Just Like That

And

Just Like That

The words you meant to say can never be voices

Every thought pulls to the moment in time

What ifs begin to pour out begging crys for

Just

One more Moment

Gone

Just Like That

Redst2t

10.18.20

Precious Time

Have you ever stopped to look around at the world and wonder when will it all slow down to take in every second you breathe? If you are anything like me, you can see we live in an “I want it right now, society”. Sadly this holds true for every turn of events in every walk of life. Jobs, houses, cars, relationships. Yes, mainly relationships.

Today meeting someone is right at the tips of our fingers. I will say after being “off the market” for 23 years of my life, this was a scary thought. Depending on your personality, you will meet someone either online, at an event like a bar or trip or whatever the case maybe but how fast did you want to know everything about that person immediately? For me, that feeling came on instantly.

The negative, yet positive feeling lead me into a few rough spots in this life. I decided it was time for me to take a break. Take me time and learn who I am and what I want for my future in every aspect. Lots of tears, digging, laughing and learning later, I found myself, alone. But I was not alone. I see the value of happiness deep down and so I moved forward into trying again mode.

As to my surprise, not, the old familiar feeling was coming around again. So I listened to a different voice and began to hear the words from the person on the other side. Meeting a few with whom many friendships have formed, but this precious time is so different. I can see now why the rush of the need to know instantly, is so much more in-depth and soul-gripping than ever. Well worth the time put in.

RES

Changes Are Blessings

On life’s journey, I have many times where I thought I wanted to check out. As another year ends, I pondered on my life from a full 365 days view. Let me tell you, I am very proud of where I am right now.

You see the beginning of 2017, I was so deep in self-pity, I could not see the fullness of myself because I allowed the clouds to rain down on me. I thought all my of mistakes were my final destination until the moment I realized I either sit in the mess and wallow forever. Or I wake up and learn the lessons and what I am not doing to change them. Life had slapped me in the face. I woke up.

I realized my potential lies in my own belief of who I really am. It was not about who I was or who I wanted to be. It was about being the person who longed to be seen in the face of a world full of negativity. I didn’t want to be conformed to that pain. I wanted to learn how to walk beside the painful situations, grab the hands and pull them into a positive light where despair made hope feel so far away.

This did not come easy. Many storms raged within me and so many tears shed with thoughts of quitting but I was on a determined mindset. I will see these changes as my blessings. Believe me, the transition was not a pleasant one. I had moments where I wanted to retreat but I decided those were the times I had to push harder and stronger.

I reached the top of my hurdle, I found the highlights to keep me red zoning forward. Life was not going to rip me apart anymore. I will have my bumps in the road but I will put it in four-wheel drive, bog down and keep going. I look for the sparkles in my future and realize I am living for the now. I am going to do everything with a positive view.

As the new year has just begun, I feel so happy with how far I have come. Seems like so much time was in pain but to be on the shinier side of things is really helping me see all the blessings I have always had and the new ones who appeared at the right time. I will now view that changes are blessings. Some will be just clearer to see up front, the others will teach me the values.

RES

Yes, You Are Who You Are

Going thru the worst parts of my life has given me more focus since I have reached the other side. What was meant to tear me down and paralyze me, has only enhanced my drive for the challenge. My experiences have made others simply cringe, while others seem to fall about on behalf of me. Their words held tight to my heart, giving me the joy to keep going forward. Yet, there were few who wanted to see me sink into their lives of torment from all the pain they refuse to let go of. This became my determination.

I have had so many hard times during my childhood into my young adult life. I pushed thru all of them, hiding them away from my future. Mostly, I succeeded in the holdings. Until the moment I became a widow. Then all my weaknesses were uncovered for all to see. My raw emotions I had learned to silence began to scream out for attention. This began my spiral to a life so out of control, I never wanted to touch the ground.

