Right Here Is Where I Am

There comes a point in everyone’s life when everything comes to the front of your life. Causing all things from the past and present to make you see all your fears within one tiny view. The little torments you thought you left behind have now shown up front and center. Surrounded by the helpers of horrors present. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing can stand in their way. Marching forward, all walls blocking their every move crumbles like sands in time which has completely stopped until you realize your “only me” moment has now arrived. 

I have hit that perpetual wall full force with every disgusting artifact I walked away from, is unpacking each terrifying moment piece by horrible piece. I never thought I would have to face myself. I had locked that door many years ago. Long before the words, mommy entered my heart. Each memorable photo was wiped clean, or so I believed. I always found someone to shade me from the arms trying to creep their way into range. Sadly, my final hiding place now watches over me for going on 4 years now.

I tried to run away searching for the easy train to take me far away from the hell I was about to step into. My hell. This running ended with a major hit of torment of a new form taking control of me. I found no shadow to fall into. I had found the black hole. The effects corrupted by this movement almost gave my destiny an abrupt end. Except my past had other plans. I had found myself once again on that magical ride to lose myself in someone else’s world. 

My assignment was not complete and here was a new start in a better form. I can hide away to never see myself again. The magic began and disappeared in about the fasted amounts of speed light could ever endure. Grasping at straws I allowed myself to fall into others and this one very well. This one was different and I could not get my walls to come down but I was going to try. I had to get away. That time ended. I look into the eyes of myself on a much deeper level to where now I am in quicksand and darkness has begun to take over. No self-esteem left and I have hit fight or flight mode. Fight it is.

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I hurt because I now see it is me I have always been battling for so many years. The pain of hurting the one who had my heart from the first sound of hello. The stabbing of my gut telling me what my mind was blocking my darkness from truly seeing which my heart ultimately won. To the nausea of finding me so much more into the negative world to which my life was heading into and I do not know how to stop it. To where I finally sit today knowing I have to face myself. 

I have allowed every single relationship in my life to override me deep down. But each and every relationship has brought the true “me” to look at me eye to eye and know I am her. As I sit alone taking in the silence I so desperately needed but never wanted, I hear the sounds of so many birds talking and singing and just loving every type of weather outside. I find myself gazing upon the wind blowing through each tree leave as to wave at me. Letting me know I am seeing every part. Each new sight pops another glowing bubble of emotion waiting to be set free. Each photo of memories past is starting to take form in lessons meant to be taught. I fill with tears once again.

Tears for the very first disappointments I took on as an infant shamed by someone who helps create my life, knowing I have to forgive this tormented soul to settle my own. Tears of heartache I would never wish upon someone I humanly believe deserves to feel this gut pulling bitterness of losing your spirit with every shovel of dirt dropped on life as you had known for so damn long. Tears of hurting so deep knowing the only person who can make me happy is who I have run from for so long my life actually is in jeopardy as my ultimate consequence. Tears for seeing every damaged part lost in the caves of all the steps I climbed into and yet knowing through every aspect of my world has flipped on it back leaving me right back where I belong. 

Right here is where I am. Holding hands with my inner self because I can not truly love completely without first loving me for exactly who I am. As I begin this step I have removed my names of who I always and forever will be: daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, wife, mom, aunt, in-law, grandmother, widow. I am now in these moments of remembrance and going to restart the me “Rochelle”. Learning to be who I was and am created to be while taking marks off my soul of darkness and turning them point by point into light. 

As I begin unfolding the me of my life, please know that every angle will be taking a turn as I scrape away the pain with guidance only Jesus can provide. The view from the inside will be very difficult to just try to swim through so I will tiptoe foot by foot making sure all processes are washed over with the glow of happiness. I will ultimately wear the crown of inner happiness where the new scene only shines rays of pure, glorious joy. I know then and only then will the hurts of me will heal within the souls of others.

RES

You Are Now My Angel Eyes

And just like that, you were gone. Words spoken of nothing but hate linger in my mind every day. Stabbing my brain like a jagged edge ripping into every burning thought. I try so hard to forgive myself every second the vial begins to rise but most moments I fail. It is the not knowing if you really knew how much I loved you. How much I will always love you.

Nights like this one, my heart shreds as if it was just as raw as that morning began. Listening to sounds that creep inside my soul to save me from my own drowning noises. At moment, they tend to drag me through the deepest of mud to the shallow sharp findings of rocks. My body sends me the signals when I need to just let go and repair. Eyes swollen of each memory both good and bad, trace my face like puddles of ponds keeping score, 10 steps forward, a million falls back. And here is where I sit for hours, fighting inside to eliminate all the hurt I know I caused. Skipping back over those with the scenes of complete joy in each other. Here follow all those dreams

Dreams of a new chapter within our lives. The chapters that continue to grow even when you are not here. The me then, is no longer here either. I allow the light to shine down on me but it is never a permanent fixture. The depths of this pain seeps through with a vengeance. Then I fall right back to the morning my new life began. Right to the moment, those words fell out without holding on. The moment the air in my lungs never returned again. A time when I never saw me again. I left with you. Every dream we cherished flew away with the life we had. That Moment.jpg

I see them sometimes. They come as little glimmers when I look into our grandchildren’s eyes. There are the moments of hope which begins to ignite inside of me. Surrounded by our children and watching their lives turn into beautiful works of art, flying high and growing strong. Each of them gives me the gift of you. A light in the seconds of deep drownings I tend to trip into. They hold me together more than I ever tell them.  Even not within the space, I swallow into, I look at snapshots and there is your eyes, or smile, or grin.  Oh, that grin. It always melted my heart and it still does with the burning memory of the first words you spoke to me.

