Just Me

 

What would happen if I did open my heart again? Would it be shattered into so many broken pieces that glue would never find the correct edges to fix again? Or would I find the one who would hold the keys for the rest of my life? Terror of the thought due to choices past takes a hold of any thoughts creating any hopes of true happiness with another. The vision looks amazing in my mind, it’s the heart the stops the flow from forming.

Due to chances pass, I may have stepped out of my bounds and set fire to maybe the one chance I had which collapses those shots that come into my mind with the sheer torment of that face. How the shining of the lights kept the charm on. How the words flowed so freely as if years were moving very fast, minutes turned into the quickest glimpse of hope popped away. How are the forms of our worlds supposed to mesh together? It was a major block in my stopping motion.

I want a world where the life of happiness is such a sweet situation that will hold my life in folds of sweet blessings. But I fear so many changes that this major shift holds strong to my changes of refuge. Could it be I am allowing my fears to overkill the life I think I want? Or could it be it really was the wrong timing and person? For the secondary I guess only time will tell. So until then, I will try hard to wait patiently and be the happiest I am as just me.

RES

Theme Of My Amazing Life

I hear the words of the songs and my heart tears a bit. It is either a memory of times gone by or future dreams of times yet to come. Only a few will hold the presence of the now. That needs to be the sounds taking a hold of my ear. I need those sounds to guide me to the music of life filling the air with inspirations of happiness and love like none have ever felt. A pureness wanting to share with anyone who will listen. Oh, the wind blows and the notes flow across their hearts the way it touches mine.

I have crossed major floods and cleared mountain tops to find that sweet harmony that has brought me right here. Leaving me in a gentleness breeze with constant flowing wonders of which path to venture onto next. Yet it is funny how life will still throw an off tune effect here and there. Sometimes I do drop a tear for the life I had traveled on. The sites I had to endure tied into the joys of occasions that light up my world. Lifetime experiences which line the walls of my heart with rays of songs for each face the memory holds. A strand of blessings connecting the strings to the guitars of my universe. I do hear the drums that beat hard sending sorrow into motion like a hurricane of thoughts but I am soon hearing the sounds of the lights for the times I was blessed with.

In my world and life of music, I find how lost I can get in my own mind. It becomes a walk of different times of my life. I do realize how different this little bit of me is taking in different steps, but I write as I go and in the moment. I see and feel so much through the sound of songs and words to where my heart has learned to take it in and purge it out all at once. It has become a healing vise for me. A way to work through myself. A tool to stay on course, steading and forward because as times in the not so distant past I have failed. I wandered out of my own lines. I took the lead vocals and killed the sound in my own spirit. I broke.

And just like that, the sound was gone. Sending me back onto the path I was supposed to follow. The chorus came on and I heard the familiar sounds I had tucked away for moments where I slip on that slope of destruction, ropes pull tight and the harmonies begin to flow just right once again. The notes of happiness have appeared into my soul as if never left bringing nothing but joys of blessings. There is that smile, that hope, that faith I had long forgotten about. The forgiveness is much deeper when the meaning is found in a note being carried away in the sounds of memories of healing the scars.

Each day and new sound brings me to another level in life. One that is freeing inside and allowing all the inspirational tunes into a view I had never seen quite that way before. Every now and then a whistle will hit the right Soundwave and bring a tear to my eye but the daggers don’t cut as deep as they did before. In fact, they sometimes bring the noise of a giggle deep down making my soul smile so bright. New sounds are beginning to reach those levels and build mini rays of light, a feeling I have a long time relationship with and time to dance under the stars to the theme of my amazing life.

RES

My Worth Is Valuable

Loneliness takes over sometimes and handcuffs my heart to look into areas I do not belong in. I fight with all I have inside because I look back at what I found the past few times I ran with the feelings which were all superficial. Each feeling was of all human wants, not really where I was supposed to be. Ripping parts of my soul as each failed moment would pass by. The bleeding lasted for roughly two and a half years. The damage I thought was my life until my last breath. Thank God, I was wrong on so many levels. I just had to hit the very bottom of the cesspool.

I never really took authority very well. Controlling me was only to a particular point, after that I blocked you. It took me seeing the true colors coming to light when all I could do was look up to realize my worth still has amazing value and I am not settling. Taking back my life was very hard considering I had hidden from my own horrors for close to 46 years. A long time of running to stop dead in their tracks. I have seen the light reaching down for me and to see it was my own hand with Gods smile behind it, was the vision I needed to pull out.

So many times in life I looked for someone to fall into, making all my shattered pieces fade into the dark places and I thought they were gone. It took many to say what they were seeing in me to wake me up to a small position until one particular person revealed sights she had always seen in me for over 35 years. Tears fell so much that night but the clearing of all my storms cleared away. I have seen where I had been, where I was at that moment, and where I wanted to be. Mostly, I felt what God wanted me to feel and His visions come into view as He sees fit to show me.

It is still a very hard step being solo in life for the moment due to all those years of habits and comforts. Being uncomfortable and having patience is the most challenging habits I am having to learn to get used to. Yet with each new day, whatever it may bring, I see a step forward. It is still really hard and a struggle on some days where I slip backward but I have to learn baby steps. I am learning self-love is not vanity, it is knowing God’s value and seeing each fold as He sees me. I am learning to have faith in each moment that crosses my path. The light is now starting to outweigh the darkness and happiness are starting to overtake sorrow.

Minimize the negative and maximize the positive. God has never left me during every event of my life and He knows each one of my fears. I don’t know why it has taken me this long but now that I am seeing what real joy is all about, I am giving the wheel to God because I am blind to what He sees. Learn to love yourself for who He wants you to be and you will see the sweetness His joy brings into your own life.

RES

 

 

Emotional Walks OF A Widow

Right Here Is Where I Am

There comes a point in everyone’s life when everything comes to the front of your life. Causing all things from the past and present to make you see all your fears within one tiny view. The little torments you thought you left behind have now shown up front and center. Surrounded by the helpers of horrors present. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing can stand in their way. Marching forward, all walls blocking their every move crumbles like sands in time which has completely stopped until you realize your “only me” moment has now arrived. 

I have hit that perpetual wall full force with every disgusting artifact I walked away from, is unpacking each terrifying moment piece by horrible piece. I never thought I would have to face myself. I had locked that door many years ago. Long before the words, mommy entered my heart. Each memorable photo was wiped clean, or so I believed. I always found someone to shade me from the arms trying to creep their way into range. Sadly, my final hiding place now watches over me for going on 4 years now.

I tried to run away searching for the easy train to take me far away from the hell I was about to step into. My hell. This running ended with a major hit of torment of a new form taking control of me. I found no shadow to fall into. I had found the black hole. The effects corrupted by this movement almost gave my destiny an abrupt end. Except my past had other plans. I had found myself once again on that magical ride to lose myself in someone else’s world. 