I allowed myself to put my self-worth in all the hopelessness and self-mutilation because truly, I hated what I had no choice to become. This ground I could see was nothing more than the black hole I wanted to become. Every pain of any event in my life slapped me so hard across the face. I could not stop the forces it created. Therefore I watched myself spin so far out of control for years. Until the final words pulled the exhausting rope and I found me, hurt broken horrified yet all of me.

You will never be anything more than a piece of shit laborer. Words that pierced into the deadening of my heart so hard, I took charge of everything I had to go through and stopped them from trying to kill me. This words may very well pointless to most and may seem extremely harsh for a lot, I’ll explain. I am a mindful user. I was a labor, yes, but I need to use my mind. These words came from a very hurtful, manipulative person. At that moment my battle began.

I finally felt the bottom ground. I had finally seen the most exquisite ray of light shining up at me as if to say “Yes, you are who you are”. I stepped on the battlefield knowing exactly every sword to fly, every shot to take, every bomb to set off to get to the woman I am complete. I will be whole again. I will become everything I want to be and every piece I was always meant to be. I will cross every line to success and prove to only myself, my value and worth. I am going to be happy inside because I am allowed to be.

Those malice words which were meant shatter me to the point of no return, have been my daggers. Each time I feel the pull-down, I grab a hold of them, changing them to “You can and will become who you are” as the sharp edges begin to bleed them into my soul. On this new playing field, I have stumbled and felt defeated in moments. I would stop to fulfill the pity party in my own mind. Still each morning I would rebegin.

I am finally seeing my world grow each day. New beginnings of many relationships, looking for my real purpose within it. New life goals of dreams from the past and what will be a future excitement full of making them all come true. New stepping stones in life. A career change which I am constantly striving to push myself past my comfort zone because this is the part of life I need. Finally, those words which inflamed the fire back in me has truly shown I am who I am.

 

RES

I Am The Fixer

Have you ever looked inside yourself to see what your true potential is regarding everyone else in your world? During the hardest times, I have tried to find myself. I wondered what is it that makes me tick. What is it I look for in others and why? I will admit, it has been a very traumatic experience due to wanting to feel that happiness which surrounds me at every point in time. So what is really the issue with me?

After a couple of bad relationships, adding a few new friendships, as well as talking to a few who knows me inside and out, I am a fixer. Yes, I finally admit it. I like to fix others. I like to show them the view from my eyes. Help them reach their full potential. Sadly, this had to lead me down roads with trenches so deep, I had slipped into them many times. When I reach up, I find no hand around. I had to decide if this is the world I want to be a part of.

Yes, it is. After a lot of reflecting on what happiness means and the value of real love, I want to see the joy in others where I have helped them overcome the obstacles they view as their ending marks. I want to fill my soul with the mindset of knowing I was a difference that helps them push forward with not a handout, but a hand up. A big piece of the puzzle many passes by every second of their life.

As I look back through my life, I can see I have always been a fixer in some way or form. I had always looked at it as weakness. I felt so miserable watching others find their joy and thinking what about me. When really, I was a big part of their light coming thru. I had seen the value where others only have seen the failures and disappointments. Chalking these people as lost causes. Using the judgment of their mistakes as a final call for a finished life. So not the truth.

You see, when I meet a broken soul, I look for the tiny glimmer of light and attach myself to that point in time. So many times our failures rule our lives and everyone will show you exactly what you are doing wrong, not many are willing to show you what you are worth and what you are doing right. Granted, some are beyond the point and love their despair and refuse to fix the issues, most are not. Those are the ones I seem to find a lot.

So even though I have my times of hurt and darkness, those mini lights are the very moments that bring me to the forefront of what my purpose is in this life. I am learning my happiness is found within myself and helping to fix others in ways no one else would, is the very seed of what real true love is supposed to be. It is being the one true person when the corner smacks them in your face. I am embracing my gifts and finding all the shining stars that have not yet faded.

