Yes, You Are Who You Are

Going thru the worst parts of my life has given me more focus since I have reached the other side. What was meant to tear me down and paralyze me, has only enhanced my drive for the challenge. My experiences have made others simply cringe, while others seem to fall about on behalf of me. Their words held tight to my heart, giving me the joy to keep going forward. Yet, there were few who wanted to see me sink into their lives of torment from all the pain they refuse to let go of. This became my determination.

I have had so many hard times during my childhood into my young adult life. I pushed thru all of them, hiding them away from my future. Mostly, I succeeded in the holdings. Until the moment I became a widow. Then all my weaknesses were uncovered for all to see. My raw emotions I had learned to silence began to scream out for attention. This began my spiral to a life so out of control, I never wanted to touch the ground.

I allowed myself to put my self-worth in all the hopelessness and self-mutilation because truly, I hated what I had no choice to become. This ground I could see was nothing more than the black hole I wanted to become. Every pain of any event in my life slapped me so hard across the face. I could not stop the forces it created. Therefore I watched myself spin so far out of control for years. Until the final words pulled the exhausting rope and I found me, hurt broken horrified yet all of me.

You will never be anything more than a piece of shit laborer. Words that pierced into the deadening of my heart so hard, I took charge of everything I had to go through and stopped them from trying to kill me. This words may very well pointless to most and may seem extremely harsh for a lot, I’ll explain. I am a mindful user. I was a labor, yes, but I need to use my mind. These words came from a very hurtful, manipulative person. At that moment my battle began.

I finally felt the bottom ground. I had finally seen the most exquisite ray of light shining up at me as if to say “Yes, you are who you are”. I stepped on the battlefield knowing exactly every sword to fly, every shot to take, every bomb to set off to get to the woman I am complete. I will be whole again. I will become everything I want to be and every piece I was always meant to be. I will cross every line to success and prove to only myself, my value and worth. I am going to be happy inside because I am allowed to be.

Those malice words which were meant shatter me to the point of no return, have been my daggers. Each time I feel the pull-down, I grab a hold of them, changing them to “You can and will become who you are” as the sharp edges begin to bleed them into my soul. On this new playing field, I have stumbled and felt defeated in moments. I would stop to fulfill the pity party in my own mind. Still each morning I would rebegin.

I am finally seeing my world grow each day. New beginnings of many relationships, looking for my real purpose within it. New life goals of dreams from the past and what will be a future excitement full of making them all come true. New stepping stones in life. A career change which I am constantly striving to push myself past my comfort zone because this is the part of life I need. Finally, those words which inflamed the fire back in me has truly shown I am who I am.

 

RES

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Cracked Sand Does Not Confine Itself To A Lock

I have come to terms with my world as It surrounds me. Taking steps back to look over my mistakes and where I had lost my way. I needed to reach the person I had left in those moments and reconnect with that emotion. I seemed to have dealt with many negative emotions leaving one major one for last.

This one was different. Having suppressed the truth of what needed to be seen, I had locks protecting a part of me, I thought I could control… Well, that was until I had seen the real value behind the meaning of that lock.

Decades, I kept it dusted, polished and even talked to it here and there. Smiled and walked away. Until all the broken pieces fell between each link. The lock was only that, the walls were never built with stones. This was a major turn in my world as I had always dreamed of having.

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Once I realized the true lights coming into play, I looked at myself for the value I am worth. Perfection will never be found but happiness can only grow when you own you. All of you. That began my purging moment. A moment of being set free.

A rebeginning in my world where my vision is in line with my joys and blessings in life. I get why we are given our choices and now I do understand why the trials and tribulations give us lessons or deepens our locks. Cracked sand does not confine itself to a lock.

RES

Theme Of My Amazing Life

I hear the words of the songs and my heart tears a bit. It is either a memory of times gone by or future dreams of times yet to come. Only a few will hold the presence of the now. That needs to be the sounds taking a hold of my ear. I need those sounds to guide me to the music of life filling the air with inspirations of happiness and love like none have ever felt. A pureness wanting to share with anyone who will listen. Oh, the wind blows and the notes flow across their hearts the way it touches mine.