My assignment was not complete and here was a new start in a better form. I can hide away to never see myself again. The magic began and disappeared in about the fasted amounts of speed light could ever endure. Grasping at straws I allowed myself to fall into others and this one very well. This one was different and I could not get my walls to come down but I was going to try. I had to get away. That time ended. I look into the eyes of myself on a much deeper level to where now I am in quicksand and darkness has begun to take over. No self-esteem left and I have hit fight or flight mode. Fight it is.

I hurt because I now see it is me I have always been battling for so many years. The pain of hurting the one who had my heart from the first sound of hello. The stabbing of my gut telling me what my mind was blocking my darkness from truly seeing which my heart ultimately won. To the nausea of finding me so much more into the negative world to which my life was heading into and I do not know how to stop it. To where I finally sit today knowing I have to face myself. 

I have allowed every single relationship in my life to override me deep down. But each and every relationship has brought the true “me” to look at me eye to eye and know I am her. As I sit alone taking in the silence I so desperately needed but never wanted, I hear the sounds of so many birds talking and singing and just loving every type of weather outside. I find myself gazing upon the wind blowing through each tree leave as to wave at me. Letting me know I am seeing every part. Each new sight pops another glowing bubble of emotion waiting to be set free. Each photo of memories past is starting to take form in lessons meant to be taught. I fill with tears once again.

Tears for the very first disappointments I took on as an infant shamed by someone who helps create my life, knowing I have to forgive this tormented soul to settle my own. Tears of heartache I would never wish upon someone I humanly believe deserves to feel this gut pulling bitterness of losing your spirit with every shovel of dirt dropped on life as you had known for so damn long. Tears of hurting so deep knowing the only person who can make me happy is who I have run from for so long my life actually is in jeopardy as my ultimate consequence. Tears for seeing every damaged part lost in the caves of all the steps I climbed into and yet knowing through every aspect of my world has flipped on it back leaving me right back where I belong. 

Right here is where I am. Holding hands with my inner self because I can not truly love completely without first loving me for exactly who I am. As I begin this step I have removed my names of who I always and forever will be: daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend, girlfriend, wife, mom, aunt, in-law, grandmother, widow. I am now in these moments of remembrance and going to restart the me “Rochelle”. Learning to be who I was and am created to be while taking marks off my soul of darkness and turning them point by point into light. 

As I begin unfolding the me of my life, please know that every angle will be taking a turn as I scrape away the pain with guidance only Jesus can provide. The view from the inside will be very difficult to just try to swim through so I will tiptoe foot by foot making sure all processes are washed over with the glow of happiness. I will ultimately wear the crown of inner happiness where the new scene only shines rays of pure, glorious joy. I know then and only then will the hurts of me will heal within the souls of others.

RES

You Are Now My Angel Eyes

And just like that, you were gone. Words spoken of nothing but hate linger in my mind every day. Stabbing my brain like a jagged edge ripping into every burning thought. I try so hard to forgive myself every second the vial begins to rise but most moments I fail. It is the not knowing if you really knew how much I loved you. How much I will always love you.

Nights like this one, my heart shreds as if it was just as raw as that morning began. Listening to sounds that creep inside my soul to save me from my own drowning noises. At moment, they tend to drag me through the deepest of mud to the shallow sharp findings of rocks. My body sends me the signals when I need to just let go and repair. Eyes swollen of each memory both good and bad, trace my face like puddles of ponds keeping score, 10 steps forward, a million falls back. And here is where I sit for hours, fighting inside to eliminate all the hurt I know I caused. Skipping back over those with the scenes of complete joy in each other. Here follow all those dreams

Dreams of a new chapter within our lives. The chapters that continue to grow even when you are not here. The me then, is no longer here either. I allow the light to shine down on me but it is never a permanent fixture. The depths of this pain seeps through with a vengeance. Then I fall right back to the morning my new life began. Right to the moment, those words fell out without holding on. The moment the air in my lungs never returned again. A time when I never saw me again. I left with you. Every dream we cherished flew away with the life we had. 

I see them sometimes. They come as little glimmers when I look into our grandchildren’s eyes. There are the moments of hope which begins to ignite inside of me. Surrounded by our children and watching their lives turn into beautiful works of art, flying high and growing strong. Each of them gives me the gift of you. A light in the seconds of deep drownings I tend to trip into. They hold me together more than I ever tell them.  Even not within the space, I swallow into, I look at snapshots and there is your eyes, or smile, or grin.  Oh, that grin. It always melted my heart and it still does with the burning memory of the first words you spoke to me.

And there it is again, the hurt, the pain, the tears hanging on to those vile hateful words piercing my spirit. So, as usual, I give in to the tears and lost dreams turned into amazing memories and turn to all the sounds we heard together. Guides me to all your favorites which trigger an event that gets the mind flowing again. Refusing to stop in the moment of despair, I hear the words “Love is all around you”. I believe it because with the next voice I remember our last dance together all because “You never let me go”.

This new way of life I have been given to live is so hard only because most of my life died with you. I only have my mind to carry each second with me. I try hard to not let those hateful things sneak into my thoughts to run over me, but some days I need the release of the pain. I need to remember to follow those tears to the rivers of memories we did create. The dreams may never hold your footsteps but watching you come alive with the actions of our family, little rays of those dreams attach to my heart and I think of you. Even as I sit here, dripping in a world of a moment’s grief, YOU are now my angel eyes!

Dedicated to my late husband: You are always on my mind, the only one for me, your all I need, I’ll never let you go! I love and miss you so much Brian.—-RES

Wise Moments

It Was You

You were my weakness, my teenager jumping to surface to feel the air on her face. You were my freedom of walking away from the hurt. You were my savior for a never ending rebirth. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I saw you, It was you.

You feed the need deep down inside, my darkness fights to hide. You kept my waves completely savaged,, twisting each grain of mixed emotion. You were the answer to all the desires I had dreamed of, to escape this thing called destiny. You were the moment I should have never turned.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I heard you. It was you.

You kept me holding on along the tides of ropes dragging my heart in shreds. You helped me disconnect to what was screaming without a sound. You were all the wonders of so many years that needed out. You were my reasons to give up and check out. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I smelled you. It was you.

You took the me who needing saving, piercing each bloodline severing all to see what was true. You kept a hold of the me who understood, when to look and when to run or when to stay, paralyzed I felt the need to see it through. You were the captures of moments left to make my own mistakes.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I felt you. It was you.

You helped me connect to parts I tucked away. You were the key to a life I had erased. You were the gather of all the laughs my heart locked away. You were the me I needed before I walked away.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I truly seen you, It was you.

Now, I find the answers to all the questions unexplained. I can hold each tear I cry and feel your name. All my lessons still sting with many new memories I can never change. You were the reason for my escape of damages I could never restate. You added to my heart’s new cage. You were the me from many worlds ago but gave up on faith. 

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I lost you. It was you.

This me will always see the hidden you behind the face. Me will always thinks of your embrace. Me to understand what you left unsaid. Me taking in the you I was meant to take. Me a better part of the you shining bright.

I believed it was all so very true the very moment I loved you. It was you.

RES

Widows Walk Alone

I entered this step surrounded by those who tried to understand this world I had just begun to drown in. The world I never wanted to see. A newness of wonders I never planned on happening. I was hit with the frozen moments of despair. A new life as a widow. Completely learning this title from the ground up.

