New Season Is Coming

Heres just a piece of what I try to explain so that maybe others will understand what I mean when I say I want to find someone to hang with. Of course at this stage of the game finding “the one” would be sweet but I have faced it. I am not ready for that at all. But I do miss the person sitting across the room with me. Nothing but talking and laughing. Being able to share a moment of the things which is our common interest.

This point in time was not a vision I had put upon my plate. The friends or my extended family I have surrounding me are all a part of my life before my shoe size changed. I have always been a very private person as far as making friends outside of the family. Those I do have are formed on very strong grounds and lots of history. The ones I will call newer are within the last 10 years of my life. I do have a very hard time making them because I like being alone, well to a point.

This is where my husband came in. He brought all my new friends home and finally they were the ones I bonded with. I love each of them so much and cherish every memory created and to come but as I am with all of them, they are with that hang out buddy. Same with my grown children. All have stepped into adulthood in one form or another which makes my heart light up with such joy but it does leave me missing my old days. Usually, those thoughts bring tears to my eyes. I do not make friends easy no matter where I go.

I will admit the new way of meeting others is very convenient but it is also scary as hell. I like to watch others as they are in my view. The way they told to each other, can they hold eye contact. The facial expressions. You really can not do that based on a picture off of a site. I mean come on. It is also very draining because no matter what you are looking for on any site, any gender, or age group, explaining “friends” to what you think are grown individuals who seem to have a completely different view. Exhausting.

I have met a couple of great people and yes, I admit a few who flew out of the coo coo’s nest. The real deal here is I see it. I learned from it and I know exactly where I am right now. So while I talk about things I want to do and how I would love to have that single friend out there I can call up and say “let’s go” with or happens to come over and hang a few days. Because that is the companionship I miss the most. The laughter, the funny language, the crazy stories. All of that type of a connection. I am ready to have many laughing experiences out at a live band, watching a game on tv, movies, going to a party or just simply making each others day with a short text. That is what this single white female is lacking.

So please understand as you are looking across the room at that one who can look right at you no matter where you are, what your status to each other are or even the mode you are in. If you have that one, I don’t have it. I am missing that link. First time in my life, I am seeing the opening for that spot which has been filled for my whole life with someone. Their season has passed and a new season is coming.

 

RES

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Theme Of My Amazing Life

I hear the words of the songs and my heart tears a bit. It is either a memory of times gone by or future dreams of times yet to come. Only a few will hold the presence of the now. That needs to be the sounds taking a hold of my ear. I need those sounds to guide me to the music of life filling the air with inspirations of happiness and love like none have ever felt. A pureness wanting to share with anyone who will listen. Oh, the wind blows and the notes flow across their hearts the way it touches mine.

I have crossed major floods and cleared mountain tops to find that sweet harmony that has brought me right here. Leaving me in a gentleness breeze with constant flowing wonders of which path to venture onto next. Yet it is funny how life will still throw an off tune effect here and there. Sometimes I do drop a tear for the life I had traveled on. The sites I had to endure tied into the joys of occasions that light up my world. Lifetime experiences which line the walls of my heart with rays of songs for each face the memory holds. A strand of blessings connecting the strings to the guitars of my universe. I do hear the drums that beat hard sending sorrow into motion like a hurricane of thoughts but I am soon hearing the sounds of the lights for the times I was blessed with.

In my world and life of music, I find how lost I can get in my own mind. It becomes a walk of different times of my life. I do realize how different this little bit of me is taking in different steps, but I write as I go and in the moment. I see and feel so much through the sound of songs and words to where my heart has learned to take it in and purge it out all at once. It has become a healing vise for me. A way to work through myself. A tool to stay on course, steading and forward because as times in the not so distant past I have failed. I wandered out of my own lines. I took the lead vocals and killed the sound in my own spirit. I broke.

And just like that, the sound was gone. Sending me back onto the path I was supposed to follow. The chorus came on and I heard the familiar sounds I had tucked away for moments where I slip on that slope of destruction, ropes pull tight and the harmonies begin to flow just right once again. The notes of happiness have appeared into my soul as if never left bringing nothing but joys of blessings. There is that smile, that hope, that faith I had long forgotten about. The forgiveness is much deeper when the meaning is found in a note being carried away in the sounds of memories of healing the scars.