And there it is again, the hurt, the pain, the tears hanging on to those vile hateful words piercing my spirit. So, as usual, I give in to the tears and lost dreams turned into amazing memories and turn to all the sounds we heard together. Guides me to all your favorites which trigger an event that gets the mind flowing again. Refusing to stop in the moment of despair, I hear the words “Love is all around you”. I believe it because with the next voice I remember our last dance together all because “You never let me go”.

This new way of life I have been given to live is so hard only because most of my life died with you. I only have my mind to carry each second with me. I try hard to not let those hateful things sneak into my thoughts to run over me, but some days I need the release of the pain. I need to remember to follow those tears to the rivers of memories we did create. The dreams may never hold your footsteps but watching you come alive with the actions of our family, little rays of those dreams attach to my heart and I think of you. Even as I sit here, dripping in a world of a moment’s grief, YOU are now my angel eyes!

Dedicated to my late husband: You are always on my mind, the only one for me, your all I need, I’ll never let you go! I love and miss you so much Brian.—-RES

It Was You

You were my weakness, my teenager jumping to surface to feel the air on her face. You were my freedom of walking away from the hurt. You were my savior for a never ending rebirth. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I saw you, It was you.

You feed the need deep down inside, my darkness fights to hide. You kept my waves completely savaged,, twisting each grain of mixed emotion. You were the answer to all the desires I had dreamed of, to escape this thing called destiny. You were the moment I should have never turned.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I heard you. It was you.

You kept me holding on along the tides of ropes dragging my heart in shreds. You helped me disconnect to what was screaming without a sound. You were all the wonders of so many years that needed out. You were my reasons to give up and check out. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I smelled you. It was you.

You took the me who needing saving, piercing each bloodline severing all to see what was true. You kept a hold of the me who understood, when to look and when to run or when to stay, paralyzed I felt the need to see it through. You were the captures of moments left to make my own mistakes.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I felt you. It was you.

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You helped me connect to parts I tucked away. You were the key to a life I had erased. You were the gather of all the laughs my heart locked away. You were the me I needed before I walked away.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I truly seen you, It was you.

Now, I find the answers to all the questions unexplained. I can hold each tear I cry and feel your name. All my lessons still sting with many new memories I can never change. You were the reason for my escape of damages I could never restate. You added to my heart’s new cage. You were the me from many worlds ago but gave up on faith. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I lost you. It was you.

This me will always see the hidden you behind the face. Me will always thinks of your embrace. Me to understand what you left unsaid. Me taking in the you I was meant to take. Me a better part of the you shining bright.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I loved you. It was you.

RES

Widows Walk Alone

I entered this step surrounded by those who tried to understand this world I had just begun to drown in. The world I never wanted to see. A newness of wonders I never planned on happening. I was hit with the frozen moments of despair. A new life as a widow. Completely learning this title from the ground up.

Words flowed out like the water of apologies to acts of uncomfortable tries of sympathy trying to crack thru the out shell I instantly put on full lockdown. Nothing was going to penetrate the vial I was holding onto. The feeling of complete autopilot covering my motions, while the dam is holding back emotions of tidal waves creating the biggest tsunami I had ever felt deep down, darkness took hold. The me I used to know just died along with him. I just left her with him forever.

This was a walk I can play over and over in my mind even 3 and a half years out. Waves of memories still paralyzed my heart, while the forgotten seconds leave my head in a fog. I reached for every place I could hide into. Not letting my surroundings become stale as to force any sign of movement of healing so far out of my way. I thought finding others like me would help. It did, to a point. 

After hearing the all too many cliche’ phrases to kill my spirit which will always last me a lifetime, I found the perfect place to mend my broken spirit where others go who know your name. They get it, they totally understand. Every feeling I wanted to scream, someone else seen it, sprayed it and totally mastered it. The meltdowns felt familiar, the dreams stayed the same. We all could release emotions others seem to think were unacceptable in their safe world. We lent our versions of how to heal from our steps of traveling in this path. 

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I would feel as if no one understood but someone would spill out there’s and yes it did help. But for me, I needed more. I needed someone who walked exactly in my shoes to dig out from the mud pit I began to take up roots in. I wanted it all to heal in my time, in my way. Not hearing suggestions because how could you understand, you see let me not share what I am afraid of, what I am hurting about, what failures I will walk with day by day. But please, tell me how to push it so far down, I stumble into my own self. And suddenly, that wall scarred me with the hottest iron that had ever pierced my soul.

I had made choices others seen as mistakes but they were mine. I had become half a person and trying to find my other half because of most of my living, breathing life, I was always half of 2. That 2 became one. Here I stood “Half”. Searching for a new way to move into the world I could not complete alone, but I can.

I was the widow who had to learn it alone. Yes, the guidance of those who truly understood helped when I chose to listen to the steps they took. I still had to make my own steps sometimes sinkholes to see the lesson my mistake made. The struggles had their moments of telling me who was in control. My need to drive every motive down its own path of destruction smacking in the face of a still growing family with others who lost a part of themselves too. You see that day, not only did I become a widow, I also became the only parent. Big pants to take on all broken and soaking in darkness. 

It has taken some strides and I am sure I will never fully recover because that one strong saying is so not true. Time does NOT heal ALL wounds. This is one I am sure every widow will agree. The scab does crust over, but it never truly heals. Many new occasions, life events, growing pains, and successes will all come and go. With each one that scab will fall off. Opening up the harshness of the reality, you are still the half alone. It does not become the mighty storm of your lifetime but It still forms tornados here and there. Even with every day bringing in a very brand spanking new moment in time, things will grow and new relationships will happen but I will always be the widow who had to do it alone. 

RES