Words flowed out like the water of apologies to acts of uncomfortable tries of sympathy trying to crack thru the out shell I instantly put on full lockdown. Nothing was going to penetrate the vial I was holding onto. The feeling of complete autopilot covering my motions, while the dam is holding back emotions of tidal waves creating the biggest tsunami I had ever felt deep down, darkness took hold. The me I used to know just died along with him. I just left her with him forever.

This was a walk I can play over and over in my mind even 3 and a half years out. Waves of memories still paralyzed my heart, while the forgotten seconds leave my head in a fog. I reached for every place I could hide into. Not letting my surroundings become stale as to force any sign of movement of healing so far out of my way. I thought finding others like me would help. It did, to a point. 

After hearing the all too many cliche’ phrases to kill my spirit which will always last me a lifetime, I found the perfect place to mend my broken spirit where others go who know your name. They get it, they totally understand. Every feeling I wanted to scream, someone else seen it, sprayed it and totally mastered it. The meltdowns felt familiar, the dreams stayed the same. We all could release emotions others seem to think were unacceptable in their safe world. We lent our versions of how to heal from our steps of traveling in this path. 

I would feel as if no one understood but someone would spill out there’s and yes it did help. But for me, I needed more. I needed someone who walked exactly in my shoes to dig out from the mud pit I began to take up roots in. I wanted it all to heal in my time, in my way. Not hearing suggestions because how could you understand, you see let me not share what I am afraid of, what I am hurting about, what failures I will walk with day by day. But please, tell me how to push it so far down, I stumble into my own self. And suddenly, that wall scarred me with the hottest iron that had ever pierced my soul.

I had made choices others seen as mistakes but they were mine. I had become half a person and trying to find my other half because of most of my living, breathing life, I was always half of 2. That 2 became one. Here I stood “Half”. Searching for a new way to move into the world I could not complete alone, but I can.

I was the widow who had to learn it alone. Yes, the guidance of those who truly understood helped when I chose to listen to the steps they took. I still had to make my own steps sometimes sinkholes to see the lesson my mistake made. The struggles had their moments of telling me who was in control. My need to drive every motive down its own path of destruction smacking in the face of a still growing family with others who lost a part of themselves too. You see that day, not only did I become a widow, I also became the only parent. Big pants to take on all broken and soaking in darkness. 

It has taken some strides and I am sure I will never fully recover because that one strong saying is so not true. Time does NOT heal ALL wounds. This is one I am sure every widow will agree. The scab does crust over, but it never truly heals. Many new occasions, life events, growing pains, and successes will all come and go. With each one that scab will fall off. Opening up the harshness of the reality, you are still the half alone. It does not become the mighty storm of your lifetime but It still forms tornados here and there. Even with every day bringing in a very brand spanking new moment in time, things will grow and new relationships will happen but I will always be the widow who had to do it alone. 

RES

The Weakness I Always Hold Inside

Quite a bit circles my mind. I think on ways judgment is called out from us. Yes, all of us. Not only to ourselves but all too often upon others. Blinded by the subject is really a sadness build off that weakness is a part of our ultimate demise. It is our own fears coming into the light of the world but attached to an unknown individual the other emotions inside of us have not grasped onto yet. Leaving the fear all alone. The only option is to throw it on the leech sucking wound of their weakness, to make your own mind justified. Sadly, this repeated circle in our world has become a way of life.

This has created so many evils and darkness floating around. Some had the blessing for grasping the positive emotion very early in life. Making those others feel an early taste of the weakness that will hurt the most. Appearances seem to show strength where those masks which hide such deep hurts from the first open wound. Terms begin to form “you never know what they are going through”. Making each word on the scene. Ready to speak it out but refuse to hear it in. What once was born pure as an emotion could be, learned the differences between you and me. 

Every day each new step stumbles upon another fold of faked smiles and false hopes. Questions arise with each process. Why does this have to be? When will I learn to let go? It takes more than one mind to tie the rope upon the docks. Because within the moment your footing seems so strong, the storms of life come in. Washing away the anchors of life where no holds are attached. Yet once in a lifetime, you meet your other half. 

Weakness retakes its place front and center. Is this the line we had to enter? Taking a step back and looking around. There is the other piece I forgot I had found. Here, hide with me. Together we can determine all of our destiny. Show them exactly where they are supposed to go, it will help us feel higher when we have nowhere to go. How long with this insane enlighten feeling remain? I know the sharp heavy weighed down feeling will meet me again. 

It is a vicious cycle we will witness and join every day. Some will see it and try to correct. Most will clearly use it as its forever host. I am not sure when or where or how this will ever change. I personally have tried every day. Really have I truly, though? I know I am not the only one I know who has had a momentary lapse of reason. Yet I seem to have longer dips in the depths of each tornado of my own mind. Paralyzing the very essence controlling my spirit. I have to remember to look for the ray of light, moment by moment. 

Because of my weakness latching onto others that hooked me so young, my shield of healing has not been allowed in my sight. I hold back the positives to keep me up each day. But I allow just enough to keep my breathing going every single day. Those are my happy spots I look into to crash the tides I hide. I am happy to say I tried it once, that scene or those words will never go away. I may see the edge but I refuse to jump. It is very steep and sharp and begging to be touched. My heart hurts for those who fell into its clutch. The ones who never allowed the positive of a word from a loved one’s touch. 

When the moment comes to never want anyone to feel the hurt, pain, struggles. The gains your mind body and soul have learned becomes a brand new you. Then maybe the words of judgment may shorten every day. At least to those who used to be the ones only in aim. The mirror reflects it back, forcing you to see the pits you can not escape. You realize the damage you created. Then fester in the filth of the world your mind has created. Some can never find that stable ground. Sadly those are the ones who never wanted to be found. Only those who understand and master their major weakness can see. We are normally to close to read the words they give us day to day. I live in this emotions day after day. 

If you happen to be one of my unlucky emotional twins, I apologize for the voices that set within. These moments will teach us our sight is never blind. We have to hold on to the tiny flashes of hope. Those are the anchors holding onto the ropes of our hearts where our joys and happiness keep us afloat. Stop letting our weaknesses to refocus our facts. Maybe if I can show others the change I need inside, those judgment calls will turn into fires of uplifting notes of happiness. What a view that could be. Maybe if we each take one step a day to learn a more positive way, we could make that mental light for others to grow. I want the voices I hear since those who gave into the pits, to be used to help others reaching out for a hand to pull them in. 

It is really hurting deep inside of me. Suicide from anything bully or not is an extremely damaging repair for those who understand but hard for the ones who has always held their hand. Seeing it from both sides, I need for the lights I hold so far inside to guide me to a happiness for me. The only one I can truly change and follow from deep inside. I want my little rays of light to hold its true meaning of hope for others to see I am only as weak as I feel. 

RES

 

 

Serenity, Peace From Within

Seems life likes to take twists and turns all without warning. Leaving a wake of hurt and torment in its path of destruction. But on the other side is the pure bliss of serenity. Reaching down deep enough, nothing short of pure utter joy can be connected. 