Each day and new sound brings me to another level in life. One that is freeing inside and allowing all the inspirational tunes into a view I had never seen quite that way before. Every now and then a whistle will hit the right Soundwave and bring a tear to my eye but the daggers don’t cut as deep as they did before. In fact, they sometimes bring the noise of a giggle deep down making my soul smile so bright. New sounds are beginning to reach those levels and build mini rays of light, a feeling I have a long time relationship with and time to dance under the stars to the theme of my amazing life.

RES

Story Of Overcoming Obstacles

It has taken a little while in my walk of life and experiences to see things clearly. Today, a brother in widowhood had asked how others spouses passed and age. Mind you, most of us get relief from grief to a point when we talk about our spouses. As I, myself was sharing a very minute piece of my journey on this walk, I shared how my husband passed. It hit me right in the gut.

Struck by a car. Wow. Wanting to puke was an understatement of the year. The man I had known most of my life, who never stopped a day in his, stopped. Suddenly and instantly. How did I never see this before? I know I thought it when I said my goodbyes but never hit me like this.

Mind you, I am in no way sad about this because I now realize there was no other way God would have it and That man forever in my heart, will never stop moving to me. I will always smile seeing the memories of him always being active from the time his eyes opened to the time he tried to fight the sleep off. He even moved and talked in his sleep, so you understand when I say never stopped moving.

Here is my point, the pain of losing my other half, my best friend nearly killed me inside to the point living was a chore. But I feel as if I have come full circle to remember him the way I always loved him. I do not see the flaws, I see his rays of light. I see the man I fell in love with and this reality check just confirmed it in my soul.

When you have a peace inside of the fact your spouse will live forever in your heart, walking around hurting for them is always there. Sometimes the band-aids get ripped off quicker and the pain does not last as long as it used to. In fact, sometimes it shows a new view of the facts. Nonetheless, I still felt his arms hugging me as that thought of his instant stopping point in this life had made its way through my complete being. His smile entered my mind and all my sadness was replaced with warmth and joys. My proof that happiness does truly come from within. After all, this fellow widower stated “it is a story of overcoming obstacles”, you know what, he is right.

RES

Please Not Too Late

Have you ever had one of those I completely messed up on this move moment? I have and I am realizing this close to the two-year mark. I look back and wonder what was I thinking. I had what I wanted in my hands and I pushed it away for one of the biggest lessons in life. What I did not want. So now what? What does one do to see if that mess up is going to be a life long lesson because I was too late or will I get an opportunity to search this soul for the deeper meaning than the depths I already swim in? Please don’t let the answer be that I am too late.

Here is a connection which was real. I only know this because if it was not why would we still be in contact with each other? Maybe I am looking at it through the wrong eyes, or maybe my subconscious was saving his image of me from the self-destruction I put myself through in the span of time between times of our visual contact. I was in a very dark place in my life. And depression sucked me in as if I were a sour drop. Except this was fast and furious off the charts. The damage had occurred when things could not be turned around and I only have myself to blame.

I had so much inside, I didn’t know what to do but find a victim to hide behind. I can only be happy his soul was not scratched by this. Sharing bits of my pain was about all I was going to show. He didn’t deserve more pain than he was already enduring, besides he had dependents that needed a strong father. But now. Oh, now I am in such a better place in life. I have begun living months ago. Happiness has resurfaced and I feel the peace within. It’s walking alone and wondering if those feeling I get when I see his name on my phone are actually what I think they are.

How do I go forward when I could have had this all along? How do I show I can be on my own with no dependency for my happiness sake. Tell me when does this part begin. Here is where learning patience takes a toll on me. I have never been one for patience and it has become even thinner as I have gotten older. When I get something deep down I want the suddenness to be instant but love knows no limits and I have to hold fast. The step of being happy alone will only strengthen a tie that started that night I saw him walk towards me. Will I be ok if it is nothing more than a friend, absolutely but I have a strong feeling I am not wrong.

So here is where my faith comes into. A request I have never really gone to God for. A gentleman. I decided this is up to my Father. The only one who knows pure joy and happiness and has stuck by my side even when I left Him standing there with His arms wide open. I am learning His timing is not mine and I have to know that life has thrown many obstacles in my way but I’m right here making it. Here I will leave it at a request of please, not too late God.

