Yes, You Are Who You Are

Going thru the worst parts of my life has given me more focus since I have reached the other side. What was meant to tear me down and paralyze me, has only enhanced my drive for the challenge. My experiences have made others simply cringe, while others seem to fall about on behalf of me. Their words held tight to my heart, giving me the joy to keep going forward. Yet, there were few who wanted to see me sink into their lives of torment from all the pain they refuse to let go of. This became my determination.

I have had so many hard times during my childhood into my young adult life. I pushed thru all of them, hiding them away from my future. Mostly, I succeeded in the holdings. Until the moment I became a widow. Then all my weaknesses were uncovered for all to see. My raw emotions I had learned to silence began to scream out for attention. This began my spiral to a life so out of control, I never wanted to touch the ground.

I allowed myself to put my self-worth in all the hopelessness and self-mutilation because truly, I hated what I had no choice to become. This ground I could see was nothing more than the black hole I wanted to become. Every pain of any event in my life slapped me so hard across the face. I could not stop the forces it created. Therefore I watched myself spin so far out of control for years. Until the final words pulled the exhausting rope and I found me, hurt broken horrified yet all of me.

You will never be anything more than a piece of shit laborer. Words that pierced into the deadening of my heart so hard, I took charge of everything I had to go through and stopped them from trying to kill me. This words may very well pointless to most and may seem extremely harsh for a lot, I’ll explain. I am a mindful user. I was a labor, yes, but I need to use my mind. These words came from a very hurtful, manipulative person. At that moment my battle began.

I finally felt the bottom ground. I had finally seen the most exquisite ray of light shining up at me as if to say “Yes, you are who you are”. I stepped on the battlefield knowing exactly every sword to fly, every shot to take, every bomb to set off to get to the woman I am complete. I will be whole again. I will become everything I want to be and every piece I was always meant to be. I will cross every line to success and prove to only myself, my value and worth. I am going to be happy inside because I am allowed to be.

Those malice words which were meant shatter me to the point of no return, have been my daggers. Each time I feel the pull-down, I grab a hold of them, changing them to “You can and will become who you are” as the sharp edges begin to bleed them into my soul. On this new playing field, I have stumbled and felt defeated in moments. I would stop to fulfill the pity party in my own mind. Still each morning I would rebegin.

I am finally seeing my world grow each day. New beginnings of many relationships, looking for my real purpose within it. New life goals of dreams from the past and what will be a future excitement full of making them all come true. New stepping stones in life. A career change which I am constantly striving to push myself past my comfort zone because this is the part of life I need. Finally, those words which inflamed the fire back in me has truly shown I am who I am.

 

RES

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I Am The Fixer

Have you ever looked inside yourself to see what your true potential is regarding everyone else in your world? During the hardest times, I have tried to find myself. I wondered what is it that makes me tick. What is it I look for in others and why? I will admit, it has been a very traumatic experience due to wanting to feel that happiness which surrounds me at every point in time. So what is really the issue with me?

After a couple of bad relationships, adding a few new friendships, as well as talking to a few who knows me inside and out, I am a fixer. Yes, I finally admit it. I like to fix others. I like to show them the view from my eyes. Help them reach their full potential. Sadly, this had to lead me down roads with trenches so deep, I had slipped into them many times. When I reach up, I find no hand around. I had to decide if this is the world I want to be a part of.

Yes, it is. After a lot of reflecting on what happiness means and the value of real love, I want to see the joy in others where I have helped them overcome the obstacles they view as their ending marks. I want to fill my soul with the mindset of knowing I was a difference that helps them push forward with not a handout, but a hand up. A big piece of the puzzle many passes by every second of their life.

As I look back through my life, I can see I have always been a fixer in some way or form. I had always looked at it as weakness. I felt so miserable watching others find their joy and thinking what about me. When really, I was a big part of their light coming thru. I had seen the value where others only have seen the failures and disappointments. Chalking these people as lost causes. Using the judgment of their mistakes as a final call for a finished life. So not the truth.

You see, when I meet a broken soul, I look for the tiny glimmer of light and attach myself to that point in time. So many times our failures rule our lives and everyone will show you exactly what you are doing wrong, not many are willing to show you what you are worth and what you are doing right. Granted, some are beyond the point and love their despair and refuse to fix the issues, most are not. Those are the ones I seem to find a lot.

So even though I have my times of hurt and darkness, those mini lights are the very moments that bring me to the forefront of what my purpose is in this life. I am learning my happiness is found within myself and helping to fix others in ways no one else would, is the very seed of what real true love is supposed to be. It is being the one true person when the corner smacks them in your face. I am embracing my gifts and finding all the shining stars that have not yet faded.