I know each experience I have crawled through has pushed every fiber of my being to almost extinction. Thinking I was all alone. Not one soul could understand the pits of hell laying beneath the fake smile, I had never adorned before. Showing emotions I would never show just any family member, let alone a stranger. Yet there I was drowning in the sess pool of wretched horror, watching what I thought was my life; Severed! I could not hear the words forming to my hearing because my mind stopped at that very moment I saw the doctor coming towards me. Thoughts of peace flew away as I fell deep inside myself. 

Suffering in silence is exactly what I began. I would not allow others to see how weak I had become. I tried so hard to run away from the pain and discomfort. I had never wanted to be surrounded by other humans as much as I needed it right then. The quiet was stabbing realizing this is where you are. Nothing can turn back the clocks, change the outcome, nor give the aggressive language back. In this spot is right where I belonged. 

Of course, I have learned to walk forward. Jumping other major hurdles. Landing on my butt more times than I care to admit. Long talks with my Saviour to try my hardest to understand most of the why’s. Even most of them have strings of wonder hanging from them. So I learned my way of maneuvering through this new found chapter. It’s a major rough draft, which I am positive will never fully be completed. I am ok with that, as for now. 

Despite the pain so bad, I understood how the tin man felt. Except, I did not want my heart. It had taken time and walking through fires and hills, finally grasping serenity can only come from within. Time for its release. Surrender to the calmness climbing the walls of my heart and soul and push forward. A daily message I must listen to.

With time, patience and positive strides to allow the serenity to be exposed. Freeing my spirit to gather all the encouraging lights, filling my life with every step. I do stumble most of the time, but stronger as I rise up. Showing the advancement of change to keep up with the path coming to my feet. A light is shining so very bright as rays kiss through the dark corners. It is a sweet release I have begun to feel. 

Time does not heal all wounds, sometimes it is learning to look at a different clock and readjust my mind to get past the mountain. I understand not one day will be the same as another. Potholes will form, but it does not mean I have to wallow in the puddle. I learned to jump, splash, smile and move forward. My journey may have been and continue to be full of hard times but my final episode turns out as planned. My serenity is embedded deep within. 

Above The Depths Of The Dark Crevasses Is The Light, Latch Onto It.

I noticed how much I have taken for granted. Seems all my life I wondered around thinking how unfortunate others had it, whilst I never suffered those problems. Mother of 6 and not having the emotions other mothers had already achieved. Until it all started to flow downhill, the speed of light could not keep up.

I had my first direct encounter with death in 08. Yes, I had known others some close but far enough away, I could block the major pain. Not this time, it was my papa. Watching him turn from such life, strong filled with happiness and joy every time I saw him. To a very fragile man needing to be cared for with every breath all the way until the end. That was very hard to watch and added a hard knot in my gut which never went away. 

Life took over, a few more passing then bam a major hit took place. My father in law. I knew this day would take a hold of my husband and never let go. Watching this man melt into a pool of tears not knowing where to turn with such pain, I had no idea what to do or say. This was very hard. But nothing had prepared me for the sucker punch coming. The moment I split into two and never returning back.

I had forever been changed because of my life as I knew it was done, chapter closed, no moving forward.  It was a moment in time I replay over and over again. A moment I never imagined would happen, my husband was gone. Looking into this life that never stopped even for a second, lifeless, complete, done and gone. An extreme measure of confusing melted with numbing pain crusted over with anger and hate added to being an explosion no matter who was in front of me. 

The vileness welled up inside of me spilling over when my volcano erupted. Not one person was spared. It took many moons to get to the acceptance stage and then onto trying to heal. Still spewing words of nastiness when the darkness would take over.  I tried to lock myself away from everyone, seeing those days I never thought it could happen to me or my family. I added those visions of shame on my head and allowed them to fester deep. Why did I think I was protected from life’s changes? What made me think I was that special?

It all set in to take up residence in my heart, I dove deep into the other direction trying to fix one person at a time. Talk about epic fail and back to square one. Except I am going to add an extra factor of another relationship in and fix it from the start. Wow, do I hear myself? Apparently not since here I am trying to fix me again. 

Like the Grand Canyon, we all have deep crevasses of emotions from life changes that we forget how minute they truly are compared to the vast mountains surrounding them. Those glimmers of hope that seem so giant, no one will ever reach them. But, yet they do. I was sinking into my own crevasses, I forgot I was almost to the top of the mountain. Those fog horns were not loud enough for me to see, but oh, how I see it all now.

 

Looking around, I can see the happiness waiting for me to grasp it. Hold on as tight as I possibly can. Yes, I have finally caught up to those thoughts from long ago, I am not special or tucked away from what may come. I am, however, learning to see the grapes amongst the broken vines. I can see just because I may be down, I am so not out. Life changes daily, it is just the big explosions that jar us off course. Forcing our eyes open to what is of value.

As I sit here today, still very broken but I am so not done. I have so much to see, learn, and do, I am not ready to stop pushing forward. I want to be the one who helps those who seem to be stuck where I have been. I want to be able to point out my blessings as they come, instead of digging into the rut of the mess. Just as the crater formed the Grand Canyon, I will let the craters of my life transform me into a beautiful sight to see from every view.  I will begin with the deepest darkest point, my heart. 

Hear the music playing? Guess my mood?

Don’t you just love the sound of over the top loud music where you are bellowing out to your favorite song, ignoring anyone within the sound of you? Does it not fill your complete being of such comfort to release any minor to any major mood you are swimming in right at that divine moment? Does it give you the control to either stay put digging in deeper or go the opposite and relive all of it at once? I guarantee I am not on a solo here, way more musical moods out there.

Long, long ago as a very young girl, my love for music had already been sown deep down in my soul.  A passion so strong I just knew I was going to be a singing sensation of a lifetime. Then I woke up, shy girls stay quiet, well in front of crowds.  I tend to lock myself in my big size boxes of rooms or vehicles, killing every sound of noise beyond earshot with my mood of choice. And 9 times out of 10 I will be trying my best to over sing that amazing voice of Carrie Underwood. Then I get distracted with either a look of “mmmm could you possibly turn it down so I can breathe?” Or my favorite, those who choose to join in as I refer to my backup singers, knowing fully well they are competing for my spotlight. Not to leave out my favorites were the ones who stood in the background without my knowledge and just listen, melt my heart.

Of course, you can see a little snippet of history there but I have to add I was not always so free ranged in music or so I thought.  I did not realize how deeply rooted the musical choice I made due to where exactly my emotions lay within that very second. Teenage years, I was the loved all the 80’s junky until “Big Hair” took over, then add a boyfriend who is a country boy from Hank Jr.s “Rowdy friends”, who also chose to introduce me to the “Buttermilk Biscuits” world of rap. Yes, I was a bit confused but I felt that twist in my gut when all the different sounds began to tie into emotions. Boy did I start to broaden my horizons. See at that time, I did like my traveling with my aunt music. I mean who doesn’t like Alabama, “ROLL ON”.

