And just like that, you were gone. Words spoken of nothing but hate linger in my mind every day. Stabbing my brain like a jagged edge ripping into every burning thought. I try so hard to forgive myself every second the vial begins to rise but most moments I fail. It is the not knowing if you really knew how much I loved you. How much I will always love you.
Nights like this one, my heart shreds as if it was just as raw as that morning began. Listening to sounds that creep inside my soul to save me from my own drowning noises. At moment, they tend to drag me through the deepest of mud to the shallow sharp findings of rocks. My body sends me the signals when I need to just let go and repair. Eyes swollen of each memory both good and bad, trace my face like puddles of ponds keeping score, 10 steps forward, a million falls back. And here is where I sit for hours, fighting inside to eliminate all the hurt I know I caused. Skipping back over those with the scenes of complete joy in each other. Here follow all those dreams
Dreams of a new chapter within our lives. The chapters that continue to grow even when you are not here. The me then, is no longer here either. I allow the light to shine down on me but it is never a permanent fixture. The depths of this pain seeps through with a vengeance. Then I fall right back to the morning my new life began. Right to the moment, those words fell out without holding on. The moment the air in my lungs never returned again. A time when I never saw me again. I left with you. Every dream we cherished flew away with the life we had.
I see them sometimes. They come as little glimmers when I look into our grandchildren’s eyes. There are the moments of hope which begins to ignite inside of me. Surrounded by our children and watching their lives turn into beautiful works of art, flying high and growing strong. Each of them gives me the gift of you. A light in the seconds of deep drownings I tend to trip into. They hold me together more than I ever tell them. Even not within the space, I swallow into, I look at snapshots and there is your eyes, or smile, or grin. Oh, that grin. It always melted my heart and it still does with the burning memory of the first words you spoke to me.
And there it is again, the hurt, the pain, the tears hanging on to those vile hateful words piercing my spirit. So, as usual, I give in to the tears and lost dreams turned into amazing memories and turn to all the sounds we heard together. Guides me to all your favorites which trigger an event that gets the mind flowing again. Refusing to stop in the moment of despair, I hear the words “Love is all around you”. I believe it because with the next voice I remember our last dance together all because “You never let me go”.
This new way of life I have been given to live is so hard only because most of my life died with you. I only have my mind to carry each second with me. I try hard to not let those hateful things sneak into my thoughts to run over me, but some days I need the release of the pain. I need to remember to follow those tears to the rivers of memories we did create. The dreams may never hold your footsteps but watching you come alive with the actions of our family, little rays of those dreams attach to my heart and I think of you. Even as I sit here, dripping in a world of a moment’s grief, YOU are now my angel eyes!
Dedicated to my late husband: You are always on my mind, the only one for me, your all I need, I’ll never let you go! I love and miss you so much Brian.—-RES
I entered this step surrounded by those who tried to understand this world I had just begun to drown in. The world I never wanted to see. A newness of wonders I never planned on happening. I was hit with the frozen moments of despair. A new life as a widow. Completely learning this title from the ground up.
Words flowed out like the water of apologies to acts of uncomfortable tries of sympathy trying to crack thru the out shell I instantly put on full lockdown. Nothing was going to penetrate the vial I was holding onto. The feeling of complete autopilot covering my motions, while the dam is holding back emotions of tidal waves creating the biggest tsunami I had ever felt deep down, darkness took hold. The me I used to know just died along with him. I just left her with him forever.
This was a walk I can play over and over in my mind even 3 and a half years out. Waves of memories still paralyzed my heart, while the forgotten seconds leave my head in a fog. I reached for every place I could hide into. Not letting my surroundings become stale as to force any sign of movement of healing so far out of my way. I thought finding others like me would help. It did, to a point.
After hearing the all too many cliche’ phrases to kill my spirit which will always last me a lifetime, I found the perfect place to mend my broken spirit where others go who know your name. They get it, they totally understand. Every feeling I wanted to scream, someone else seen it, sprayed it and totally mastered it. The meltdowns felt familiar, the dreams stayed the same. We all could release emotions others seem to think were unacceptable in their safe world. We lent our versions of how to heal from our steps of traveling in this path.
I would feel as if no one understood but someone would spill out there’s and yes it did help. But for me, I needed more. I needed someone who walked exactly in my shoes to dig out from the mud pit I began to take up roots in. I wanted it all to heal in my time, in my way. Not hearing suggestions because how could you understand, you see let me not share what I am afraid of, what I am hurting about, what failures I will walk with day by day. But please, tell me how to push it so far down, I stumble into my own self. And suddenly, that wall scarred me with the hottest iron that had ever pierced my soul.