 RES

Being A Lifeline

What is with all the hidden agendas going on in the world today? Is everyone so completely broken where the need to dump their issues onto another takes precedence over being true? I find the fakes outweigh the real nowadays and it is a bit scary and overwhelming. As a teenager, I realized the insincerity of others and chose to make my decisions wisely regarding friendships. As an adult, I am very thankful I did.

Meeting new people has never been an easy task for me and still stands true today. Now as a single woman in a world full of pain, it seems to have only grown worse. But one thing, I can see the mask in front of those who really need just one small ray of hope to help pull them out of their fears. Where most of the time, I would not entertain the thought of any more than just a respectful, nice to meet you and continue on my way.

Seems to me all those who really want to be genuine and happy have been treated like a second rate alien. This only brings the unpleasantness to the surface leaving the true values in the wind. I am learning to see the damage inside and maybe in some small act of kindness, I can help this broken shell find their real place in this world. Listening to the words not spoken between the actions that show great compassion.

I have heard a leopard never changes its spots. Where this may be a very justifiable and true statement, what if the spots were actually rays of sunlight clouded by many of life’s disappointments? I get it, there are so many who have the I am not wrong and will never change. But that leaves behind maybe the one who so long ago got lost and bitter yet looking for a way out.

These are the few I have come across. The ones with whom my heart has told me to stay focused, they have the real value. Maybe hidden and damaged but with the help of someone else can be restored to the pure joy they were always meant to share and truly be. Just the one who has been in the quicksand of their own lives and the rope has always been just a bit out of reach. Against my normal behavior and with my own personal damages, I am finding that rope could be their own saving grace.

So at the end of the day, when all I have done is put to rest. Even with a life of a circle so small a pinpoint doesn’t even fit into it when it comes to letting anyone in my realm, I am taking a few leaps of faith to help the tiny lights to learn they are still very much worth a lifetime of happiness. I know I can not save everyone and most don’t want to be. But to those who have somehow touched my heart, I want to be the lifeline they need with words to show them it will be worth it all but you have to let go of what was and become who you really are.

 

RES

 

Broken Souls

In the midst of a world full of evil and confusion, so many genuine souls get hurt and tormented. The brokenness of those who see nothing wrong with their own actions tends to pour into those who actually care. Which in turn destroys trust, self-esteem, loyalty, and value.

Broken souls fall into their darkness creating a web of lies that hold the truth from the light. Believing if they continue on the track of destruction, they will be able to tarnish the goodness of those they claim to love. Here’s the thing, broken souls do not even love themselves so how can they love anyone else.

Loving a broken soul is one of the most self-sacrificing, heartbreaking, bitter leading acts of love that only leads to confusion and pain. Seeing the light way down maybe a good sign to help them but only if they can grasp a hold of it and reach your hand to help guide them back to the real world.

Sadly, most times that hand gets sucked into the pits of despair and anguish. The cesspool of filth that binds the lies, pain, darkness will always hold them back until they can see their own value. No matter how hard the true one tries, the broken will only see their own hurt and pain. Their actions will show the pain on the outside.

Wanting to help the broken soul is normal but learning this person has to fix themselves is the hardest part. Guidance can only be given if the broken is willing to accept their own pain and fix it. Never give yourself full up for someone never willing to fix themselves. Your real love and value are within yourself. Happiness will only come from deep down. Protect it and the right one will truly show you.

 RES

 

Cracked Sand Does Not Confine Itself To A Lock

I have come to terms with my world as It surrounds me. Taking steps back to look over my mistakes and where I had lost my way. I needed to reach the person I had left in those moments and reconnect with that emotion. I seemed to have dealt with many negative emotions leaving one major one for last.

This one was different. Having suppressed the truth of what needed to be seen, I had locks protecting a part of me, I thought I could control… Well, that was until I had seen the real value behind the meaning of that lock.

Decades, I kept it dusted, polished and even talked to it here and there. Smiled and walked away. Until all the broken pieces fell between each link. The lock was only that, the walls were never built with stones. This was a major turn in my world as I had always dreamed of having.

cracked sand.jpg

Once I realized the true lights coming into play, I looked at myself for the value I am worth. Perfection will never be found but happiness can only grow when you own you. All of you. That began my purging moment. A moment of being set free.

A rebeginning in my world where my vision is in line with my joys and blessings in life. I get why we are given our choices and now I do understand why the trials and tribulations give us lessons or deepens our locks. Cracked sand does not confine itself to a lock.

RES

This Too Shall Pass

My whole life, I have always been the person who had very few friends and of those even fewer close. So to even consider a person to be in the tiny close circle in my mind means you know almost every little detail of my life. You have seen each mood of me, depths of almost to the bottom. A site I kept out of view for most that surround me including family members.