RES 

 

From The Soul Out

Kind of a funny story… this thing we like to call life sometimes, well just as soon as you begin going left. The rock of a right-hand swing steps right into your path. I have found a new view for the different lessons I decided to swallow the hard way. Every day and anyway I could possibly climb that rock, it never moved until I could see right through it. That seems to be the part where my sword of life demolished the boulder into the dust of joy encircling me. I had found my visions.

 

As a hider of myself, my whole being only connected within the bloodlines of others. It was easy to turn my back on those things I had always feared to face. Moments which had me build walls of nonpiercing metals around my soul, never to see the light of day. I had long forgotten each tormented feeling, I had learned to pick the perfect guidance to focus on. Getting carried away from all my pits of lava which was getting hotter and hotter with each choice. It was the moment I had a vision of all my past mistakes and hidden fears overtaking each blessed future I was so undeserving to even be a part of. I realized those little eyes looking at me, were deserving of so much more.

 

Even many decades in, I thought I knew me very well. I had a huge A-HA lightning bolt flash right through my soul. It was time. All walls fell, my eyes were wide open, my spirit began to sink fast. But, my soul. My soul began to soar so high. I looked back at the moments as each finger points to remember this and don’t forget the huge mistake of that, I realize not one of those fingers matters because it was my lesson. I see the outcome, I walk it second by second. I have decided to look at the positive side of all the hurts changing into stars of a wisdom passed through me. Without each one, my face would be so much different in so many ways. The humbling experiences would not be real, the true happiness would never be found.

 

Yes, the truth is I could have by passed somethings as others show me their views of my trips, by that is just it. Each one, mine. Beyond the control of the only stability within my life completely, I will be me. I will learn how to live again in a joyous way filled with the positivity of learning my own lessons. Allowing the depths of darkness from my mistakes past is no longer valid in my realm of life. As freedom hit every fiber inside, the uncontrolled need to run faded away. Releasing the chains that bound all my torments, which cemented my feet to the ground of sorrow and pain. No longer exist. Forgiveness is working its way through the memory bank of life, replacing the hurt with peace.

 

Peace has become my new favorite. My go to when jaws of past come to call. I promise if you learn to cut all the ties that do bind, you will feel the gentleness of life and all it has to offer. True happiness from the soul out is the true love everyone searches for.

RES

 

You Are Now My Angel Eyes

And just like that, you were gone. Words spoken of nothing but hate linger in my mind every day. Stabbing my brain like a jagged edge ripping into every burning thought. I try so hard to forgive myself every second the vial begins to rise but most moments I fail. It is the not knowing if you really knew how much I loved you. How much I will always love you.

Nights like this one, my heart shreds as if it was just as raw as that morning began. Listening to sounds that creep inside my soul to save me from my own drowning noises. At moment, they tend to drag me through the deepest of mud to the shallow sharp findings of rocks. My body sends me the signals when I need to just let go and repair. Eyes swollen of each memory both good and bad, trace my face like puddles of ponds keeping score, 10 steps forward, a million falls back. And here is where I sit for hours, fighting inside to eliminate all the hurt I know I caused. Skipping back over those with the scenes of complete joy in each other. Here follow all those dreams

Dreams of a new chapter within our lives. The chapters that continue to grow even when you are not here. The me then, is no longer here either. I allow the light to shine down on me but it is never a permanent fixture. The depths of this pain seeps through with a vengeance. Then I fall right back to the morning my new life began. Right to the moment, those words fell out without holding on. The moment the air in my lungs never returned again. A time when I never saw me again. I left with you. Every dream we cherished flew away with the life we had. That Moment.jpg

I see them sometimes. They come as little glimmers when I look into our grandchildren’s eyes. There are the moments of hope which begins to ignite inside of me. Surrounded by our children and watching their lives turn into beautiful works of art, flying high and growing strong. Each of them gives me the gift of you. A light in the seconds of deep drownings I tend to trip into. They hold me together more than I ever tell them.  Even not within the space, I swallow into, I look at snapshots and there is your eyes, or smile, or grin.  Oh, that grin. It always melted my heart and it still does with the burning memory of the first words you spoke to me.