I had made choices others seen as mistakes but they were mine. I had become half a person and trying to find my other half because of most of my living, breathing life, I was always half of 2. That 2 became one. Here I stood “Half”. Searching for a new way to move into the world I could not complete alone, but I can.
I was the widow who had to learn it alone. Yes, the guidance of those who truly understood helped when I chose to listen to the steps they took. I still had to make my own steps sometimes sinkholes to see the lesson my mistake made. The struggles had their moments of telling me who was in control. My need to drive every motive down its own path of destruction smacking in the face of a still growing family with others who lost a part of themselves too. You see that day, not only did I become a widow, I also became the only parent. Big pants to take on all broken and soaking in darkness.
It has taken some strides and I am sure I will never fully recover because that one strong saying is so not true. Time does NOT heal ALL wounds. This is one I am sure every widow will agree. The scab does crust over, but it never truly heals. Many new occasions, life events, growing pains, and successes will all come and go. With each one that scab will fall off. Opening up the harshness of the reality, you are still the half alone. It does not become the mighty storm of your lifetime but It still forms tornados here and there. Even with every day bringing in a very brand spanking new moment in time, things will grow and new relationships will happen but I will always be the widow who had to do it alone.
Quite a bit circles my mind. I think on ways judgment is called out from us. Yes, all of us. Not only to ourselves but all too often upon others. Blinded by the subject is really a sadness build off that weakness is a part of our ultimate demise. It is our own fears coming into the light of the world but attached to an unknown individual the other emotions inside of us have not grasped onto yet. Leaving the fear all alone. The only option is to throw it on the leech sucking wound of their weakness, to make your own mind justified. Sadly, this repeated circle in our world has become a way of life.
This has created so many evils and darkness floating around. Some had the blessing for grasping the positive emotion very early in life. Making those others feel an early taste of the weakness that will hurt the most. Appearances seem to show strength where those masks which hide such deep hurts from the first open wound. Terms begin to form “you never know what they are going through”. Making each word on the scene. Ready to speak it out but refuse to hear it in. What once was born pure as an emotion could be, learned the differences between you and me.
Every day each new step stumbles upon another fold of faked smiles and false hopes. Questions arise with each process. Why does this have to be? When will I learn to let go? It takes more than one mind to tie the rope upon the docks. Because within the moment your footing seems so strong, the storms of life come in. Washing away the anchors of life where no holds are attached. Yet once in a lifetime, you meet your other half.
Weakness retakes its place front and center. Is this the line we had to enter? Taking a step back and looking around. There is the other piece I forgot I had found. Here, hide with me. Together we can determine all of our destiny. Show them exactly where they are supposed to go, it will help us feel higher when we have nowhere to go. How long with this insane enlighten feeling remain? I know the sharp heavy weighed down feeling will meet me again.
It is a vicious cycle we will witness and join every day. Some will see it and try to correct. Most will clearly use it as its forever host. I am not sure when or where or how this will ever change. I personally have tried every day. Really have I truly, though? I know I am not the only one I know who has had a momentary lapse of reason. Yet I seem to have longer dips in the depths of each tornado of my own mind. Paralyzing the very essence controlling my spirit. I have to remember to look for the ray of light, moment by moment.
Because of my weakness latching onto others that hooked me so young, my shield of healing has not been allowed in my sight. I hold back the positives to keep me up each day. But I allow just enough to keep my breathing going every single day. Those are my happy spots I look into to crash the tides I hide. I am happy to say I tried it once, that scene or those words will never go away. I may see the edge but I refuse to jump. It is very steep and sharp and begging to be touched. My heart hurts for those who fell into its clutch. The ones who never allowed the positive of a word from a loved one’s touch.
When the moment comes to never want anyone to feel the hurt, pain, struggles. The gains your mind body and soul have learned becomes a brand new you. Then maybe the words of judgment may shorten every day. At least to those who used to be the ones only in aim. The mirror reflects it back, forcing you to see the pits you can not escape. You realize the damage you created. Then fester in the filth of the world your mind has created. Some can never find that stable ground. Sadly those are the ones who never wanted to be found. Only those who understand and master their major weakness can see. We are normally to close to read the words they give us day to day. I live in this emotions day after day.