I have crossed major floods and cleared mountain tops to find that sweet harmony that has brought me right here. Leaving me in a gentleness breeze with constant flowing wonders of which path to venture onto next. Yet it is funny how life will still throw an off tune effect here and there. Sometimes I do drop a tear for the life I had traveled on. The sites I had to endure tied into the joys of occasions that light up my world. Lifetime experiences which line the walls of my heart with rays of songs for each face the memory holds. A strand of blessings connecting the strings to the guitars of my universe. I do hear the drums that beat hard sending sorrow into motion like a hurricane of thoughts but I am soon hearing the sounds of the lights for the times I was blessed with.

In my world and life of music, I find how lost I can get in my own mind. It becomes a walk of different times of my life. I do realize how different this little bit of me is taking in different steps, but I write as I go and in the moment. I see and feel so much through the sound of songs and words to where my heart has learned to take it in and purge it out all at once. It has become a healing vise for me. A way to work through myself. A tool to stay on course, steading and forward because as times in the not so distant past I have failed. I wandered out of my own lines. I took the lead vocals and killed the sound in my own spirit. I broke.

And just like that, the sound was gone. Sending me back onto the path I was supposed to follow. The chorus came on and I heard the familiar sounds I had tucked away for moments where I slip on that slope of destruction, ropes pull tight and the harmonies begin to flow just right once again. The notes of happiness have appeared into my soul as if never left bringing nothing but joys of blessings. There is that smile, that hope, that faith I had long forgotten about. The forgiveness is much deeper when the meaning is found in a note being carried away in the sounds of memories of healing the scars.

Each day and new sound brings me to another level in life. One that is freeing inside and allowing all the inspirational tunes into a view I had never seen quite that way before. Every now and then a whistle will hit the right Soundwave and bring a tear to my eye but the daggers don’t cut as deep as they did before. In fact, they sometimes bring the noise of a giggle deep down making my soul smile so bright. New sounds are beginning to reach those levels and build mini rays of light, a feeling I have a long time relationship with and time to dance under the stars to the theme of my amazing life.

RES

My Worth Is Valuable

Loneliness takes over sometimes and handcuffs my heart to look into areas I do not belong in. I fight with all I have inside because I look back at what I found the past few times I ran with the feelings which were all superficial. Each feeling was of all human wants, not really where I was supposed to be. Ripping parts of my soul as each failed moment would pass by. The bleeding lasted for roughly two and a half years. The damage I thought was my life until my last breath. Thank God, I was wrong on so many levels. I just had to hit the very bottom of the cesspool.

I never really took authority very well. Controlling me was only to a particular point, after that I blocked you. It took me seeing the true colors coming to light when all I could do was look up to realize my worth still has amazing value and I am not settling. Taking back my life was very hard considering I had hidden from my own horrors for close to 46 years. A long time of running to stop dead in their tracks. I have seen the light reaching down for me and to see it was my own hand with Gods smile behind it, was the vision I needed to pull out.

So many times in life I looked for someone to fall into, making all my shattered pieces fade into the dark places and I thought they were gone. It took many to say what they were seeing in me to wake me up to a small position until one particular person revealed sights she had always seen in me for over 35 years. Tears fell so much that night but the clearing of all my storms cleared away. I have seen where I had been, where I was at that moment, and where I wanted to be. Mostly, I felt what God wanted me to feel and His visions come into view as He sees fit to show me.

It is still a very hard step being solo in life for the moment due to all those years of habits and comforts. Being uncomfortable and having patience is the most challenging habits I am having to learn to get used to. Yet with each new day, whatever it may bring, I see a step forward. It is still really hard and a struggle on some days where I slip backward but I have to learn baby steps. I am learning self-love is not vanity, it is knowing God’s value and seeing each fold as He sees me. I am learning to have faith in each moment that crosses my path. The light is now starting to outweigh the darkness and happiness are starting to overtake sorrow.

Minimize the negative and maximize the positive. God has never left me during every event of my life and He knows each one of my fears. I don’t know why it has taken me this long but now that I am seeing what real joy is all about, I am giving the wheel to God because I am blind to what He sees. Learn to love yourself for who He wants you to be and you will see the sweetness His joy brings into your own life.