Many ages later, some of those same familiar road maps have added a complete 3 generations of musical bliss in every vehicle. Adding to the long list of musical moods such as sounds of “Jack and Diane” with Mellencamp in his “Pink houses” to Gnash declaring the “I Love You, I Hate You” issues coming on board. Traveling necessities include a mandatory sidekick DJ. Unlike my younger days on the road with my aunt, I picked up and raised mine with my daddy’s ways of “it’s loud because I say so”, mentality. I am honored to say I have passed on the torch. 

Now I am in grandparent stage of life where “no, I do not want to build a flipping snowman”. I want to teach you to carry on the tradition of singing your full heart out. I want you to learn to show off your musical moods with pride. Funny how a 2-year-old can pick up on this notion. Little head starts to bob, foot shaking, and he’s off dancing as a little youngin can, and right then I am in grandma love land and we got ballads of Mariah Carey playing in the background. Ok, so I do play a little into their world of Disney’s magical music, I have to show them young a multitude of music genre.

Every life lesson, memory, and experience have a musical memory connected to my heart. It is my stress reliever, mood booster, deep down hardcore let out all the anger bellowing songs I can reach my center core. This sweet release has been my life partner since the first time my papa sang my favorite hymn to date “When sings my soul, my savior God to thee, How great thou art, How great thou art” to the sweet voice of Tim McGraw because truly “The highway don’t care” to Bruno Mars helping Mark Ronson getting everyone to watch the “Uptown Funk” and we are with DJ Snake when he questions”Turn down for what” because there is no such thing as too loud.

At this point of the chorus, I am sure you realize I am a musical mood inclined singer from way back. I do not plan on changing this factor of my soul. By now, those who do not understand, need to grab some tunes and sing because it’s a wave a life you do not want to miss. To all my fellow bellows out there, let’s continue to teach all the array of music genre from past, present, and future to all the generations to come. Because truly without every area of music, sounds would be just plain boring. Sing loud, sing proud and let the musical mood torch carry on.

RES

Your unspoken words tell me how bad I hurt you.

Words of vomit spilled over into your world when all you gave me was unconditional love. Always looking at me with soft and gentle favor. I took it in one second and crushed us. Funny how the taste of it makes me want to die.

I have always pushed away those who love me the most especially during moments of anger and disappointment. I am sure I blew up the mothership now. If only I could turn back time and reverse the damage I have caused you. I see how my sharpened words have destroyed your soul. Passing each other as if our home was a business and we are complete strangers. It is killing me because I do not know how to fix it. Hell, I have been shattered most of my life. Now I am seeing my actions slamming my heart into turmoil. 

Where do I begin? How do I show you I do love you completely and that I was so wrong? I hate seeing the loathing I have created in someone so caring and loving. Leaving nothing but darkness in your wake. I know it is my dissecting of your heart causing this huge hole where love used to be. I can tell when you look at me the pain setting deep in your soul and I am so terrified love will never be allowed to return. 

I understand the reasoning for my walls around my heart but I do not understand why I allow such hate to arise when love was all I was given. Fear of losing you has created a blockage even rushing water of a tsunami could not break. My past has overcome my future in horrendous ways which may bring my fears of forever alone to life. Creating such a discomforting atmosphere brings a twist to my gut and tears to my eyes because my actions proved I can only hate as strong as you can love. 

How can I love someone when I limit the love in myself to grow? How can I find the words to mend your broken heart and never damage it again? I am not sure I will ever find the words to prove it. I pray this will heal and I can show you how dynamic you are in my life. I want to show you how much you are valued and how much of an asset you are to my heart. Will the day come where forgiveness takes over, healing all the damage that has been done? 

At this moment, nothing looks like it will ever be fixed. So as I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes, heart in pieces and thoughts of never being in your loving arms again, I will hold on to the moments where everything was perfect between us. Hoping in the near future we will be us again. I want to be the changed woman who you are so happy to come home to. The woman you want to have on your arm in every location in life. If this is an impossible due to the damage I have caused, then I hope and pray you find the love of your life who never damages the look you share. Love is the true perfection your look gives at least until I stole it and stomped it into the ground unburied but totally humiliated. 

For all the damage I have caused, sorry is not big enough to gather and correct. Actions instead of words are what I need to perfect, hopefully showing you all the value you bring to my life. Until then, no matter the outcome, I will strive to complete within myself. Maybe, just maybe these actions will show you I can show you all the love you deserve and more. But for now, all I can say is, I am so very deeply and truly sorry for every hurtful, damaging, self-harming, undeserving spews of evil I allowed to flow into your heart. 

RES

It’s the deafening sound that hurts the most.

I have managed to completely destroy every person I come into contact with. It doesn’t matter what they do, I always screw it up. 

Being in a state of turmoil for years has had my brain bound by needles of pain. I build up walls to keep others out but it only lets my wounds fester. I soon show how much hate has erupted inside and it flows like burning hot lava to all those who love me. Creating a mess no one should have to clean up. 

I thought my walls were tightly closed but that does not matter. It spills out anyways. Nothing like stomping on the hand that feeds your heart. Giving the pain away to someone who has only enhanced your life but I want to make them bleed. I push so hard the other way when they run I try to fix it. This time maybe just the perpetual icing on the nastiest of vomit cakes ever.

For years I have known of this mess I am in, I have welcomed it with open arms and been stung every time. But I do not listen to the screaming sirens telling me to stop. I just burrow down and hold on for the ride of here is your piece of not me. I do so much damage, I kill any reflection of peace and love right in front of my face. I do not know how to jump off this carousel of hate.

I am not brand new to life of hurt and pain. A widow for over 3 years and losing a boyfriend to suicide has taught me unimaginable issues I grip too with all I have. The problem is I have let it all take over. I have managed to take any love my way and smack it down with fear and pain. Will this ever deepening pain stop controlling my every thought?

A man so different from my functions of life has loved me from day one. Of course, he makes me happy but do I show it, hell no. Instead, I look for any imperfections I do not like, also linked to past issues, and crush every idea of helping him see his worth without those needs. I mean seriously. He is living with the 7 dwarfs of psychotics of my unbreathable crutch. Somehow I expect his life to be different while I am flying high on a downward spiral. Demanding truth when all he sees is the wild contradiction I portray. 

How do I fix this nasty beast inside my mind and evict it for good? How do I fix the brokenness I have caused to someone whose heart is so awesome? Letting out such anger and hurt. Sitting in my own filth because I can not get past the negative growth in my own brain. Functioning day today on the what-ifs of my life instead of look in front of you and see the happiness waiting with open arms. Maybe this smack in the face is a wake-up call that being alone is all I will ever get. 

I sit here not knowing what to say or do to prove he is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. He has loved me in my darkest moments of tearing him down along with my self-loathing hate. I am frightened by the sound of my own thoughts and I expect him to suck them up without question. Showing him all my hate instead of how happy he really makes me. Proving my words are only just air. 