These few have surpassed a level many of my friends have never been able to cross into no matter the years of knowing them. I am not as open as many may believe I am. Sadly making the mistake that a friendship would last forever seemed to be evident for one particular person for me. I have known them for over 2 decades and losing a friendship that close and strong shatters my core. I always believed this one would always be but I was proven wrong.

Problem is I allowed myself to be hurt in this situation because I opened way too much and even though a friend is supposed to open up. Come on now, who really believes that. We all only have a few if that, with whom we are really “best” friends with knowing no matter what, thick and thin. Friends for life. But I guess every now and then, a huge hand will slap your face and leave an imprint of the face of that one who you never thought would be that person. I am not that “open” friend to everyone. Despite what anyone thinks.

My family even thinks they have ideas of how much of me they know. Sadly, so many out there have a big misunderstanding of my world but I like it that way. Point being here is if I have told you at one point or time how close you are to me, please understand that statement comes with a very high expectation of your character in my eyes. I carry a sense of pride inside of those with whom knows things about me others only run their mouths creating lies to spread. Of course, I let them. I could care less. It is those I truly care for and let in my world who steps out.

Please do not get me wrong. I totally understand the reasoning to a degree but I also know it will never happen again. I forgive, I will remember all the hours of talks, laughter, tears, smiles, memories we shared but I will always stay clear from this moment on. Friend is a word many uses so freely, I will still choose not to. I will still carry a very strong meaning for each one I have. For me, this too shall pass.

RES

New Season Is Coming

Heres just a piece of what I try to explain so that maybe others will understand what I mean when I say I want to find someone to hang with. Of course at this stage of the game finding “the one” would be sweet but I have faced it. I am not ready for that at all. But I do miss the person sitting across the room with me. Nothing but talking and laughing. Being able to share a moment of the things which is our common interest.

This point in time was not a vision I had put upon my plate. The friends or my extended family I have surrounding me are all a part of my life before my shoe size changed. I have always been a very private person as far as making friends outside of the family. Those I do have are formed on very strong grounds and lots of history. The ones I will call newer are within the last 10 years of my life. I do have a very hard time making them because I like being alone, well to a point.

This is where my husband came in. He brought all my new friends home and finally they were the ones I bonded with. I love each of them so much and cherish every memory created and to come but as I am with all of them, they are with that hang out buddy. Same with my grown children. All have stepped into adulthood in one form or another which makes my heart light up with such joy but it does leave me missing my old days. Usually, those thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I do not make friends easy no matter where I go.

I will admit the new way of meeting others is very convenient but it is also scary as hell. I like to watch others as they are in my view. The way they told to each other, can they hold eye contact. The facial expressions. You really can not do that based on a picture off of a site. I mean come on. It is also very draining because no matter what you are looking for on any site, any gender, or age group, explaining “friends” to what you think are grown individuals who seem to have a completely different view. Exhausting.

I have met a couple of great people and yes, I admit a few who flew out of the coo coo’s nest. The real deal here is I see it. I learned from it and I know exactly where I am right now. So while I talk about things I want to do and how I would love to have that single friend out there I can call up and say “let’s go” with or happens to come over and hang a few days. Because that is the companionship I miss the most. The laughter, the funny language, the crazy stories. All of that type of a connection. I am ready to have many laughing experiences out at a live band, watching a game on tv, movies, going to a party or just simply making each others day with a short text. That is what this single white female is lacking.

So please understand as you are looking across the room at that one who can look right at you no matter where you are, what your status to each other are or even the mode you are in. If you have that one, I don’t have it. I am missing that link. First time in my life, I am seeing the opening for that spot which has been filled for my whole life with someone. Their season has passed and a new season is coming.

 

RES

Patience…,

Ever had that feeling in the pit of your stomach that if you had to wait for what you wanted one more second you would explode. You applied for that job and got the interview. Of course, it is at the 4:45 pm slot on Friday afternoon and this is the job of a lifetime. Walking away confident and a firm handshake as you realize there is at the very least two and a half days until you know if the job is yours. Put in a bid on your very first home and you know it is right up on the hour of rejection and you have bitten the last nail off. Or she was so amazing, I can’t believe she said yes, our date is three days away but I want to see her now.Patience, really?

It is a moment in time where you see your future and you can almost touch it but yet it is so out of reach. For me, patience is equivalent to driving in a blizzard. The destination is still too far away even though you know the outcome is very near. Has never been my forte. Especially if it is something I want to know immediately. It is almost like walking through the gray to see if it is black or white. Very hard key to grasping while your whole life seemed to run on that fuel in every aspect of my journey.

 

So how is this achieved is my next step. I guess looking through it all, I was told once I would never get anywhere with my writings. Well, I had seen black, for a moment. A few days later I turned away and jumped back into it. Patience here is now waiting for the biggest step of my career my words have taken me. A career that is not just a job. This is a new road to not just my writings and words but healing as well as waiting sometimes impatiently for the right moment meant for me. I am realizing it is the fear of moments past trying to push for the immediate effect and I want the patience to make sure it is for life.