If you happen to be one of my unlucky emotional twins, I apologize for the voices that set within. These moments will teach us our sight is never blind. We have to hold on to the tiny flashes of hope. Those are the anchors holding onto the ropes of our hearts where our joys and happiness keep us afloat. Stop letting our weaknesses to refocus our facts. Maybe if I can show others the change I need inside, those judgment calls will turn into fires of uplifting notes of happiness. What a view that could be. Maybe if we each take one step a day to learn a more positive way, we could make that mental light for others to grow. I want the voices I hear since those who gave into the pits, to be used to help others reaching out for a hand to pull them in.
It is really hurting deep inside of me. Suicide from anything bully or not is an extremely damaging repair for those who understand but hard for the ones who has always held their hand. Seeing it from both sides, I need for the lights I hold so far inside to guide me to a happiness for me. The only one I can truly change and follow from deep inside. I want my little rays of light to hold its true meaning of hope for others to see I am only as weak as I feel.
A place in time only few will notice. Seems so far away but yet in a familiar backyard. Getting lost and away from it all was so easy and spontaneous. Never wanting to leave is how I felt. So I didn’t.
Happiness came easy here. Surrounded by the peace of time and friends. Laughing, sharing thoughts as well as stories. Now left to memories tucked away only to be seen on a very hard day. Even for just a few days away from society at its finest. Still gave me the much needed time spent with you.
I can still smell the smoke from the fire pit, overcoming the camp we all held together. Sounds of streams flowing into the lake, the fish swimming for their lives literally. Taking in all the nature which everyday life steals away. Allowing ourselves to be complete again, if only for a while.
I think everyday steals a part of who we are, losing what we once thought we wanted. Where does our joy go? When do we start to fall for the lies we tell ourselves? When do we find it all over again? I believe these few days brought me back to the real moments in life where everything made sense. Nothing was left to chance but just being. Taking in all the wonders nature has to offer.
It is the beauty that surrounds us every day but we refuse to turn our eyes to it. We lose all focus for a step forward in the adult game of life. Killing every joyous fiber we were born with. How do we take it back? Why do we only find these places to hide for just a little while?
These memories gave me a lifetime of thoughts to hold onto for times when I can not breathe. Times when I think it is just too hard to move forward. Times when I think living is the biggest chore of them all. It’s this special time with you I cling to. Allowing my mind to take me to the peace I once felt inside. The only sounds were your giggles and crickets singing. Sounds of the life you always loved to engulf into. Some days it is hard but I can still recall each of those moments.
It sad how we can only grasp these moments every now and again. Taking a break from the cold cruel world to actually see such beauty that is surrounding us. A tear can only mask the pain of the memories we never created after this day. But if it is only the memories I have to bank on, then I will take them. I know for a second happiness was in my hands. I was the one who let it fly away. I did not hold tight to what was in front of me. I never allowed it to sink completely in.
How can we know the view unless we open ourselves to see the truth behind our eyes? Some moments come by surprise, others by sheer design. These moments came because you saw it all. You knew the beauty that needed to be seen. You knew how to breathe in the life others take for granted. You tried to guide me by pulling as hard as you could even when I hated it. You pushed. I gave in this once. Once, a memory forever cherished.
As I stated, not many will know this place as only a few have seen it. But for those who have will understand the dynamic held within her grasp. I learned a lot in the few short days I spent amongst the trees of life. Created bonds I never knew existed. Sites I will never forget even if I truly wanted to. But I do not. Actually, this is a place I never want to share with anyone else except for those who were there. The very few who knew you as well. Those are the ones who seen the beauty you held deep down. The connection with nature at her finest.
If only for a moment I get to hold these memories close. Keeping it only for our view. Allowing the very few you let into your life. The place you found beautiful. The place you allowed yourself to shine. I see you within these trees, the scenery that keeps you alive. I notice the little things you always knew. I smell the heartiness of nature when the wind blows my way. I hear your laughter with every gust of wind from a wing of a bird makes. It is my memory I keep tucked away. These are our moments I carry with me. If only for a moment I see our beauty.
These photos are from a very special place in the backyard of a friends property. I had the privilege to camp in this area with my late husband. I forgot what it meant to take in the sights. He did not. He saw all the beauty of the world around him and left no stone unturned. If for only a few days, I got the gift of seeing his view. What a marvelous view it is. Little did I realize, this would be my only time walking amongst this area as a wife, now I walk it a widow.
Stop every now and again and take in your surroundings. Life does not have to be push and shove all the time. The beauty is out there for us to grab. Take a chance and jump into nature, you never know the memories you will make.
(I dedicate these photos and blog to my late husband, whom I will love and miss for the rest of my life. He knew beauty at its finest and never feared the next step in life. Here is to all your eyes had to tell Brian, forever in my soul!)