RES

 

 

Please Not Too Late

Have you ever had one of those I completely messed up on this move moment? I have and I am realizing this close to the two-year mark. I look back and wonder what was I thinking. I had what I wanted in my hands and I pushed it away for one of the biggest lessons in life. What I did not want. So now what? What does one do to see if that mess up is going to be a life long lesson because I was too late or will I get an opportunity to search this soul for the deeper meaning than the depths I already swim in? Please don’t let the answer be that I am too late.

Here is a connection which was real. I only know this because if it was not why would we still be in contact with each other? Maybe I am looking at it through the wrong eyes, or maybe my subconscious was saving his image of me from the self-destruction I put myself through in the span of time between times of our visual contact. I was in a very dark place in my life. And depression sucked me in as if I were a sour drop. Except this was fast and furious off the charts. The damage had occurred when things could not be turned around and I only have myself to blame.

I had so much inside, I didn’t know what to do but find a victim to hide behind. I can only be happy his soul was not scratched by this. Sharing bits of my pain was about all I was going to show. He didn’t deserve more pain than he was already enduring, besides he had dependents that needed a strong father. But now. Oh, now I am in such a better place in life. I have begun living months ago. Happiness has resurfaced and I feel the peace within. It’s walking alone and wondering if those feeling I get when I see his name on my phone are actually what I think they are.

How do I go forward when I could have had this all along? How do I show I can be on my own with no dependency for my happiness sake. Tell me when does this part begin. Here is where learning patience takes a toll on me. I have never been one for patience and it has become even thinner as I have gotten older. When I get something deep down I want the suddenness to be instant but love knows no limits and I have to hold fast. The step of being happy alone will only strengthen a tie that started that night I saw him walk towards me. Will I be ok if it is nothing more than a friend, absolutely but I have a strong feeling I am not wrong.

So here is where my faith comes into. A request I have never really gone to God for. A gentleman. I decided this is up to my Father. The only one who knows pure joy and happiness and has stuck by my side even when I left Him standing there with His arms wide open. I am learning His timing is not mine and I have to know that life has thrown many obstacles in my way but I’m right here making it. Here I will leave it at a request of please, not too late God.

RES 

 

The Weakness I Always Hold Inside

Quite a bit circles my mind. I think on ways judgment is called out from us. Yes, all of us. Not only to ourselves but all too often upon others. Blinded by the subject is really a sadness build off that weakness is a part of our ultimate demise. It is our own fears coming into the light of the world but attached to an unknown individual the other emotions inside of us have not grasped onto yet. Leaving the fear all alone. The only option is to throw it on the leech sucking wound of their weakness, to make your own mind justified. Sadly, this repeated circle in our world has become a way of life.

This has created so many evils and darkness floating around. Some had the blessing for grasping the positive emotion very early in life. Making those others feel an early taste of the weakness that will hurt the most. Appearances seem to show strength where those masks which hide such deep hurts from the first open wound. Terms begin to form “you never know what they are going through”. Making each word on the scene. Ready to speak it out but refuse to hear it in. What once was born pure as an emotion could be, learned the differences between you and me. 

Every day each new step stumbles upon another fold of faked smiles and false hopes. Questions arise with each process. Why does this have to be? When will I learn to let go? It takes more than one mind to tie the rope upon the docks. Because within the moment your footing seems so strong, the storms of life come in. Washing away the anchors of life where no holds are attached. Yet once in a lifetime, you meet your other half. 

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Weakness retakes its place front and center. Is this the line we had to enter? Taking a step back and looking around. There is the other piece I forgot I had found. Here, hide with me. Together we can determine all of our destiny. Show them exactly where they are supposed to go, it will help us feel higher when we have nowhere to go. How long with this insane enlighten feeling remain? I know the sharp heavy weighed down feeling will meet me again. 