RES

Theme Of My Amazing Life

I hear the words of the songs and my heart tears a bit. It is either a memory of times gone by or future dreams of times yet to come. Only a few will hold the presence of the now. That needs to be the sounds taking a hold of my ear. I need those sounds to guide me to the music of life filling the air with inspirations of happiness and love like none have ever felt. A pureness wanting to share with anyone who will listen. Oh, the wind blows and the notes flow across their hearts the way it touches mine.

I have crossed major floods and cleared mountain tops to find that sweet harmony that has brought me right here. Leaving me in a gentleness breeze with constant flowing wonders of which path to venture onto next. Yet it is funny how life will still throw an off tune effect here and there. Sometimes I do drop a tear for the life I had traveled on. The sites I had to endure tied into the joys of occasions that light up my world. Lifetime experiences which line the walls of my heart with rays of songs for each face the memory holds. A strand of blessings connecting the strings to the guitars of my universe. I do hear the drums that beat hard sending sorrow into motion like a hurricane of thoughts but I am soon hearing the sounds of the lights for the times I was blessed with.

In my world and life of music, I find how lost I can get in my own mind. It becomes a walk of different times of my life. I do realize how different this little bit of me is taking in different steps, but I write as I go and in the moment. I see and feel so much through the sound of songs and words to where my heart has learned to take it in and purge it out all at once. It has become a healing vise for me. A way to work through myself. A tool to stay on course, steading and forward because as times in the not so distant past I have failed. I wandered out of my own lines. I took the lead vocals and killed the sound in my own spirit. I broke.

And just like that, the sound was gone. Sending me back onto the path I was supposed to follow. The chorus came on and I heard the familiar sounds I had tucked away for moments where I slip on that slope of destruction, ropes pull tight and the harmonies begin to flow just right once again. The notes of happiness have appeared into my soul as if never left bringing nothing but joys of blessings. There is that smile, that hope, that faith I had long forgotten about. The forgiveness is much deeper when the meaning is found in a note being carried away in the sounds of memories of healing the scars.

Each day and new sound brings me to another level in life. One that is freeing inside and allowing all the inspirational tunes into a view I had never seen quite that way before. Every now and then a whistle will hit the right Soundwave and bring a tear to my eye but the daggers don’t cut as deep as they did before. In fact, they sometimes bring the noise of a giggle deep down making my soul smile so bright. New sounds are beginning to reach those levels and build mini rays of light, a feeling I have a long time relationship with and time to dance under the stars to the theme of my amazing life.

RES

My Worth Is Valuable

Loneliness takes over sometimes and handcuffs my heart to look into areas I do not belong in. I fight with all I have inside because I look back at what I found the past few times I ran with the feelings which were all superficial. Each feeling was of all human wants, not really where I was supposed to be. Ripping parts of my soul as each failed moment would pass by. The bleeding lasted for roughly two and a half years. The damage I thought was my life until my last breath. Thank God, I was wrong on so many levels. I just had to hit the very bottom of the cesspool.

I never really took authority very well. Controlling me was only to a particular point, after that I blocked you. It took me seeing the true colors coming to light when all I could do was look up to realize my worth still has amazing value and I am not settling. Taking back my life was very hard considering I had hidden from my own horrors for close to 46 years. A long time of running to stop dead in their tracks. I have seen the light reaching down for me and to see it was my own hand with Gods smile behind it, was the vision I needed to pull out.

So many times in life I looked for someone to fall into, making all my shattered pieces fade into the dark places and I thought they were gone. It took many to say what they were seeing in me to wake me up to a small position until one particular person revealed sights she had always seen in me for over 35 years. Tears fell so much that night but the clearing of all my storms cleared away. I have seen where I had been, where I was at that moment, and where I wanted to be. Mostly, I felt what God wanted me to feel and His visions come into view as He sees fit to show me.

It is still a very hard step being solo in life for the moment due to all those years of habits and comforts. Being uncomfortable and having patience is the most challenging habits I am having to learn to get used to. Yet with each new day, whatever it may bring, I see a step forward. It is still really hard and a struggle on some days where I slip backward but I have to learn baby steps. I am learning self-love is not vanity, it is knowing God’s value and seeing each fold as He sees me. I am learning to have faith in each moment that crosses my path. The light is now starting to outweigh the darkness and happiness are starting to overtake sorrow.

Minimize the negative and maximize the positive. God has never left me during every event of my life and He knows each one of my fears. I don’t know why it has taken me this long but now that I am seeing what real joy is all about, I am giving the wheel to God because I am blind to what He sees. Learn to love yourself for who He wants you to be and you will see the sweetness His joy brings into your own life.

RES