Please Not Too Late

Have you ever had one of those I completely messed up on this move moment? I have and I am realizing this close to the two-year mark. I look back and wonder what was I thinking. I had what I wanted in my hands and I pushed it away for one of the biggest lessons in life. What I did not want. So now what? What does one do to see if that mess up is going to be a life long lesson because I was too late or will I get an opportunity to search this soul for the deeper meaning than the depths I already swim in? Please don’t let the answer be that I am too late.

Here is a connection which was real. I only know this because if it was not why would we still be in contact with each other? Maybe I am looking at it through the wrong eyes, or maybe my subconscious was saving his image of me from the self-destruction I put myself through in the span of time between times of our visual contact. I was in a very dark place in my life. And depression sucked me in as if I were a sour drop. Except this was fast and furious off the charts. The damage had occurred when things could not be turned around and I only have myself to blame.

I had so much inside, I didn’t know what to do but find a victim to hide behind. I can only be happy his soul was not scratched by this. Sharing bits of my pain was about all I was going to show. He didn’t deserve more pain than he was already enduring, besides he had dependents that needed a strong father. But now. Oh, now I am in such a better place in life. I have begun living months ago. Happiness has resurfaced and I feel the peace within. It’s walking alone and wondering if those feeling I get when I see his name on my phone are actually what I think they are.

How do I go forward when I could have had this all along? How do I show I can be on my own with no dependency for my happiness sake. Tell me when does this part begin. Here is where learning patience takes a toll on me. I have never been one for patience and it has become even thinner as I have gotten older. When I get something deep down I want the suddenness to be instant but love knows no limits and I have to hold fast. The step of being happy alone will only strengthen a tie that started that night I saw him walk towards me. Will I be ok if it is nothing more than a friend, absolutely but I have a strong feeling I am not wrong.

So here is where my faith comes into. A request I have never really gone to God for. A gentleman. I decided this is up to my Father. The only one who knows pure joy and happiness and has stuck by my side even when I left Him standing there with His arms wide open. I am learning His timing is not mine and I have to know that life has thrown many obstacles in my way but I’m right here making it. Here I will leave it at a request of please, not too late God.

RES 

 

The Weakness I Always Hold Inside

Quite a bit circles my mind. I think on ways judgment is called out from us. Yes, all of us. Not only to ourselves but all too often upon others. Blinded by the subject is really a sadness build off that weakness is a part of our ultimate demise. It is our own fears coming into the light of the world but attached to an unknown individual the other emotions inside of us have not grasped onto yet. Leaving the fear all alone. The only option is to throw it on the leech sucking wound of their weakness, to make your own mind justified. Sadly, this repeated circle in our world has become a way of life.

This has created so many evils and darkness floating around. Some had the blessing for grasping the positive emotion very early in life. Making those others feel an early taste of the weakness that will hurt the most. Appearances seem to show strength where those masks which hide such deep hurts from the first open wound. Terms begin to form “you never know what they are going through”. Making each word on the scene. Ready to speak it out but refuse to hear it in. What once was born pure as an emotion could be, learned the differences between you and me. 

Every day each new step stumbles upon another fold of faked smiles and false hopes. Questions arise with each process. Why does this have to be? When will I learn to let go? It takes more than one mind to tie the rope upon the docks. Because within the moment your footing seems so strong, the storms of life come in. Washing away the anchors of life where no holds are attached. Yet once in a lifetime, you meet your other half. 

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Weakness retakes its place front and center. Is this the line we had to enter? Taking a step back and looking around. There is the other piece I forgot I had found. Here, hide with me. Together we can determine all of our destiny. Show them exactly where they are supposed to go, it will help us feel higher when we have nowhere to go. How long with this insane enlighten feeling remain? I know the sharp heavy weighed down feeling will meet me again. 

It is a vicious cycle we will witness and join every day. Some will see it and try to correct. Most will clearly use it as its forever host. I am not sure when or where or how this will ever change. I personally have tried every day. Really have I truly, though? I know I am not the only one I know who has had a momentary lapse of reason. Yet I seem to have longer dips in the depths of each tornado of my own mind. Paralyzing the very essence controlling my spirit. I have to remember to look for the ray of light, moment by moment. 