It is a vicious cycle we will witness and join every day. Some will see it and try to correct. Most will clearly use it as its forever host. I am not sure when or where or how this will ever change. I personally have tried every day. Really have I truly, though? I know I am not the only one I know who has had a momentary lapse of reason. Yet I seem to have longer dips in the depths of each tornado of my own mind. Paralyzing the very essence controlling my spirit. I have to remember to look for the ray of light, moment by moment. 

Because of my weakness latching onto others that hooked me so young, my shield of healing has not been allowed in my sight. I hold back the positives to keep me up each day. But I allow just enough to keep my breathing going every single day. Those are my happy spots I look into to crash the tides I hide. I am happy to say I tried it once, that scene or those words will never go away. I may see the edge but I refuse to jump. It is very steep and sharp and begging to be touched. My heart hurts for those who fell into its clutch. The ones who never allowed the positive of a word from a loved one’s touch. 

When the moment comes to never want anyone to feel the hurt, pain, struggles. The gains your mind body and soul have learned becomes a brand new you. Then maybe the words of judgment may shorten every day. At least to those who used to be the ones only in aim. The mirror reflects it back, forcing you to see the pits you can not escape. You realize the damage you created. Then fester in the filth of the world your mind has created. Some can never find that stable ground. Sadly those are the ones who never wanted to be found. Only those who understand and master their major weakness can see. We are normally to close to read the words they give us day to day. I live in this emotions day after day. 

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If you happen to be one of my unlucky emotional twins, I apologize for the voices that set within. These moments will teach us our sight is never blind. We have to hold on to the tiny flashes of hope. Those are the anchors holding onto the ropes of our hearts where our joys and happiness keep us afloat. Stop letting our weaknesses to refocus our facts. Maybe if I can show others the change I need inside, those judgment calls will turn into fires of uplifting notes of happiness. What a view that could be. Maybe if we each take one step a day to learn a more positive way, we could make that mental light for others to grow. I want the voices I hear since those who gave into the pits, to be used to help others reaching out for a hand to pull them in. 

It is really hurting deep inside of me. Suicide from anything bully or not is an extremely damaging repair for those who understand but hard for the ones who has always held their hand. Seeing it from both sides, I need for the lights I hold so far inside to guide me to a happiness for me. The only one I can truly change and follow from deep inside. I want my little rays of light to hold its true meaning of hope for others to see I am only as weak as I feel. 

RES

 

 

Above The Depths Of The Dark Crevasses Is The Light, Latch Onto It.

I noticed how much I have taken for granted. Seems all my life I wondered around thinking how unfortunate others had it, whilst I never suffered those problems. Mother of 6 and not having the emotions other mothers had already achieved. Until it all started to flow downhill, the speed of light could not keep up.

I had my first direct encounter with death in 08. Yes, I had known others some close but far enough away, I could block the major pain. Not this time, it was my papa. Watching him turn from such life, strong filled with happiness and joy every time I saw him. To a very fragile man needing to be cared for with every breath all the way until the end. That was very hard to watch and added a hard knot in my gut which never went away. 

Life took over, a few more passing then bam a major hit took place. My father in law. I knew this day would take a hold of my husband and never let go. Watching this man melt into a pool of tears not knowing where to turn with such pain, I had no idea what to do or say. This was very hard. But nothing had prepared me for the sucker punch coming. The moment I split into two and never returning back.

I had forever been changed because of my life as I knew it was done, chapter closed, no moving forward.  It was a moment in time I replay over and over again. A moment I never imagined would happen, my husband was gone. Looking into this life that never stopped even for a second, lifeless, complete, done and gone. An extreme measure of confusing melted with numbing pain crusted over with anger and hate added to being an explosion no matter who was in front of me. 

The vileness welled up inside of me spilling over when my volcano erupted. Not one person was spared. It took many moons to get to the acceptance stage and then onto trying to heal. Still spewing words of nastiness when the darkness would take over.  I tried to lock myself away from everyone, seeing those days I never thought it could happen to me or my family. I added those visions of shame on my head and allowed them to fester deep. Why did I think I was protected from life’s changes? What made me think I was that special?