And there it is again, the hurt, the pain, the tears hanging on to those vile hateful words piercing my spirit. So, as usual, I give in to the tears and lost dreams turned into amazing memories and turn to all the sounds we heard together. Guides me to all your favorites which trigger an event that gets the mind flowing again. Refusing to stop in the moment of despair, I hear the words “Love is all around you”. I believe it because with the next voice I remember our last dance together all because “You never let me go”.

This new way of life I have been given to live is so hard only because most of my life died with you. I only have my mind to carry each second with me. I try hard to not let those hateful things sneak into my thoughts to run over me, but some days I need the release of the pain. I need to remember to follow those tears to the rivers of memories we did create. The dreams may never hold your footsteps but watching you come alive with the actions of our family, little rays of those dreams attach to my heart and I think of you. Even as I sit here, dripping in a world of a moment’s grief, YOU are now my angel eyes!

Dedicated to my late husband: You are always on my mind, the only one for me, your all I need, I’ll never let you go! I love and miss you so much Brian.—-RES

Widows Walk Alone

I entered this step surrounded by those who tried to understand this world I had just begun to drown in. The world I never wanted to see. A newness of wonders I never planned on happening. I was hit with the frozen moments of despair. A new life as a widow. Completely learning this title from the ground up.

Words flowed out like the water of apologies to acts of uncomfortable tries of sympathy trying to crack thru the out shell I instantly put on full lockdown. Nothing was going to penetrate the vial I was holding onto. The feeling of complete autopilot covering my motions, while the dam is holding back emotions of tidal waves creating the biggest tsunami I had ever felt deep down, darkness took hold. The me I used to know just died along with him. I just left her with him forever.

This was a walk I can play over and over in my mind even 3 and a half years out. Waves of memories still paralyzed my heart, while the forgotten seconds leave my head in a fog. I reached for every place I could hide into. Not letting my surroundings become stale as to force any sign of movement of healing so far out of my way. I thought finding others like me would help. It did, to a point. 

After hearing the all too many cliche’ phrases to kill my spirit which will always last me a lifetime, I found the perfect place to mend my broken spirit where others go who know your name. They get it, they totally understand. Every feeling I wanted to scream, someone else seen it, sprayed it and totally mastered it. The meltdowns felt familiar, the dreams stayed the same. We all could release emotions others seem to think were unacceptable in their safe world. We lent our versions of how to heal from our steps of traveling in this path. 

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I would feel as if no one understood but someone would spill out there’s and yes it did help. But for me, I needed more. I needed someone who walked exactly in my shoes to dig out from the mud pit I began to take up roots in. I wanted it all to heal in my time, in my way. Not hearing suggestions because how could you understand, you see let me not share what I am afraid of, what I am hurting about, what failures I will walk with day by day. But please, tell me how to push it so far down, I stumble into my own self. And suddenly, that wall scarred me with the hottest iron that had ever pierced my soul.

I had made choices others seen as mistakes but they were mine. I had become half a person and trying to find my other half because of most of my living, breathing life, I was always half of 2. That 2 became one. Here I stood “Half”. Searching for a new way to move into the world I could not complete alone, but I can.

I was the widow who had to learn it alone. Yes, the guidance of those who truly understood helped when I chose to listen to the steps they took. I still had to make my own steps sometimes sinkholes to see the lesson my mistake made. The struggles had their moments of telling me who was in control. My need to drive every motive down its own path of destruction smacking in the face of a still growing family with others who lost a part of themselves too. You see that day, not only did I become a widow, I also became the only parent. Big pants to take on all broken and soaking in darkness. 

It has taken some strides and I am sure I will never fully recover because that one strong saying is so not true. Time does NOT heal ALL wounds. This is one I am sure every widow will agree. The scab does crust over, but it never truly heals. Many new occasions, life events, growing pains, and successes will all come and go. With each one that scab will fall off. Opening up the harshness of the reality, you are still the half alone. It does not become the mighty storm of your lifetime but It still forms tornados here and there. Even with every day bringing in a very brand spanking new moment in time, things will grow and new relationships will happen but I will always be the widow who had to do it alone. 

RES