Because of my weakness latching onto others that hooked me so young, my shield of healing has not been allowed in my sight. I hold back the positives to keep me up each day. But I allow just enough to keep my breathing going every single day. Those are my happy spots I look into to crash the tides I hide. I am happy to say I tried it once, that scene or those words will never go away. I may see the edge but I refuse to jump. It is very steep and sharp and begging to be touched. My heart hurts for those who fell into its clutch. The ones who never allowed the positive of a word from a loved one’s touch. 

When the moment comes to never want anyone to feel the hurt, pain, struggles. The gains your mind body and soul have learned becomes a brand new you. Then maybe the words of judgment may shorten every day. At least to those who used to be the ones only in aim. The mirror reflects it back, forcing you to see the pits you can not escape. You realize the damage you created. Then fester in the filth of the world your mind has created. Some can never find that stable ground. Sadly those are the ones who never wanted to be found. Only those who understand and master their major weakness can see. We are normally to close to read the words they give us day to day. I live in this emotions day after day. 

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If you happen to be one of my unlucky emotional twins, I apologize for the voices that set within. These moments will teach us our sight is never blind. We have to hold on to the tiny flashes of hope. Those are the anchors holding onto the ropes of our hearts where our joys and happiness keep us afloat. Stop letting our weaknesses to refocus our facts. Maybe if I can show others the change I need inside, those judgment calls will turn into fires of uplifting notes of happiness. What a view that could be. Maybe if we each take one step a day to learn a more positive way, we could make that mental light for others to grow. I want the voices I hear since those who gave into the pits, to be used to help others reaching out for a hand to pull them in. 

It is really hurting deep inside of me. Suicide from anything bully or not is an extremely damaging repair for those who understand but hard for the ones who has always held their hand. Seeing it from both sides, I need for the lights I hold so far inside to guide me to a happiness for me. The only one I can truly change and follow from deep inside. I want my little rays of light to hold its true meaning of hope for others to see I am only as weak as I feel. 

RES

 

 

Above The Depths Of The Dark Crevasses Is The Light, Latch Onto It.

I noticed how much I have taken for granted. Seems all my life I wondered around thinking how unfortunate others had it, whilst I never suffered those problems. Mother of 6 and not having the emotions other mothers had already achieved. Until it all started to flow downhill, the speed of light could not keep up.

I had my first direct encounter with death in 08. Yes, I had known others some close but far enough away, I could block the major pain. Not this time, it was my papa. Watching him turn from such life, strong filled with happiness and joy every time I saw him. To a very fragile man needing to be cared for with every breath all the way until the end. That was very hard to watch and added a hard knot in my gut which never went away. 

Life took over, a few more passing then bam a major hit took place. My father in law. I knew this day would take a hold of my husband and never let go. Watching this man melt into a pool of tears not knowing where to turn with such pain, I had no idea what to do or say. This was very hard. But nothing had prepared me for the sucker punch coming. The moment I split into two and never returning back.

I had forever been changed because of my life as I knew it was done, chapter closed, no moving forward.  It was a moment in time I replay over and over again. A moment I never imagined would happen, my husband was gone. Looking into this life that never stopped even for a second, lifeless, complete, done and gone. An extreme measure of confusing melted with numbing pain crusted over with anger and hate added to being an explosion no matter who was in front of me. 

The vileness welled up inside of me spilling over when my volcano erupted. Not one person was spared. It took many moons to get to the acceptance stage and then onto trying to heal. Still spewing words of nastiness when the darkness would take over.  I tried to lock myself away from everyone, seeing those days I never thought it could happen to me or my family. I added those visions of shame on my head and allowed them to fester deep. Why did I think I was protected from life’s changes? What made me think I was that special?

It all set in to take up residence in my heart, I dove deep into the other direction trying to fix one person at a time. Talk about epic fail and back to square one. Except I am going to add an extra factor of another relationship in and fix it from the start. Wow, do I hear myself? Apparently not since here I am trying to fix me again. 