I do not know where it will go from here but I know I may have just lost the one who loves me unconditionally. If that is the case so be it. I brought it on myself. For the moment, I pray God will break me down so low, the only thing I would be able to see is the light He has given me. Maybe I can show the man I do love with all my heart and soul, the woman he deserves to be with. If not, I hope and pray he does find someone worth his love because no matter what I have said or done to damage it, his love is the real deal. 

RES

Chelle’s words

I have a very creative mind. Sharing was never my strong suite for this introverted person. I had lost my love of writing when life happened. Just over two years ago. The words began to crawl out of my head to an almost ant-like composer of speed. I love the use of play on words. The imagination flowing into every orifice of your mind. Leaving no thought left behind. I have developed a blog using all of my experiences to guide my words. They are very deep in emotional connects to me. So sometimes they appear in poems.  

I have become stronger in my writing since my first post. I will continue to grow in my post with every word. I like a challenge in the work field. I work very well under a deadline. I welcome constructive criticism as well as shown a better way. If it helps me grow in my writers walk. Then please help me run.

Rocshell71.wordpress.com

Chelle71poems.wordpress.com

If you need writings of any kind, I am on the job.  Email me with subject “WORK NEEDED”.

rocshell71@gmail.com

 

Through The Storm While Fractured, I Will Rise

I hear the sound of people trying so hard to lead a perfect formation in within their human life. Battered, broken and bruised we tend to seek the fixation of happiness which tends to seep out a very little at a time. Before you know it, the ugliness of depression starts to settle in as an unwelcomed guest.  For most, it becomes a battle trying to find the good to be the good all the while knowing this simple satisfaction will never be.

See, we tend to conjure up this hope of being godly perfect within the world of lost and confusion. Growing up this meant a firm religion was the necessary means to seek out goodness.  Here’s a major crack in that thought process, it does not exist. Contrary to what storytellers of the religious background, have told you. The Holy Creator, God knows we will never be perfect.

Here is another flaw we seem to continue to tell ourselves, we have to clean up our act. Walk a straight fine line, do not fall, ever. This is our only chance to prove to our Heavenly Fathers acceptance. Come on, the only way He will love me is if I am walking perfectly. What a scary thought. I mean seriously. Parents, how many of you take notches out of the love emotion towards your children for every single wrongdoing they do? Think about this weird idea. It is not possible.

So why do you insistent on the whole, I must walk the fine line because this is the only way God knows I am for Him. Formal, organized religion. Makes this Christian cringe inside. Look at the facts, they are written in the same book, these political religion chiefs’ create all these confusing emotions. Which in turn creates all the patching marks of our hearts because we open it up, oops the wrong move. Band-aid it, float up again. It is the never ending circle of damage this part, it’s untouched and another band-aid appears again.

Think back in time, Sunday school for some when you heard all about Jesus. All the different experiences He was walking through. Now, count how many of these humans Jesus gathered into a building to go over reasons why this guideline for this branch of Christians is to follow? Give up…. ZERO.

I’ll give you another brick to throw through all seeing window of must be perfect walking in order for God to want me. Jesus did not go to the so-called perfect walking humans. He went (notice the word) to societies standards lowest of the lows. He did not send a word out to the prostitute to stop her acts of sin and then come to ME. He went and protected her, are you ready for this, the prostitute being stoned, Jesus put up His hands and spoke to the judgemental sinners to stop covering up the stone throwers sins by stoning her. It does not work this way.

Just for clarification, Jesus went to the sin-filled prostitute who was being judged by other sinners and protected her from harm. I am not sure how I can make this any clearer but I am going to try.

I believe we need fellowship to continue to grow the love bond which connects us to our Holy Father. Giving us a stronger hold to bring our unbelieving, falling from faith searching, brothers and sisters back into the area we were created for. I am the church, my word Christian means I have a one on one relationship with Jesus. This also means my gifts from God are different than yours, same goes on and on. So I will have to go out using the tools provided by my Holy Father.

Maybe if others out there like myself will start to have that inner glow feeling of complete and exquisite calming peace which will open your spirit to all the wonders God is showing you. Then, at least for me, and only then will you get your purpose and the worry (a sin) of being “good” for God will be a vanishing thought soon forgotten.

RES

I Knew I Would Find You!!

Starting out in school, typing was actually a very fun class for me. Learning how to use a typewriter for different looks or margin lines, lists that could go on and on. Once having mastered that task, it was onto the next phase of typing, welcome to the world of computers. Yes, it was a welcome because at this time you had to use DOS, not the internet. Yet I started stepping up the brick pavement to aim me towards the here and now. 

A turning point where thoughts along with fingertips and keyboards collide. Just when you think you have the new, updated edition of whatever social site has, they go and change it again. For instance, Skype. I have a really good use with this particular connection to the cyber world of seeing you face to face, while an ocean flows between us. Had not used this for about two years now, to my surprise, having to find someone for a job offer put my brain in full motion.  Gave me a redeeming ah-ha moment. 

You see, here is the thought, once you think you know it all. Start to finish, beginning to the end that it, complete, finito. Guess what, WRONG. I was separated from my mind for a long period of time. Just over two years ago, I started to explore and allow words to flow out and it has not stopped. So not wanting to write every word, every moment I wanted to write. My fingers hit the keys. I have been on fire ever since. With my toes now beginning to submerge into a full on the writing career, my brain is soaking in every depth defying moment of learning.  I can feel the curves and twist forming in my head. Such a rush. Such an amazing feeling of unique accomplishments. 

The career market is only just under a two-month mark for me, but I have learned so much doing research articles or reviews for different schools to reviews for different companies or software. I feel so emotional when I write because this has been a passion I divorced before my 20s. Now that I have remarried this love, so rich and fulfilling, I am going to enjoy every single mind changing moment and I will have every word within my grasp to showcase each milestone. Such an exquisite portfolio I must say, but after all, I am partial. 

Just Like That

And

Just Like That

The words you meant to say can never be voices

Every thought pulls to the moment in time

What ifs begin to pour out begging crys for

Just

One more Moment

Gone

Just Like That

Redst2t

10.18.20

The Beginning Of The Old Me

From the first time, I can actually remember, my trust of others started at such a very young age. An age where you learn how love is supposed to be by the ones responsible for you. My walls started building before I was a year old. The major one had reached epic heights in my late teens. My reaching out stopped.

Over the course of my life, I have managed to trust very limited amount of people. Very few saw the raw me, meaning every emotion including my pure joyous one. The emotion I only gave to those who proved in my soul, will not damage it. This was a learned habit. This habit caused me to lose my happiness in others.

I was happy in life, don’t get me wrong but I was not happy with me. I never thought of myself as a person who really cared what people think of me, don’t get me wrong, I really don’t. But on the other hand, I don’t want to be perceived as a negative, unloving woman neither.

For so many years, I was terrified of the repeat of hurt and disappointments, I allowed that to drive me. Fear is no longer driving my emotions into a corner. I look back at the moments where I know happiness was genuinely there. The glimmers are turning into rays. Holding each one, while merging with new ones, shoes me loving myself has truly been missed.