 RES

Forever My Bestie

I find the word friend is used way too loosely in today’s society. As a woman who has a hard time making new friends due to such selfishness that surrounds me, I have come to realize I could have lost the one true friend I had known pretty much my whole life.

This amazing woman I met at the age of 10. In the neighborhood, there were 4 of us who were always together in some way or another even amongst moving to different cities. But when life happened it seemed as tho I walked away very quickly. Taking on my life and choosing to only view my world in front of me.

At the moment, I was not thinking of the different changes that I would endure. I never gave those memories a forefront in my mind. I have always kept in touch as to keep those who have known me my whole life in a very small loop. Until one day, my world collapsed.

Reaching out, of course, all 3 were very supportive and I reconnected in a way I should not have been surprised had occurred. All the old memories came rushing back and the laughter was still the same. Giving me a true understanding of what a friend really meant.

I do continue to communicate with these childhood friends even though we are states apart. But the one who has known all my ins and outs has stepped right back into the best friend world I had long forgotten. I had missed this for so long without even knowing this woman has always seen the real me.

Of course, I love each one of my close friends very much, but this one holds such a strong connection without judgment of any of my flaws. Each time we talk, whether months apart or just hours, it is a pick up right where we left off moment. As if we know exactly the words of advice we need to hear. From crying to laughing to serious thoughts of what to do and how to get there.

This very beautiful, exquisite woman has walked beside me for so long, I don’t have to say a word and she gets it. She allows me to make my pit stops and fall flat on my face all while holding my hand and encouraging me to get up, dust myself off and move on. She gives me the confidence to see myself in a view I only longed to block. She gives me the strength to stand up straight and fight for what I need in my life, not just the wants.

Her strengths have always been a vision I had always dreamed of because of how many times I had watched her crumble. Her ideas, although maybe hard for me to understand, have always helped me see the other side of my own views. Her life has always been a very strong hold for me to look upon and be very happy in a world that would utterly shatter another.

This is the friendship that had formed so many years ago, even though life happened, I still consider her the best friend I ever have had. I may hold value to those I call my friend but she will always be my go-to girl no matter what issues I am faced with. Even with each of having our own lives and our own circle of friends, I know she has, is and always will be my forever bestie.

 

(I love you always and forever Shell…. MLDY)

 

RES

 

 

 

Being A Lifeline

What is with all the hidden agendas going on in the world today? Is everyone so completely broken where the need to dump their issues onto another takes precedence over being true? I find the fakes outweigh the real nowadays and it is a bit scary and overwhelming. As a teenager, I realized the insincerity of others and chose to make my decisions wisely regarding friendships. As an adult, I am very thankful I did.

Meeting new people has never been an easy task for me and still stands true today. Now as a single woman in a world full of pain, it seems to have only grown worse. But one thing, I can see the mask in front of those who really need just one small ray of hope to help pull them out of their fears. Where most of the time, I would not entertain the thought of any more than just a respectful, nice to meet you and continue on my way.

Seems to me all those who really want to be genuine and happy have been treated like a second rate alien. This only brings the unpleasantness to the surface leaving the true values in the wind. I am learning to see the damage inside and maybe in some small act of kindness, I can help this broken shell find their real place in this world. Listening to the words not spoken between the actions that show great compassion.

I have heard a leopard never changes its spots. Where this may be a very justifiable and true statement, what if the spots were actually rays of sunlight clouded by many of life’s disappointments? I get it, there are so many who have the I am not wrong and will never change. But that leaves behind maybe the one who so long ago got lost and bitter yet looking for a way out.

These are the few I have come across. The ones with whom my heart has told me to stay focused, they have the real value. Maybe hidden and damaged but with the help of someone else can be restored to the pure joy they were always meant to share and truly be. Just the one who has been in the quicksand of their own lives and the rope has always been just a bit out of reach. Against my normal behavior and with my own personal damages, I am finding that rope could be their own saving grace.