Like the Grand Canyon, we all have deep crevasses of emotions from life changes that we forget how minute they truly are compared to the vast mountains surrounding them. Those glimmers of hope that seem so giant, no one will ever reach them. But, yet they do. I was sinking into my own crevasses, I forgot I was almost to the top of the mountain. Those fog horns were not loud enough for me to see, but oh, how I see it all now.

from eric f 5

 

Looking around, I can see the happiness waiting for me to grasp it. Hold on as tight as I possibly can. Yes, I have finally caught up to those thoughts from long ago, I am not special or tucked away from what may come. I am, however, learning to see the grapes amongst the broken vines. I can see just because I may be down, I am so not out. Life changes daily, it is just the big explosions that jar us off course. Forcing our eyes open to what is of value.

As I sit here today, still very broken but I am so not done. I have so much to see, learn, and do, I am not ready to stop pushing forward. I want to be the one who helps those who seem to be stuck where I have been. I want to be able to point out my blessings as they come, instead of digging into the rut of the mess. Just as the crater formed the Grand Canyon, I will let the craters of my life transform me into a beautiful sight to see from every view.  I will begin with the deepest darkest point, my heart. 

It’s the deafening sound that hurts the most.

I have managed to completely destroy every person I come into contact with. It doesn’t matter what they do, I always screw it up. 

Being in a state of turmoil for years has had my brain bound by needles of pain. I build up walls to keep others out but it only lets my wounds fester. I soon show how much hate has erupted inside and it flows like burning hot lava to all those who love me. Creating a mess no one should have to clean up. 

I thought my walls were tightly closed but that does not matter. It spills out anyways. Nothing like stomping on the hand that feeds your heart. Giving the pain away to someone who has only enhanced your life but I want to make them bleed. I push so hard the other way when they run I try to fix it. This time maybe just the perpetual icing on the nastiest of vomit cakes ever.

For years I have known of this mess I am in, I have welcomed it with open arms and been stung every time. But I do not listen to the screaming sirens telling me to stop. I just burrow down and hold on for the ride of here is your piece of not me. I do so much damage, I kill any reflection of peace and love right in front of my face. I do not know how to jump off this carousel of hate.

I am not brand new to life of hurt and pain. A widow for over 3 years and losing a boyfriend to suicide has taught me unimaginable issues I grip too with all I have. The problem is I have let it all take over. I have managed to take any love my way and smack it down with fear and pain. Will this ever deepening pain stop controlling my every thought?

A man so different from my functions of life has loved me from day one. Of course, he makes me happy but do I show it, hell no. Instead, I look for any imperfections I do not like, also linked to past issues, and crush every idea of helping him see his worth without those needs. I mean seriously. He is living with the 7 dwarfs of psychotics of my unbreathable crutch. Somehow I expect his life to be different while I am flying high on a downward spiral. Demanding truth when all he sees is the wild contradiction I portray. 

How do I fix this nasty beast inside my mind and evict it for good? How do I fix the brokenness I have caused to someone whose heart is so awesome? Letting out such anger and hurt. Sitting in my own filth because I can not get past the negative growth in my own brain. Functioning day today on the what-ifs of my life instead of look in front of you and see the happiness waiting with open arms. Maybe this smack in the face is a wake-up call that being alone is all I will ever get. 

I sit here not knowing what to say or do to prove he is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. He has loved me in my darkest moments of tearing him down along with my self-loathing hate. I am frightened by the sound of my own thoughts and I expect him to suck them up without question. Showing him all my hate instead of how happy he really makes me. Proving my words are only just air. 

I do not know where it will go from here but I know I may have just lost the one who loves me unconditionally. If that is the case so be it. I brought it on myself. For the moment, I pray God will break me down so low, the only thing I would be able to see is the light He has given me. Maybe I can show the man I do love with all my heart and soul, the woman he deserves to be with. If not, I hope and pray he does find someone worth his love because no matter what I have said or done to damage it, his love is the real deal. 