 

RES 7-17-18

Precious Time

Have you ever stopped to look around at the world and wonder when will it all slow down to take in every second you breathe? If you are anything like me, you can see we live in an “I want it right now, society”. Sadly this holds true for every turn of events in every walk of life. Jobs, houses, cars, relationships. Yes, mainly relationships.

Today meeting someone is right at the tips of our fingers. I will say after being “off the market” for 23 years of my life, this was a scary thought. Depending on your personality, you will meet someone either online, at an event like a bar or trip or whatever the case maybe but how fast did you want to know everything about that person immediately? For me, that feeling came on instantly.

The negative, yet positive feeling lead me into a few rough spots in this life. I decided it was time for me to take a break. Take me time and learn who I am and what I want for my future in every aspect. Lots of tears, digging, laughing and learning later, I found myself, alone. But I was not alone. I see the value of happiness deep down and so I moved forward into trying again mode.

As to my surprise, not, the old familiar feeling was coming around again. So I listened to a different voice and began to hear the words from the person on the other side. Meeting a few with whom many friendships have formed, but this precious time is so different. I can see now why the rush of the need to know instantly, is so much more in-depth and soul-gripping than ever. Well worth the time put in.

RES

Changes Are Blessings

On life’s journey, I have many times where I thought I wanted to check out. As another year ends, I pondered on my life from a full 365 days view. Let me tell you, I am very proud of where I am right now.

You see the beginning of 2017, I was so deep in self-pity, I could not see the fullness of myself because I allowed the clouds to rain down on me. I thought all my of mistakes were my final destination until the moment I realized I either sit in the mess and wallow forever. Or I wake up and learn the lessons and what I am not doing to change them. Life had slapped me in the face. I woke up.

I realized my potential lies in my own belief of who I really am. It was not about who I was or who I wanted to be. It was about being the person who longed to be seen in the face of a world full of negativity. I didn’t want to be conformed to that pain. I wanted to learn how to walk beside the painful situations, grab the hands and pull them into a positive light where despair made hope feel so far away.

This did not come easy. Many storms raged within me and so many tears shed with thoughts of quitting but I was on a determined mindset. I will see these changes as my blessings. Believe me, the transition was not a pleasant one. I had moments where I wanted to retreat but I decided those were the times I had to push harder and stronger.

I reached the top of my hurdle, I found the highlights to keep me red zoning forward. Life was not going to rip me apart anymore. I will have my bumps in the road but I will put it in four-wheel drive, bog down and keep going. I look for the sparkles in my future and realize I am living for the now. I am going to do everything with a positive view.

As the new year has just begun, I feel so happy with how far I have come. Seems like so much time was in pain but to be on the shinier side of things is really helping me see all the blessings I have always had and the new ones who appeared at the right time. I will now view that changes are blessings. Some will be just clearer to see up front, the others will teach me the values.

RES

Yes, You Are Who You Are

Going thru the worst parts of my life has given me more focus since I have reached the other side. What was meant to tear me down and paralyze me, has only enhanced my drive for the challenge. My experiences have made others simply cringe, while others seem to fall about on behalf of me. Their words held tight to my heart, giving me the joy to keep going forward. Yet, there were few who wanted to see me sink into their lives of torment from all the pain they refuse to let go of. This became my determination.

I have had so many hard times during my childhood into my young adult life. I pushed thru all of them, hiding them away from my future. Mostly, I succeeded in the holdings. Until the moment I became a widow. Then all my weaknesses were uncovered for all to see. My raw emotions I had learned to silence began to scream out for attention. This began my spiral to a life so out of control, I never wanted to touch the ground.

I allowed myself to put my self-worth in all the hopelessness and self-mutilation because truly, I hated what I had no choice to become. This ground I could see was nothing more than the black hole I wanted to become. Every pain of any event in my life slapped me so hard across the face. I could not stop the forces it created. Therefore I watched myself spin so far out of control for years. Until the final words pulled the exhausting rope and I found me, hurt broken horrified yet all of me.

You will never be anything more than a piece of shit laborer. Words that pierced into the deadening of my heart so hard, I took charge of everything I had to go through and stopped them from trying to kill me. This words may very well pointless to most and may seem extremely harsh for a lot, I’ll explain. I am a mindful user. I was a labor, yes, but I need to use my mind. These words came from a very hurtful, manipulative person. At that moment my battle began.

I finally felt the bottom ground. I had finally seen the most exquisite ray of light shining up at me as if to say “Yes, you are who you are”. I stepped on the battlefield knowing exactly every sword to fly, every shot to take, every bomb to set off to get to the woman I am complete. I will be whole again. I will become everything I want to be and every piece I was always meant to be. I will cross every line to success and prove to only myself, my value and worth. I am going to be happy inside because I am allowed to be.

Those malice words which were meant shatter me to the point of no return, have been my daggers. Each time I feel the pull-down, I grab a hold of them, changing them to “You can and will become who you are” as the sharp edges begin to bleed them into my soul. On this new playing field, I have stumbled and felt defeated in moments. I would stop to fulfill the pity party in my own mind. Still each morning I would rebegin.

I am finally seeing my world grow each day. New beginnings of many relationships, looking for my real purpose within it. New life goals of dreams from the past and what will be a future excitement full of making them all come true. New stepping stones in life. A career change which I am constantly striving to push myself past my comfort zone because this is the part of life I need. Finally, those words which inflamed the fire back in me has truly shown I am who I am.

 

RES

I Am The Fixer

Have you ever looked inside yourself to see what your true potential is regarding everyone else in your world? During the hardest times, I have tried to find myself. I wondered what is it that makes me tick. What is it I look for in others and why? I will admit, it has been a very traumatic experience due to wanting to feel that happiness which surrounds me at every point in time. So what is really the issue with me?

After a couple of bad relationships, adding a few new friendships, as well as talking to a few who knows me inside and out, I am a fixer. Yes, I finally admit it. I like to fix others. I like to show them the view from my eyes. Help them reach their full potential. Sadly, this had to lead me down roads with trenches so deep, I had slipped into them many times. When I reach up, I find no hand around. I had to decide if this is the world I want to be a part of.

Yes, it is. After a lot of reflecting on what happiness means and the value of real love, I want to see the joy in others where I have helped them overcome the obstacles they view as their ending marks. I want to fill my soul with the mindset of knowing I was a difference that helps them push forward with not a handout, but a hand up. A big piece of the puzzle many passes by every second of their life.

As I look back through my life, I can see I have always been a fixer in some way or form. I had always looked at it as weakness. I felt so miserable watching others find their joy and thinking what about me. When really, I was a big part of their light coming thru. I had seen the value where others only have seen the failures and disappointments. Chalking these people as lost causes. Using the judgment of their mistakes as a final call for a finished life. So not the truth.

You see, when I meet a broken soul, I look for the tiny glimmer of light and attach myself to that point in time. So many times our failures rule our lives and everyone will show you exactly what you are doing wrong, not many are willing to show you what you are worth and what you are doing right. Granted, some are beyond the point and love their despair and refuse to fix the issues, most are not. Those are the ones I seem to find a lot.

