I have to hold fast. The step of being happy alone will only strengthen a tie that started that night I saw him walk towards me. Will I be ok if it is nothing more than a friend, absolutely but I have a strong feeling I am not wrong.

So here is where my faith comes into. A request I have never really gone to God for. A gentleman. I decided this is up to my Father. The only one who knows pure joy and happiness and has stuck by my side even when I left Him standing there with His arms wide open. I am learning His timing is not mine and I have to know that life has thrown many obstacles in my way but I’m right here making it. Here I will leave it at a request of please, not too late God.

RES 

 

Love Is Always Around Me

Sounds of the little voices having such sweet conversations. Their imaginations running wild with nothing but the dirt and water mixing together their potions. Stirring in the dirt from across the yard. Playing ever so sweetly. Helping each other get more and more dirt, as well as helping each other out of the turtle box containing the perfect potion mixture.

Watching my grandchildren run around the yard laughing and playing brings such a smile to my face. In a world where all you see is little ones with technology in their faces, these little ones are using sticks, wood planks, old tool boxes, stones, dirt, water and their imagination to play on their adventures.

You hear the squeak of the little voice who does not speak clearly yelling “you toming back? Sissy tome on.” Sounds of such sweet bliss. Hearing the voice of reason brings a giggle to my spirit. The cuteness of faces caring all the smudges of mud where their hands brushed away the air in her eyes or wiping his nose. I am watching full personalities building up with each word.

I think back to the time mine were that small. Playing outside was mandated with me. Where most had the nice yard, never looked like anyone walked on it, mine was played in. Yes, moments where it was clean up but what I remember was happy memories being made. Imaginations blossoming into minds with artistic compound gathering for later dates.

I am now into generation two of my world, I am blessed to be seeing it all over again in the little eyes that belong to those children. Amongst the life of my constant change, one thing does hold true. Love is always around me. Proof may have started many many years ago, but it grows daily. My yellow brick road seems to have always been paved with dirt. You know what, I am just fine with that.

RES

From The Soul Out

Kind of a funny story… this thing we like to call life sometimes, well just as soon as you begin going left. The rock of a right-hand swing steps right into your path. I have found a new view for the different lessons I decided to swallow the hard way. Every day and anyway I could possibly climb that rock, it never moved until I could see right through it. That seems to be the part where my sword of life demolished the boulder into the dust of joy encircling me. I had found my visions.

 

As a hider of myself, my whole being only connected within the bloodlines of others. It was easy to turn my back on those things I had always feared to face. Moments which had me build walls of nonpiercing metals around my soul, never to see the light of day. I had long forgotten each tormented feeling, I had learned to pick the perfect guidance to focus on. Getting carried away from all my pits of lava which was getting hotter and hotter with each choice. It was the moment I had a vision of all my past mistakes and hidden fears overtaking each blessed future I was so undeserving to even be a part of. I realized those little eyes looking at me, were deserving of so much more.

 

Even many decades in, I thought I knew me very well. I had a huge A-HA lightning bolt flash right through my soul. It was time. All walls fell, my eyes were wide open, my spirit began to sink fast. But, my soul. My soul began to soar so high. I looked back at the moments as each finger points to remember this and don’t forget the huge mistake of that, I realize not one of those fingers matters because it was my lesson. I see the outcome, I walk it second by second. I have decided to look at the positive side of all the hurts changing into stars of a wisdom passed through me. Without each one, my face would be so much different in so many ways. The humbling experiences would not be real, the true happiness would never be found.

 

Yes, the truth is I could have by passed somethings as others show me their views of my trips, by that is just it. Each one, mine. Beyond the control of the only stability within my life completely, I will be me. I will learn how to live again in a joyous way filled with the positivity of learning my own lessons. Allowing the depths of darkness from my mistakes past is no longer valid in my realm of life. As freedom hit every fiber inside, the uncontrolled need to run faded away. Releasing the chains that bound all my torments, which cemented my feet to the ground of sorrow and pain. No longer exist. Forgiveness is working its way through the memory bank of life, replacing the hurt with peace.

 

Peace has become my new favorite. My go to when jaws of past come to call. I promise if you learn to cut all the ties that do bind, you will feel the gentleness of life and all it has to offer. True happiness from the soul out is the true love everyone searches for.

RES

 

Happy, Is Where I Will Be

Noticing life’s purities can flip your mind into another direction faster than lightening. Being stuck in the pits of depressions quicksand can create a mess even outside of your own personal space. It can add the extra beings of others where you believe your freedom is closed into. Only to find the moment you begin to heal from the inside out, all the obstacles pulling you down into the world of turmoil and despair in the shape of false feelings latching upon your spirit. You get the best sword around and release their stronghold.  Finally, your world of negative wonders burst into rays of joy forming sounds of happiness. 