RES

Exploding Inside

The build up in my mind causes a build up of emotions out of control. Could it be always being strong is becoming my weakness? Maybe the fact my views are shot down the second I start to breathe them out. Every step I have endured have made me who I am today. So why can I not push through it without a battle? Where does the line get crossed? 

It’s becoming a daily pattern. Fighting for a dream I have had for so long, trying to get forced back into the hiding it ran out of. Understanding me is so perplexed and yet not one word can bring justice to an angered emotion. Seems explanations are no match for another form of mindless concern. Every moment of a step forward is a major toss backward. 

Strong, yes I get it. I have had to be for so long. Now I am cracking to the point even mortar may not hold the bricks in place. Every weakness coming out. Not wanting to repeat my past, yet it is difficult to look for a light when darkness is peeking over. It’s a gloomy sight to see. Locked inside these four walls, afraid for what might transpire. 

I can not be the only one who fears the other side of the edge. I can not be the only one who sees a particular date and lay there thinking please just let me blink this away. So hard to live in a world where making the same mistakes over 100 times is just the way of life. I can speak the words out but the sound is off. No one listens anyways. Wheres my next stepping stool?

There it is, the release of a sound pushing you to the break. All those silent thoughts have rolled out in such a different paragraph. Would have rather a punch in the throat, at least outer scars heal. How do you forget a word spoken out of your mind? How do you not personalize others ideas of you? How do you make them see this imperfect being wanting, longing, aching for your view to long for that me? 

Begging for the complete exhale of hurt, pain, suffering out and inhaling the depths of the shinings held so close. Wanting to break lose of the ties connected to individual arteries pumping your blood with each thought. When will that revert to a never happen moment? Or is this a craving to a forbidden slice of insanity into much abundance?

The need to be a glimmer I used to dream of has come full circle. Fighting the demise riding on the wings of lust for things never should have opened. A chance, a spark, a minor glance is all I need to understand right now, right here. This will always be who I am. 

RES

Actions?

In light of the evil taking over the world today, I am reminded of how fast one can lose it. In the heat of the moment, be it passion or just anger, emotions can take over. Like a flash, it can all explode in an instant. In the thick of it, words can cut like a knife. Or worse, the emotion takes complete control and reacts so horrifying, there is absolutely no turning back. We see this every day playing out right in front of us. Sadly, it is mostly the aftermath.

How do we fix this epidemic? How do we help those falling off the bridge of hope? Honestly, I have no idea. I do know each one of us has a fighting battle inside of us when we do allow our emotions to control us. Which our conscience comes into play and we stop the mad train. So what about the time when you have lost all control. You’re so mad, you react instead of thinking. Now it’s done. There is no turning back. 

Today, the actions of one individual took 3 lives. Three human beings who are loved. They will never see their loved ones again, celebrate any occasions, laugh, cry, hug any of them again. All that remains for those left behind, are the memories. Which is after their hearts begin to mend and learn to live with that void. Unreplaceable void. Yet, we as a society, only sit back and watch from our frozen boxes.

It hurts me to see this kind of evil spreading. The next generation watching such violence. Not movies or tv shows but real life violence. These small minds seeing the devil’s pawns, playing in such warfare. No way to escape from it. Living in such a politically correct society, how are they to decipher right from wrong? I can not imagine their little minds trying to figure it all out. Not to mention how fearful it must be. 

My beliefs remind me daily of my Saviors words, which gives me so much hope. As I close out my day, I will keep all involved in my thoughts. Not just the fallen and their loved ones, but the offender as well. It is not for any other reason but hopes this individual will find inner peace. I am not saying to let them off. Far from it. What has been done, is done. My hope is for them to find the Savior, who can restore faith, hope, and love. Ultimately, allowing forgiveness where it is needed. Then, the healing can truly begin in each person this has affected. 

RES

 

Change

Change, it comes in many forms. The weather, a job, homes, relationships, just to name a few. It is a normal, every second necessity in our lives. Yet, it causes fear, anxiety, and confusion amongst the best of us. We become paralyzed, sick, irritated or completely shut down. Or, if you are fortunate, you flow with it without hitting every rock along the way.

