Precious Time

Have you ever stopped to look around at the world and wonder when will it all slow down to take in every second you breathe? If you are anything like me, you can see we live in an “I want it right now, society”. Sadly this holds true for every turn of events in every walk of life. Jobs, houses, cars, relationships. Yes, mainly relationships.

Today meeting someone is right at the tips of our fingers. I will say after being “off the market” for 23 years of my life, this was a scary thought. Depending on your personality, you will meet someone either online, at an event like a bar or trip or whatever the case maybe but how fast did you want to know everything about that person immediately? For me, that feeling came on instantly.

The negative, yet positive feeling lead me into a few rough spots in this life. I decided it was time for me to take a break. Take me time and learn who I am and what I want for my future in every aspect. Lots of tears, digging, laughing and learning later, I found myself, alone. But I was not alone. I see the value of happiness deep down and so I moved forward into trying again mode.

As to my surprise, not, the old familiar feeling was coming around again. So I listened to a different voice and began to hear the words from the person on the other side. Meeting a few with whom many friendships have formed, but this precious time is so different. I can see now why the rush of the need to know instantly, is so much more in-depth and soul-gripping than ever. Well worth the time put in.

RES

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Changes Are Blessings

On life’s journey, I have many times where I thought I wanted to check out. As another year ends, I pondered on my life from a full 365 days view. Let me tell you, I am very proud of where I am right now.

You see the beginning of 2017, I was so deep in self-pity, I could not see the fullness of myself because I allowed the clouds to rain down on me. I thought all my of mistakes were my final destination until the moment I realized I either sit in the mess and wallow forever. Or I wake up and learn the lessons and what I am not doing to change them. Life had slapped me in the face. I woke up.

I realized my potential lies in my own belief of who I really am. It was not about who I was or who I wanted to be. It was about being the person who longed to be seen in the face of a world full of negativity. I didn’t want to be conformed to that pain. I wanted to learn how to walk beside the painful situations, grab the hands and pull them into a positive light where despair made hope feel so far away.

This did not come easy. Many storms raged within me and so many tears shed with thoughts of quitting but I was on a determined mindset. I will see these changes as my blessings. Believe me, the transition was not a pleasant one. I had moments where I wanted to retreat but I decided those were the times I had to push harder and stronger.

I reached the top of my hurdle, I found the highlights to keep me red zoning forward. Life was not going to rip me apart anymore. I will have my bumps in the road but I will put it in four-wheel drive, bog down and keep going. I look for the sparkles in my future and realize I am living for the now. I am going to do everything with a positive view.

As the new year has just begun, I feel so happy with how far I have come. Seems like so much time was in pain but to be on the shinier side of things is really helping me see all the blessings I have always had and the new ones who appeared at the right time. I will now view that changes are blessings. Some will be just clearer to see up front, the others will teach me the values.

RES

I Am The Fixer

Have you ever looked inside yourself to see what your true potential is regarding everyone else in your world? During the hardest times, I have tried to find myself. I wondered what is it that makes me tick. What is it I look for in others and why? I will admit, it has been a very traumatic experience due to wanting to feel that happiness which surrounds me at every point in time. So what is really the issue with me?

After a couple of bad relationships, adding a few new friendships, as well as talking to a few who knows me inside and out, I am a fixer. Yes, I finally admit it. I like to fix others. I like to show them the view from my eyes. Help them reach their full potential. Sadly, this had to lead me down roads with trenches so deep, I had slipped into them many times. When I reach up, I find no hand around. I had to decide if this is the world I want to be a part of.

Yes, it is. After a lot of reflecting on what happiness means and the value of real love, I want to see the joy in others where I have helped them overcome the obstacles they view as their ending marks. I want to fill my soul with the mindset of knowing I was a difference that helps them push forward with not a handout, but a hand up. A big piece of the puzzle many passes by every second of their life.

As I look back through my life, I can see I have always been a fixer in some way or form. I had always looked at it as weakness. I felt so miserable watching others find their joy and thinking what about me. When really, I was a big part of their light coming thru. I had seen the value where others only have seen the failures and disappointments. Chalking these people as lost causes. Using the judgment of their mistakes as a final call for a finished life. So not the truth.

You see, when I meet a broken soul, I look for the tiny glimmer of light and attach myself to that point in time. So many times our failures rule our lives and everyone will show you exactly what you are doing wrong, not many are willing to show you what you are worth and what you are doing right. Granted, some are beyond the point and love their despair and refuse to fix the issues, most are not. Those are the ones I seem to find a lot.

So even though I have my times of hurt and darkness, those mini lights are the very moments that bring me to the forefront of what my purpose is in this life. I am learning my happiness is found within myself and helping to fix others in ways no one else would, is the very seed of what real true love is supposed to be. It is being the one true person when the corner smacks them in your face. I am embracing my gifts and finding all the shining stars that have not yet faded.