It was definitely a scary step to jump into when I opened up my doors and let years of hurt release from inside myself. Many moons I have allowed the vines of life to corrode the locks shut and swallow any keys around. When all my resources fell away, I had no choice. It was me against myself and the only enemy involved was that middle-aged woman staring back at me. I had to face her head on and forget about all my hiding places. This turn scared me really bad until I heard “You are never alone”. 

Of course learning how to adjust from a house of two or more for over two decades leaving one to endure the morning sun alone has created a sense of oneness deep down. I tried to fight the feeling of moving into my own direction tearing apart anything standing in my path to happiness. Granted, I grabbed everything I could to mask the inevitable outcome but in the end, I had to dive in and hold on for the ride. I do admit the first few days had me reaching for another, fearing the outside view. I became one with my chair. 

The silence was more than golden, it was sweet nectar to my ears. Being able to have a thought and play it out with no distractions was such an invigorating experience I never thought I would enjoy. Yet I am now finding myself longing for the moment I get to talk to myself. Seeing how the blessing which comes my way every chance it can, smiles and runs as if the world were the perfect place between peace and harmony. These blessings I had somehow fought against all this time. Now, I feel the happiness piece by piece in my soul. 

Of course, this is not a finished product due to an overwhelming build of life’s choices needing to get the stamp of completion. I have made the commitment to myself to step aside and allow the forgiveness of me to come through. Many things I had left behind are spreading wings and flying away with each hurt and pain I had trapped. It is now a new time for life to be enjoyed and allow the living side of myself to come out and play. Here I am with the new yet old me changing the destiny others may have seen coming to a new playground of love, joy, and happiness. I am snapping the mental pictures with each taste of the new sound playing upon my heart. It’s my choice and happy is where I will be. 

RES

Right Here Is Where I Am

There comes a point in everyone’s life when everything comes to the front of your life. Causing all things from the past and present to make you see all your fears within one tiny view. The little torments you thought you left behind have now shown up front and center. Surrounded by the helpers of horrors present. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing can stand in their way. Marching forward, all walls blocking their every move crumbles like sands in time which has completely stopped until you realize your “only me” moment has now arrived. 

I have hit that perpetual wall full force with every disgusting artifact I walked away from, is unpacking each terrifying moment piece by horrible piece. I never thought I would have to face myself. I had locked that door many years ago. Long before the words, mommy entered my heart. Each memorable photo was wiped clean, or so I believed. I always found someone to shade me from the arms trying to creep their way into range. Sadly, my final hiding place now watches over me for going on 4 years now.

I tried to run away searching for the easy train to take me far away from the hell I was about to step into. My hell. This running ended with a major hit of torment of a new form taking control of me. I found no shadow to fall into. I had found the black hole. The effects corrupted by this movement almost gave my destiny an abrupt end. Except my past had other plans. I had found myself once again on that magical ride to lose myself in someone else’s world. 

My assignment was not complete and here was a new start in a better form. I can hide away to never see myself again. The magic began and disappeared in about the fasted amounts of speed light could ever endure. Grasping at straws I allowed myself to fall into others and this one very well. This one was different and I could not get my walls to come down but I was going to try. I had to get away. That time ended. I look into the eyes of myself on a much deeper level to where now I am in quicksand and darkness has begun to take over. No self-esteem left and I have hit fight or flight mode. Fight it is.

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I hurt because I now see it is me I have always been battling for so many years. The pain of hurting the one who had my heart from the first sound of hello. The stabbing of my gut telling me what my mind was blocking my darkness from truly seeing which my heart ultimately won. To the nausea of finding me so much more into the negative world to which my life was heading into and I do not know how to stop it. To where I finally sit today knowing I have to face myself. 

I have allowed every single relationship in my life to override me deep down. But each and every relationship has brought the true “me” to look at me eye to eye and know I am her. As I sit alone taking in the silence I so desperately needed but never wanted, I hear the sounds of so many birds talking and singing and just loving every type of weather outside. I find myself gazing upon the wind blowing through each tree leave as to wave at me. Letting me know I am seeing every part. Each new sight pops another glowing bubble of emotion waiting to be set free. Each photo of memories past is starting to take form in lessons meant to be taught. I fill with tears once again.