So even though I have my times of hurt and darkness, those mini lights are the very moments that bring me to the forefront of what my purpose is in this life. I am learning my happiness is found within myself and helping to fix others in ways no one else would, is the very seed of what real true love is supposed to be. It is being the one true person when the corner smacks them in your face. I am embracing my gifts and finding all the shining stars that have not yet faded.

 RES

Forever My Bestie

I find the word friend is used way too loosely in today’s society. As a woman who has a hard time making new friends due to such selfishness that surrounds me, I have come to realize I could have lost the one true friend I had known pretty much my whole life.

This amazing woman I met at the age of 10. In the neighborhood, there were 4 of us who were always together in some way or another even amongst moving to different cities. But when life happened it seemed as tho I walked away very quickly. Taking on my life and choosing to only view my world in front of me.

At the moment, I was not thinking of the different changes that I would endure. I never gave those memories a forefront in my mind. I have always kept in touch as to keep those who have known me my whole life in a very small loop. Until one day, my world collapsed.

Reaching out, of course, all 3 were very supportive and I reconnected in a way I should not have been surprised had occurred. All the old memories came rushing back and the laughter was still the same. Giving me a true understanding of what a friend really meant.

I do continue to communicate with these childhood friends even though we are states apart. But the one who has known all my ins and outs has stepped right back into the best friend world I had long forgotten. I had missed this for so long without even knowing this woman has always seen the real me.

Of course, I love each one of my close friends very much, but this one holds such a strong connection without judgment of any of my flaws. Each time we talk, whether months apart or just hours, it is a pick up right where we left off moment. As if we know exactly the words of advice we need to hear. From crying to laughing to serious thoughts of what to do and how to get there.

This very beautiful, exquisite woman has walked beside me for so long, I don’t have to say a word and she gets it. She allows me to make my pit stops and fall flat on my face all while holding my hand and encouraging me to get up, dust myself off and move on. She gives me the confidence to see myself in a view I only longed to block. She gives me the strength to stand up straight and fight for what I need in my life, not just the wants.

Her strengths have always been a vision I had always dreamed of because of how many times I had watched her crumble. Her ideas, although maybe hard for me to understand, have always helped me see the other side of my own views. Her life has always been a very strong hold for me to look upon and be very happy in a world that would utterly shatter another.

This is the friendship that had formed so many years ago, even though life happened, I still consider her the best friend I ever have had. I may hold value to those I call my friend but she will always be my go-to girl no matter what issues I am faced with. Even with each of having our own lives and our own circle of friends, I know she has, is and always will be my forever bestie.

 

(I love you always and forever Shell…. MLDY)

 

RES

 

 

 

Being A Lifeline

What is with all the hidden agendas going on in the world today? Is everyone so completely broken where the need to dump their issues onto another takes precedence over being true? I find the fakes outweigh the real nowadays and it is a bit scary and overwhelming. As a teenager, I realized the insincerity of others and chose to make my decisions wisely regarding friendships. As an adult, I am very thankful I did.

Meeting new people has never been an easy task for me and still stands true today. Now as a single woman in a world full of pain, it seems to have only grown worse. But one thing, I can see the mask in front of those who really need just one small ray of hope to help pull them out of their fears. Where most of the time, I would not entertain the thought of any more than just a respectful, nice to meet you and continue on my way.

Seems to me all those who really want to be genuine and happy have been treated like a second rate alien. This only brings the unpleasantness to the surface leaving the true values in the wind. I am learning to see the damage inside and maybe in some small act of kindness, I can help this broken shell find their real place in this world. Listening to the words not spoken between the actions that show great compassion.

I have heard a leopard never changes its spots. Where this may be a very justifiable and true statement, what if the spots were actually rays of sunlight clouded by many of life’s disappointments? I get it, there are so many who have the I am not wrong and will never change. But that leaves behind maybe the one who so long ago got lost and bitter yet looking for a way out.

These are the few I have come across. The ones with whom my heart has told me to stay focused, they have the real value. Maybe hidden and damaged but with the help of someone else can be restored to the pure joy they were always meant to share and truly be. Just the one who has been in the quicksand of their own lives and the rope has always been just a bit out of reach. Against my normal behavior and with my own personal damages, I am finding that rope could be their own saving grace.

So at the end of the day, when all I have done is put to rest. Even with a life of a circle so small a pinpoint doesn’t even fit into it when it comes to letting anyone in my realm, I am taking a few leaps of faith to help the tiny lights to learn they are still very much worth a lifetime of happiness. I know I can not save everyone and most don’t want to be. But to those who have somehow touched my heart, I want to be the lifeline they need with words to show them it will be worth it all but you have to let go of what was and become who you really are.

 

RES

 

Broken Souls

In the midst of a world full of evil and confusion, so many genuine souls get hurt and tormented. The brokenness of those who see nothing wrong with their own actions tends to pour into those who actually care. Which in turn destroys trust, self-esteem, loyalty, and value.

Broken souls fall into their darkness creating a web of lies that hold the truth from the light. Believing if they continue on the track of destruction, they will be able to tarnish the goodness of those they claim to love. Here’s the thing, broken souls do not even love themselves so how can they love anyone else.

Loving a broken soul is one of the most self-sacrificing, heartbreaking, bitter leading acts of love that only leads to confusion and pain. Seeing the light way down maybe a good sign to help them but only if they can grasp a hold of it and reach your hand to help guide them back to the real world.

Sadly, most times that hand gets sucked into the pits of despair and anguish. The cesspool of filth that binds the lies, pain, darkness will always hold them back until they can see their own value. No matter how hard the true one tries, the broken will only see their own hurt and pain. Their actions will show the pain on the outside.

Wanting to help the broken soul is normal but learning this person has to fix themselves is the hardest part. Guidance can only be given if the broken is willing to accept their own pain and fix it. Never give yourself full up for someone never willing to fix themselves. Your real love and value are within yourself. Happiness will only come from deep down. Protect it and the right one will truly show you.

 RES

 

Cracked Sand Does Not Confine Itself To A Lock

I have come to terms with my world as It surrounds me. Taking steps back to look over my mistakes and where I had lost my way. I needed to reach the person I had left in those moments and reconnect with that emotion. I seemed to have dealt with many negative emotions leaving one major one for last.

This one was different. Having suppressed the truth of what needed to be seen, I had locks protecting a part of me, I thought I could control… Well, that was until I had seen the real value behind the meaning of that lock.

Decades, I kept it dusted, polished and even talked to it here and there. Smiled and walked away. Until all the broken pieces fell between each link. The lock was only that, the walls were never built with stones. This was a major turn in my world as I had always dreamed of having.

Once I realized the true lights coming into play, I looked at myself for the value I am worth. Perfection will never be found but happiness can only grow when you own you. All of you. That began my purging moment. A moment of being set free.

A rebeginning in my world where my vision is in line with my joys and blessings in life. I get why we are given our choices and now I do understand why the trials and tribulations give us lessons or deepens our locks. Cracked sand does not confine itself to a lock.

RES