 RES

Being A Lifeline

What is with all the hidden agendas going on in the world today? Is everyone so completely broken where the need to dump their issues onto another takes precedence over being true? I find the fakes outweigh the real nowadays and it is a bit scary and overwhelming. As a teenager, I realized the insincerity of others and chose to make my decisions wisely regarding friendships. As an adult, I am very thankful I did.

Meeting new people has never been an easy task for me and still stands true today. Now as a single woman in a world full of pain, it seems to have only grown worse. But one thing, I can see the mask in front of those who really need just one small ray of hope to help pull them out of their fears. Where most of the time, I would not entertain the thought of any more than just a respectful, nice to meet you and continue on my way.

Seems to me all those who really want to be genuine and happy have been treated like a second rate alien. This only brings the unpleasantness to the surface leaving the true values in the wind. I am learning to see the damage inside and maybe in some small act of kindness, I can help this broken shell find their real place in this world. Listening to the words not spoken between the actions that show great compassion.

I have heard a leopard never changes its spots. Where this may be a very justifiable and true statement, what if the spots were actually rays of sunlight clouded by many of life’s disappointments? I get it, there are so many who have the I am not wrong and will never change. But that leaves behind maybe the one who so long ago got lost and bitter yet looking for a way out.

These are the few I have come across. The ones with whom my heart has told me to stay focused, they have the real value. Maybe hidden and damaged but with the help of someone else can be restored to the pure joy they were always meant to share and truly be. Just the one who has been in the quicksand of their own lives and the rope has always been just a bit out of reach. Against my normal behavior and with my own personal damages, I am finding that rope could be their own saving grace.

So at the end of the day, when all I have done is put to rest. Even with a life of a circle so small a pinpoint doesn’t even fit into it when it comes to letting anyone in my realm, I am taking a few leaps of faith to help the tiny lights to learn they are still very much worth a lifetime of happiness. I know I can not save everyone and most don’t want to be. But to those who have somehow touched my heart, I want to be the lifeline they need with words to show them it will be worth it all but you have to let go of what was and become who you really are.

 

RES

 

Just Me

 

What would happen if I did open my heart again? Would it be shattered into so many broken pieces that glue would never find the correct edges to fix again? Or would I find the one who would hold the keys for the rest of my life? Terror of the thought due to choices past takes a hold of any thoughts creating any hopes of true happiness with another. The vision looks amazing in my mind, it’s the heart the stops the flow from forming.

Due to chances pass, I may have stepped out of my bounds and set fire to maybe the one chance I had which collapses those shots that come into my mind with the sheer torment of that face. How the shining of the lights kept the charm on. How the words flowed so freely as if years were moving very fast, minutes turned into the quickest glimpse of hope popped away. How are the forms of our worlds supposed to mesh together? It was a major block in my stopping motion.

I want a world where the life of happiness is such a sweet situation that will hold my life in folds of sweet blessings. But I fear so many changes that this major shift holds strong to my changes of refuge. Could it be I am allowing my fears to overkill the life I think I want? Or could it be it really was the wrong timing and person? For the secondary I guess only time will tell. So until then, I will try hard to wait patiently and be the happiest I am as just me.

RES

Patience…,

Ever had that feeling in the pit of your stomach that if you had to wait for what you wanted one more second you would explode. You applied for that job and got the interview. Of course, it is at the 4:45 pm slot on Friday afternoon and this is the job of a lifetime. Walking away confident and a firm handshake as you realize there is at the very least two and a half days until you know if the job is yours. Put in a bid on your very first home and you know it is right up on the hour of rejection and you have bitten the last nail off. Or she was so amazing, I can’t believe she said yes, our date is three days away but I want to see her now.Patience, really?

It is a moment in time where you see your future and you can almost touch it but yet it is so out of reach. For me, patience is equivalent to driving in a blizzard. The destination is still too far away even though you know the outcome is very near. Has never been my forte. Especially if it is something I want to know immediately. It is almost like walking through the gray to see if it is black or white. Very hard key to grasping while your whole life seemed to run on that fuel in every aspect of my journey.

 

So how is this achieved is my next step. I guess looking through it all, I was told once I would never get anywhere with my writings. Well, I had seen black, for a moment. A few days later I turned away and jumped back into it. Patience here is now waiting for the biggest step of my career my words have taken me. A career that is not just a job. This is a new road to not just my writings and words but healing as well as waiting sometimes impatiently for the right moment meant for me. I am realizing it is the fear of moments past trying to push for the immediate effect and I want the patience to make sure it is for life.

RES