Tears for the very first disappointments I took on as an infant shamed by someone who helps create my life, knowing I have to forgive this tormented soul to settle my own. Tears of heartache I would never wish upon someone I humanly believe deserves to feel this gut pulling bitterness of losing your spirit with every shovel of dirt dropped on life as you had known for so damn long. Tears of hurting so deep knowing the only person who can make me happy is who I have run from for so long my life actually is in jeopardy as my ultimate consequence. Tears for seeing every damaged part lost in the caves of all the steps I climbed into and yet knowing through every aspect of my world has flipped on it back leaving me right back where I belong. 

Right here is where I am. Holding hands with my inner self because I can not truly love completely without first loving me for exactly who I am. As I begin this step I have removed my names of who I always and forever will be: daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, wife, mom, aunt, in-law, grandmother, widow. I am now in these moments of remembrance and going to restart the me “Rochelle”. Learning to be who I was and am created to be while taking marks off my soul of darkness and turning them point by point into light. 

As I begin unfolding the me of my life, please know that every angle will be taking a turn as I scrape away the pain with guidance only Jesus can provide. The view from the inside will be very difficult to just try to swim through so I will tiptoe foot by foot making sure all processes are washed over with the glow of happiness. I will ultimately wear the crown of inner happiness where the new scene only shines rays of pure, glorious joy. I know then and only then will the hurts of me will heal within the souls of others.

RES

The Weakness I Always Hold Inside

Quite a bit circles my mind. I think on ways judgment is called out from us. Yes, all of us. Not only to ourselves but all too often upon others. Blinded by the subject is really a sadness build off that weakness is a part of our ultimate demise. It is our own fears coming into the light of the world but attached to an unknown individual the other emotions inside of us have not grasped onto yet. Leaving the fear all alone. The only option is to throw it on the leech sucking wound of their weakness, to make your own mind justified. Sadly, this repeated circle in our world has become a way of life.

This has created so many evils and darkness floating around. Some had the blessing for grasping the positive emotion very early in life. Making those others feel an early taste of the weakness that will hurt the most. Appearances seem to show strength where those masks which hide such deep hurts from the first open wound. Terms begin to form “you never know what they are going through”. Making each word on the scene. Ready to speak it out but refuse to hear it in. What once was born pure as an emotion could be, learned the differences between you and me. 

Every day each new step stumbles upon another fold of faked smiles and false hopes. Questions arise with each process. Why does this have to be? When will I learn to let go? It takes more than one mind to tie the rope upon the docks. Because within the moment your footing seems so strong, the storms of life come in. Washing away the anchors of life where no holds are attached. Yet once in a lifetime, you meet your other half. 

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Weakness retakes its place front and center. Is this the line we had to enter? Taking a step back and looking around. There is the other piece I forgot I had found. Here, hide with me. Together we can determine all of our destiny. Show them exactly where they are supposed to go, it will help us feel higher when we have nowhere to go. How long with this insane enlighten feeling remain? I know the sharp heavy weighed down feeling will meet me again. 

It is a vicious cycle we will witness and join every day. Some will see it and try to correct. Most will clearly use it as its forever host. I am not sure when or where or how this will ever change. I personally have tried every day. Really have I truly, though? I know I am not the only one I know who has had a momentary lapse of reason. Yet I seem to have longer dips in the depths of each tornado of my own mind. Paralyzing the very essence controlling my spirit. I have to remember to look for the ray of light, moment by moment. 

Because of my weakness latching onto others that hooked me so young, my shield of healing has not been allowed in my sight. I hold back the positives to keep me up each day. But I allow just enough to keep my breathing going every single day. Those are my happy spots I look into to crash the tides I hide. I am happy to say I tried it once, that scene or those words will never go away. I may see the edge but I refuse to jump. It is very steep and sharp and begging to be touched. My heart hurts for those who fell into its clutch. The ones who never allowed the positive of a word from a loved one’s touch. 

When the moment comes to never want anyone to feel the hurt, pain, struggles. The gains your mind body and soul have learned becomes a brand new you. Then maybe the words of judgment may shorten every day. At least to those who used to be the ones only in aim. The mirror reflects it back, forcing you to see the pits you can not escape. You realize the damage you created. Then fester in the filth of the world your mind has created. Some can never find that stable ground. Sadly those are the ones who never wanted to be found. Only those who understand and master their major weakness can see. We are normally to close to read the words they give us day to day. I live in this emotions day after day. 

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If you happen to be one of my unlucky emotional twins, I apologize for the voices that set within. These moments will teach us our sight is never blind. We have to hold on to the tiny flashes of hope. Those are the anchors holding onto the ropes of our hearts where our joys and happiness keep us afloat. Stop letting our weaknesses to refocus our facts. Maybe if I can show others the change I need inside, those judgment calls will turn into fires of uplifting notes of happiness. What a view that could be. Maybe if we each take one step a day to learn a more positive way, we could make that mental light for others to grow. I want the voices I hear since those who gave into the pits, to be used to help others reaching out for a hand to pull them in. 