It all set in to take up residence in my heart, I dove deep into the other direction trying to fix one person at a time. Talk about epic fail and back to square one. Except I am going to add an extra factor of another relationship in and fix it from the start. Wow, do I hear myself? Apparently not since here I am trying to fix me again. 

Like the Grand Canyon, we all have deep crevasses of emotions from life changes that we forget how minute they truly are compared to the vast mountains surrounding them. Those glimmers of hope that seem so giant, no one will ever reach them. But, yet they do. I was sinking into my own crevasses, I forgot I was almost to the top of the mountain. Those fog horns were not loud enough for me to see, but oh, how I see it all now.

from eric f 5

 

Looking around, I can see the happiness waiting for me to grasp it. Hold on as tight as I possibly can. Yes, I have finally caught up to those thoughts from long ago, I am not special or tucked away from what may come. I am, however, learning to see the grapes amongst the broken vines. I can see just because I may be down, I am so not out. Life changes daily, it is just the big explosions that jar us off course. Forcing our eyes open to what is of value.

As I sit here today, still very broken but I am so not done. I have so much to see, learn, and do, I am not ready to stop pushing forward. I want to be the one who helps those who seem to be stuck where I have been. I want to be able to point out my blessings as they come, instead of digging into the rut of the mess. Just as the crater formed the Grand Canyon, I will let the craters of my life transform me into a beautiful sight to see from every view.  I will begin with the deepest darkest point, my heart. 

It’s the deafening sound that hurts the most.

I have managed to completely destroy every person I come into contact with. It doesn’t matter what they do, I always screw it up. 

Being in a state of turmoil for years has had my brain bound by needles of pain. I build up walls to keep others out but it only lets my wounds fester. I soon show how much hate has erupted inside and it flows like burning hot lava to all those who love me. Creating a mess no one should have to clean up. 

I thought my walls were tightly closed but that does not matter. It spills out anyways. Nothing like stomping on the hand that feeds your heart. Giving the pain away to someone who has only enhanced your life but I want to make them bleed. I push so hard the other way when they run I try to fix it. This time maybe just the perpetual icing on the nastiest of vomit cakes ever.

For years I have known of this mess I am in, I have welcomed it with open arms and been stung every time. But I do not listen to the screaming sirens telling me to stop. I just burrow down and hold on for the ride of here is your piece of not me. I do so much damage, I kill any reflection of peace and love right in front of my face. I do not know how to jump off this carousel of hate.

I am not brand new to life of hurt and pain. A widow for over 3 years and losing a boyfriend to suicide has taught me unimaginable issues I grip too with all I have. The problem is I have let it all take over. I have managed to take any love my way and smack it down with fear and pain. Will this ever deepening pain stop controlling my every thought?

A man so different from my functions of life has loved me from day one. Of course, he makes me happy but do I show it, hell no. Instead, I look for any imperfections I do not like, also linked to past issues, and crush every idea of helping him see his worth without those needs. I mean seriously. He is living with the 7 dwarfs of psychotics of my unbreathable crutch. Somehow I expect his life to be different while I am flying high on a downward spiral. Demanding truth when all he sees is the wild contradiction I portray. 

How do I fix this nasty beast inside my mind and evict it for good? How do I fix the brokenness I have caused to someone whose heart is so awesome? Letting out such anger and hurt. Sitting in my own filth because I can not get past the negative growth in my own brain. Functioning day today on the what-ifs of my life instead of look in front of you and see the happiness waiting with open arms. Maybe this smack in the face is a wake-up call that being alone is all I will ever get. 

I sit here not knowing what to say or do to prove he is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. He has loved me in my darkest moments of tearing him down along with my self-loathing hate. I am frightened by the sound of my own thoughts and I expect him to suck them up without question. Showing him all my hate instead of how happy he really makes me. Proving my words are only just air. 

I do not know where it will go from here but I know I may have just lost the one who loves me unconditionally. If that is the case so be it. I brought it on myself. For the moment, I pray God will break me down so low, the only thing I would be able to see is the light He has given me. Maybe I can show the man I do love with all my heart and soul, the woman he deserves to be with. If not, I hope and pray he does find someone worth his love because no matter what I have said or done to damage it, his love is the real deal. 

RES