For me, I collapse into a world formed with walls that become unbreakable. The vial inside surfaces in the form of evil. Words spew out, killing the bonds of relationships, brick by dirty brick. All while my comforting cave claims the deep emotions. Forget about trying to talk to me. That’s an atom bomb waiting to happen. I have had my share of change but in the form of life. Yes, I can hide, like I try to, but it always comes full circle. My change comes with a side of anxiety, sugar coated with sprinkles of depression. It is a battle I fight every day. Close family and friends know me well enough to help me crawl through the deep puddles I fall into. But I also rely on outside counsel. 

Many people think of it as such a bad thing. Think about it, how many “normal” people are really walking among us? Give up? None, that’s right I said it, none. Not too many will admit they need the extra push to get through their battles. I am not ashamed. I could pour my heart and soul out to my close friends, mom, sister, hell kids for that matter but what would it really help. Nothing, because they can not possibly give you a non-bias opinion. They will, most likely, take your side, even if you are wrong. 

So in my life of changes, I have incorporated an outside source to help me cope with myself. But now, I have a little friend who has attached herself to me. Her name is menopause. She brings hot flashes, foggy brain, sometimes sleepless nights, oh and the best of all, little spawns of satan. My mother warned me about this nasty change, as well as my Dr who did my hysterectomy. I saw her once at my parent’s home but I didn’t believe she would unpack and stay for a while. She has forgotten where the front door is located. 

This particular change has set me on a different path than I wanted to settle on. Irrational with not only my children but my love. How can I make him happy when all he sees and hears is raw sewage from me? Talk about trying times. Nothing like a new love with a side of here, let me mess this up in one look with strong words which will make your grandmother drop to her knees begging God for your forgiveness. Oh, the journeys.

Here I am sitting within my change. Taking on mother nature at her best and I will fight to keep my relationships whole. I will continue with my outside counsel because I have to keep my brain on my side. As I have for several years now, it will be a one second at a time step. Change is inevitable but it does not have to be evil. Bring on your change menopause. I vow, one day while holding the hand of my love, I will flow past every evil word and thought. I will be laughing and living life to the fullest as I am changing for the better. 

RES

 

 

Timing

In a world full of so much chaos, breathing room is hard to find. The road has been trying for me these past few months. To add injury to insult, now I am full blown menopausal. Hot flashes galore, spawn of satan in moments of quiet, fatigue just when a task begins. I had witnessed one other woman in the stages of this evil monstrosity that takes over women in their mid ages. I thought, “wow, she is so not fun to be around”. Guess what, that was my mother.  Mind you, I have heard my mother, on several occasions, lose her wording but this particular word, hardly ever. Yes, the f-bomb. But I have seen the other side of this beast and I know she survived. As for me or those around me, time will tell.

Funny how this wonderful change does not ask you when you would like to come on board. It just simply takes over. Walking around, talking to others normally and all of a sudden, there’s a spoon in the sink. I feel that vial again. The rage has come through. Words of anger and hate have poured out of my mouth as if I was in a local bar stale vomiting. Just as I am about to completely finish off my victim, the remorse sets in. And we have faucets of tears flowing as if I needed a shower at that moment. What is going on inside me? Why do I have to feel this way?

Here’s the thing, I had a hysterectomy in 2002. As of today, one ovary left and well it has not functioned right in years. The only value it has is to create as many cysts to cause just enough pain to remind you what those monthly visits were always like. Because every woman’s dream is to be reminded of why we love Aunt Flo coming to town. I mean the fetal position was so comfortable on the hardest day. Why not reminisce now that those days are gone? 

Here’s the deal. Life does love throwing curve balls just when you think you have the ball in sight. It leaves no stone unturned. You can walk past it but it will find you and test every fiber of your being. I just wish I learned how to catch the ball in my mitt a long time ago. So it is a daily learning experience. I just hope all my loved ones can hold on within my storm. It’s not pretty and I have no idea how to handle it. So since I have gotten used to the living every moment in the second it comes for the past 3 years, here’s another coal to the fire. My only hope is I don’t damage my relationships along the way. After all, this is a new venture for me too. 

RES