It is really hurting deep inside of me. Suicide from anything bully or not is an extremely damaging repair for those who understand but hard for the ones who has always held their hand. Seeing it from both sides, I need for the lights I hold so far inside to guide me to a happiness for me. The only one I can truly change and follow from deep inside. I want my little rays of light to hold its true meaning of hope for others to see I am only as weak as I feel. 

RES

 

 

For All The Memories We Made


20160727_165411.jpgA place in time only few will notice. Seems so far away but yet in a familiar backyard. Getting lost and away from it all was so easy and spontaneous. Never wanting to leave is how I felt. So I didn’t.

Happiness came easy here. Surrounded by the peace of time and friends. Laughing, sharing thoughts as well as stories. Now left to memories tucked away only to be seen on a very hard day. Even for just a few days away from society at its finest. Still gave me the much needed time spent with you.  

I can still smell the smoke from the fire pit, overcoming the camp we all held together. Sounds of streams flowing into the lake, the fish swimming for their lives literally. Taking in all the nature which everyday life steals away. Allowing ourselves to be complete again, if only for a while. 

I think everyday steals a part of who we are, losing what we once thought we wanted. Where does our joy go? When do we start to fall for the lies we tell ourselves? When do we find it all over again? I believe these few days brought me back to the real moments in life where everything made sense. Nothing was left to chance but just being. Taking in all the wonders nature has to offer. 

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It is the beauty that surrounds us every day but we refuse to turn our eyes to it. We lose all focus for a step forward in the adult game of life. Killing every joyous fiber we were born with. How do we take it back? Why do we only find these places to hide for just a little while? 

These memories gave me a lifetime of thoughts to hold onto for times when I can not breathe. Times when I think it is just too hard to move forward. Times when I think living is the biggest chore of them all. It’s this special time with you I cling to. Allowing my mind to take me to the peace I once felt inside. The only sounds were your giggles and crickets singing. Sounds of the life you always loved to engulf into. Some days it is hard but I can still recall each of those moments.TheBeautyWithin.jpg

It sad how we can only grasp these moments every now and again. Taking a break from the cold cruel world to actually see such beauty that is surrounding us. A tear can only mask the pain of the memories we never created after this day. But if it is only the memories I have to bank on, then I will take them. I know for a second happiness was in my hands. I was the one who let it fly away. I did not hold tight to what was in front of me. I never allowed it to sink completely in. 

How can we know the view unless we open ourselves to see the truth behind our eyes? Some moments come by surprise, others by sheer design. These moments came because you saw it all. You knew the beauty that needed to be seen. You knew how to breathe in the life others take for granted. You tried to guide me by pulling as hard as you could even when I hated it. You pushed. I gave in this once. Once, a memory forever cherished. 

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As I stated, not many will know this place as only a few have seen it. But for those who have will understand the dynamic held within her grasp. I learned a lot in the few short days I spent amongst the trees of life. Created bonds I never knew existed. Sites I will never forget even if I truly wanted to. But I do not. Actually, this is a place I never want to share with anyone else except for those who were there. The very few who knew you as well. Those are the ones who seen the beauty you held deep down. The connection with nature at her finest.

20160727_165402If only for a moment I get to hold these memories close. Keeping it only for our view. Allowing the very few you let into your life. The place you found beautiful. The place you allowed yourself to shine. I see you within these trees, the scenery that keeps you alive. I notice the little things you always knew. I smell the heartiness of nature when the wind blows my way. I hear your laughter with every gust of wind from a wing of a bird makes. It is my memory I keep tucked away. These are our moments I carry with me. If only for a moment I see our beauty. 

These photos are from a very special place in the backyard of a friends property. I had the privilege to camp in this area with my late husband. I forgot what it meant to take in the sights. He did not. He saw all the beauty of the world around him and left no stone unturned. If for only a few days, I got the gift of seeing his view. What a marvelous view it is. Little did I realize, this would be my only time walking amongst this area as a wife, now I walk it a widow. 

Stop every now and again and take in your surroundings. Life does not have to be push and shove all the time. The beauty is out there for us to grab. Take a chance and jump into nature, you never know the memories you will make. 

(I dedicate these photos and blog to my late husband, whom I will love and miss for the rest of my life. He knew beauty at its finest and never feared the next step in life. Here is to all your eyes had to tell Brian, forever in my soul!)