So at the end of the day, when all I have done is put to rest. Even with a life of a circle so small a pinpoint doesn’t even fit into it when it comes to letting anyone in my realm, I am taking a few leaps of faith to help the tiny lights to learn they are still very much worth a lifetime of happiness. I know I can not save everyone and most don’t want to be. But to those who have somehow touched my heart, I want to be the lifeline they need with words to show them it will be worth it all but you have to let go of what was and become who you really are.

 

RES

 

Broken Souls

In the midst of a world full of evil and confusion, so many genuine souls get hurt and tormented. The brokenness of those who see nothing wrong with their own actions tends to pour into those who actually care. Which in turn destroys trust, self-esteem, loyalty, and value.

Broken souls fall into their darkness creating a web of lies that hold the truth from the light. Believing if they continue on the track of destruction, they will be able to tarnish the goodness of those they claim to love. Here’s the thing, broken souls do not even love themselves so how can they love anyone else.

Loving a broken soul is one of the most self-sacrificing, heartbreaking, bitter leading acts of love that only leads to confusion and pain. Seeing the light way down maybe a good sign to help them but only if they can grasp a hold of it and reach your hand to help guide them back to the real world.

Sadly, most times that hand gets sucked into the pits of despair and anguish. The cesspool of filth that binds the lies, pain, darkness will always hold them back until they can see their own value. No matter how hard the true one tries, the broken will only see their own hurt and pain. Their actions will show the pain on the outside.

Wanting to help the broken soul is normal but learning this person has to fix themselves is the hardest part. Guidance can only be given if the broken is willing to accept their own pain and fix it. Never give yourself full up for someone never willing to fix themselves. Your real love and value are within yourself. Happiness will only come from deep down. Protect it and the right one will truly show you.

 RES

 

Cracked Sand Does Not Confine Itself To A Lock

I have come to terms with my world as It surrounds me. Taking steps back to look over my mistakes and where I had lost my way. I needed to reach the person I had left in those moments and reconnect with that emotion. I seemed to have dealt with many negative emotions leaving one major one for last.

This one was different. Having suppressed the truth of what needed to be seen, I had locks protecting a part of me, I thought I could control… Well, that was until I had seen the real value behind the meaning of that lock.

Decades, I kept it dusted, polished and even talked to it here and there. Smiled and walked away. Until all the broken pieces fell between each link. The lock was only that, the walls were never built with stones. This was a major turn in my world as I had always dreamed of having.

Once I realized the true lights coming into play, I looked at myself for the value I am worth. Perfection will never be found but happiness can only grow when you own you. All of you. That began my purging moment. A moment of being set free.

A rebeginning in my world where my vision is in line with my joys and blessings in life. I get why we are given our choices and now I do understand why the trials and tribulations give us lessons or deepens our locks. Cracked sand does not confine itself to a lock.

RES

Just Me

 

What would happen if I did open my heart again? Would it be shattered into so many broken pieces that glue would never find the correct edges to fix again? Or would I find the one who would hold the keys for the rest of my life? Terror of the thought due to choices past takes a hold of any thoughts creating any hopes of true happiness with another. The vision looks amazing in my mind, it’s the heart the stops the flow from forming.

Due to chances pass, I may have stepped out of my bounds and set fire to maybe the one chance I had which collapses those shots that come into my mind with the sheer torment of that face. How the shining of the lights kept the charm on. How the words flowed so freely as if years were moving very fast, minutes turned into the quickest glimpse of hope popped away. How are the forms of our worlds supposed to mesh together? It was a major block in my stopping motion.

I want a world where the life of happiness is such a sweet situation that will hold my life in folds of sweet blessings. But I fear so many changes that this major shift holds strong to my changes of refuge. Could it be I am allowing my fears to overkill the life I think I want? Or could it be it really was the wrong timing and person? For the secondary I guess only time will tell. So until then, I will try hard to wait patiently and be the happiest I am as just me.

RES